ocdawareness – Page 2 – Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

How To Be A Supportive Friend To Someone With O.C.D.

pigletPhoto by Elle Hughes on Pexels.com

Winnie the Pooh. Have you heard of this little guy and his little forest full of friends? Certainly so!

While raising my three brothers and I, my mother was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. How obsessed, you ask? My oldest brother was named Christopher, after Christopher Robin. In fact, the only reason his middle name is not Robin, is because my dad said that was too far! My mom has a thick, whimsical story book full of Winnie the Pooh stories by her bedside. And when I stay in New York each summer for work, she goes bananas when I Facetime her while standing next to the original Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals located at the New York public library.The woman is obsessed, I tell you!

And honestly, I can’t blame her. Not only are the characters so lovable and cute, but some of the wisest quotes on friendship have stemmed from this beloved little bear and his forest friends. In fact, I believe a few of these quotes go perfectly with our discussion this week: How to be a supportive friend to someone with O.C.D.. Fewer friendships are sweeter, or more loyal than the friendship between all of these little friends, (despite Pooh’s honey obsession, Piglet’s compulsive stutter, and Rabbit’s disordered self…see what I did there!).

So, if you’re the person who has grown to love someone with O.C.D., whether it be a child, a spouse, a family member, or a friend, take note! These next pieces of advice could just be the very things that grow you into the sweetest and most loyal friend. Not to mention, we tend to attract the type of friendships that we offer to others. So don’t worry, you’ll get a return on the investment!

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today”, said Pooh.
“There, there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do!”
Winnie the Pooh

Show Patience
One of the most challenging and heart breaking aspects of seeing someone we love struggle through O.C.D., is how detached they can become when in a mental/physical spiral. This detachment can manifest in many ways, such as a lack of interest in normal passions, an inability to engage during activities or conversations, or even the inability to cope through day to day routines. Take courage, and be patient! Your friend and loved one is in there somewhere, beneath the spiral of O.C.D., and the dark cloud of depression and/or anxiety stemming from the O.C.D.. There will be times and seasons when you have to be the Piglet of the friendship. This season might require providing extra reassurance to your loved one that A-You’re right there with them, B-They WILL climb back out of the spiral and return to their healthy self again, and C-That they DO have things in life they enjoy, and those things are worth working to regain.

“How do you spell love?” -Piglet.
“You don’t spell it, you feel it!” -Pooh.
Winnie the Pooh

Show Love
When your loved one is walking through the hard seasons of O.C.D., chances are, they are going to feel isolated, exhausted, and invisible. Dealing with intrusive, obsessive thoughts and fears, while trying to combat compulsions, is truly a marathon. Every day becomes a battle. Your loved one will most likely have feelings and thoughts centered around, “No one understands what I’m going through”, “I just don’t want to be a burden any more”, “I don’t think I can do this alone”, “No one truly sees my pain”, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else”. The challenge with these unhealthy perceptions, is that the individual may not ever speak up for themselves, or spell out their needs for you. But that’s just it, sometimes loving someone means seeing the needs they just aren’