Tag: stoppornography

Romance and O.C.D. Part 5

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When I was in the 8th grade, I had a skating accident that resulted in a broken pelvis, a broken tailbone, and two broken lower vertebrae.

The unfortunate part, besides having 4 broken bones that is, is that only my broken pelvis and tailbone were initially addressed. It wasn’t until much later that I learned I had actually broken my lower back in the fall as well. So, here I am, a couple of decades later, still suffering with back issues because my initial treatment plan was not appropriate for the type of breaks that went undetected in the E.R..

The daunting task of providing healing advice to all those affected by pornography, must first start with a crucial acknowledgement. That is, the exposure to and effects of pornography are different for each of us, as discussed in my previous post here. Some have fresh wounds, some have unhealed older wounds, some have unaddressed scars that have left long-term effects, and some have re-occurring wounds that are deeply infected and need proper attention. Just as my improper initial treatment plan actually caused more damage to me in the long run, we too are at risk of insufficient healing if we don’t first assess the damage done from pornography.

In lieu of my last post, I want to offer a few practical pieces of advice and words of encouragement for each type of “wound”, if you will. I believe the “treatment plan” should look different, based on what type of damage is present.

Those Who Intentionally Seek Out Pornography
Your treatment plan starts by looking beyond the surface. Though it might be tempting to believe you can just quit this habit or addiction cold-turkey, I urge you to reconsider the long-term effects if not properly addressed. As my last post discussed, I believe that there are four main underlying reasons a person seeks out pornography:

1- Loneliness.
2- Lack of self-control, misplaced lustful desire.
3- Feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction from your partner.
4- A desire to learn about other types of experiences.

It is so important that you dig deep in your thought process, your emotions, and your core beliefs about others, yourself, and God (if you’re a believer). You must ask the tough questions like, “Why do I feel alone?”, “Why am I obsessed with this?”, “Is this truly healthy for me?”, “How will this affect my future marriage and relationships?”, “Why am I feeling so insecure or incapable?”. What I’ve learned, is that we often need help, whether professionally or communally, to understand these deeper parts of us mentally and emotionally. So, your treatment plan?

Confession. Seek out a counselor. Open up to someone of the same gender about your concerns and struggles. Bring your darkness to light and watch what happens!

Safe Guards. Chances are, you won’t have the strength initially to stop cold-turkey. There are great tools like Covenant Eyes and VidAngel, that can help keep you accountable.

Renew Your Mind. A wise man once suggested that the best, and possibly the only way, to renew our mind from darkness, is to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. He suggested, or more like guaranteed, if you take your mind captive, and re-direct your thoughts upon these things, you will not fall! (Philippians 4:8-9).

Those Who Are Involved in the Making of Pornography
Your treatment plan starts with re-valuing yourself. I have talked to several women who were intentionally, or unintentionally, a part of pornographic video/image making. Their reasons varied. I would imagine your reasons varies as well. Maybe you desperately need(ed) the income and don’t (didn’t) believe there’s any other way. Maybe you have (had) been misused by men/women your whole life, and this truly is (was) all you know. Maybe you have been (were) forced into this life by manipulation, abuse, or fear. Maybe you started out in the industry oblivious to the affects it would have on you emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. So, your treatment plan?

Consider the Impact. Our natural human tendency is to focus on the right here, right now. We make decisions based off of the immediate results. But in this case, I encourage you to consider what this life style will do to your overall health long-term. Not to mention the impact of future relationships, marriage, raising children with a healthy self-image and healthy image of intimacy/relationships. Have you stopped to truly consider how your conduct could be aiding in so much darkness like child sex trafficking, infidelity, STDs, AIDs, and so much more?

Consider Your Worth. My friend, has anyone told you that you were created on purpose, and for a purpose? The God I serve can use you in powerful ways to reach the hurting, and comfort the confused. Invite Him in. He won’t misuse you, abuse you, or devalue you. Surround yourself with people who love you for you, not your body or what you have to offer sexually. You…deserve…authentic love and relationship!

Consider Your Dreams. I would be surprised if your long-term dream is to retire in the porn industry, serving this darkness your whole life. What are your dreams? What imprint do you hope to leave on the world? Messages like, “Your worth depends on your sexual talent and ability”, or “You’re only enough if you can provide these things in bed”, etc? Tell me you believe in yourself and your ability more than to leave these messages imprinted on the generations after you? Consider another way! Consider another job, another relationship, another community, another perspective. Consider that your dreams are actually possible without this path.

Those Who Did Not Invite Pornography In
Your treatment plan starts by rebuilding trust. As I mentioned previously in my last post, I was exposed to pornography by accident, due to the cultural shift we experienced in my middle school years.  Images and videos would take over our screens without warning, spam email would come to our inbox with misleading titles, etc. And because of my O.C.D., the images and videos wreaked havoc in my ability to process relationships, intimacy, and especially thoughts about men. For the majority of my life, I have been driven by irrational and overwhelming fear, crippled with insecurity, distrust, and even disgust. All related to what I witnessed as a child. So, our treatment plan?

Get Help. Of course I encourage confiding in a trusted, healthy friend or family member about these lasting effects, but I can’t recommend a trusted professional counselor enough. In fact, I used my Employee Assistance Program through work, to locate a faith based counselor that specializes in this very thing!

Seek Healthy Environments. How do your friends view sex, intimacy, and marriage? Chances are, if you’re surrounded by other unhealthy relationships and viewpoints, your thought process will continue to leak toxic patterns. Seek out a healthy marriage, and ask for a mentorship or counsel. Pursue platonic friendships with whatever gender you are uncomfortable with and distrusting of. This will help you regain trust where trust has been shattered.

Stop Being the Victim. Are you in immediate danger? If so, then please get professional help! If not, then how long are you going to allow those images from the past to control, dictate, and abuse your thought process and relationships? Aren’t you exhausted from the daily battle, the daily fear, and the daily distrust? I know I am.

Find Peace. Ok, this is hard. REALLY HARD. But maybe, just maybe, you need to come to terms with being at peace as a celibate, single individual. Or maybe you need to face the fact that healthy intimacy, God approved intimacy, does in fact exist, and you need help to reach the point of accepting that type of relationship in your life. Whatever path you choose, you were designed to live in internal peace, despite external chaos.
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I want to link multiple resources for you all, that have tremendously helped me. I can only hope and pray that these resources will bring healing, awareness, clarity, and peace to your hurting heart and warped thought processes. You are not alone. You are capable of rewiring your thoughts, and transforming your behaviors.


RESOURCES
Get Out of Your Head
Covenant Eyes
VidAngel
Kevin Carson blog on intimacy, sexual desire, and marriage
Incredible series on unhealthy/healthy romance
Romans 12:2
Colossians 3:2
2 Corinthians 10:4
Galatians 5:13-18
Ephesians 1: 1-13

Romance and O.C.D. Part 2

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“If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it!”

How many of you have heard that saying from a parent or grandparent in your life time?

I for one heard this saying often while growing up, mostly because I have a natural tendency to want to fix things, even if they don’t need fixing. I believe this saying to be somewhat useful (though of course one could argue “well what if it can be improved?”).

I also find the opposite of the saying to be of value: “If it is broken, fix it!” Don’t just walk away from the broken, don’t ignore the broken, don’t feed into the broken. Fix it, if at all possible.

If you read my last post, Romance and O.C.D. Part 1, then you will know that I believe our culture completely “broke” our healthy, simple, innocent, and natural way of dating, marriage, and intimacy when it shoved accessible pornography in our faces. Did sexual addiction/porn addiction, rape, abortion, affairs, divorce, and sex trafficking exist before this cultural shift? Of course. But not at the devastatingly high rates as they do now.

I want to first acknowledge how this broken part of our culture has effected society as a whole, and then in my next blog post I want to specifically address how this cultural shift has negatively affected many of “us” with O.C.D. (no, I’m not the official O.C.D. spokesperson so I can’t speak for everyone). 

Desensitization

Have you ever looked at images of swim suites from the early 1800s? If not, you so should! You’ll get a pretty good kick out of them. Both men and women’s swim suits covered the entire body. Can you imagine how heavy those swim suites would be when wet! What fascinates me most though, is that really until the last 100-150 years, the societal expectation was that people would cover their bodies, respect each other’s physical privacy, and save intimacy for where it belongs: in the bedroom with the one you love. 

But now? Visit a public beach and you’ll find pre-teen girls walking around in thong bikinis, as well as young men walking around in tiny speedos, leaving almost nothing for the imagination. I know some may disagree with me on this, but I strongly believe this gradual change is a direct reflection of how our society has been impacted by accessible pornography. We stopped valuing the human body as a prize for the one we love, and became desensitized from the constant exposure of the human body. 

The expectation went from being modest, respectful, and private, to being fully accessible at all times to anyone, anywhere. 

False Expectations

And speaking of expectations, how can we deny the impact accessible porn has on the expectations within a relationship, and especially within marriage and intimacy. Men and women began expecting certain experiences, certain body types, and certain benefits based off of what they were seeing on paper or on a screen.  

Examples: The rise of breast and butt implants, botox, and plastic surgery over the last 50 years has directly increased as pornographic videos and images have become more accessible. Coincidence? I think not. Public stores that all can see, even innocent little children, switched from regular clothes on the displayed mannequins, to kinky lingerie and sex toys on display. Magazines in the check out line went from home decor and cooking tips, to sex tips in big, bold letters. Bridal and groom gifts went from house accessories, financial securities, and spiritual gifts, to sex toys and sex games guaranteed to “keep him/her interested”.  

These false expectations have set millions up for devastating blows to self esteem, disappointment, un-fulfillment, isolation, divorce, affairs, and more. All in efforts to achieve what was experienced from the image or video. Real life intimacy with a real person, gradually stopped competing with the instant, but short lived gratification of the fantasy world. 

Fantasy Verses Reality

And speaking of fantasy, which sounds more appealing? Being addicted to an image or video of a person who doesn’t know you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, and can’t provide any real life emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or physical support? Or being committed to a real life human that can show you compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, support, and true, unconditional love? Which sounds happier? A relationship entirely based on lust, or a relationship entirely founded upon true love?  

Our culture has been so desensitized by false expectations, that so many would rather isolate themselves to their fantasized addictions, than enjoy a real life, thriving, safe, and committed relationship with someone who deeply cares for them. How sad is that? So many men, and women, throw their real life relationships away in pursuit of these fantasized environments.

Commitment Phobia

And speaking of commitment, when did the following become the “norm”: to live in a fatherless or motherless home, to lose your virginity in middle school, to experience multiple heart breaking divorces, to “accept” that your partner is also sleeping with other people, to abort an unborn child simply so you can continue to have sex with your partner without the commitment of a child. 

The whole no commitment thing seems like a dream to so many. Yet so many in return suffer from a drastic increase in anxiety, depression, loneliness, STDs, substance abuse, and more. Still sound like a dream? What accessible porn has created, is a culture that wants instant gratification, with no strings attached, and complete numbness to the consequences of both pursuits. But what I hope our culture will wake up and realize, is that if we continue down the path of abandoning commitment, then we must be prepared to commit to the devastating heart ache and consequences that follow such a life style.

Which would you rather be committed to? 

So what now? As we begin to acknowledge the broken, and explore its devastating impact on our generation and culture, where do we even begin to pick up the pieces and fix the broken? I hope you’ll stay with me on this topic this month, so that we can find out together!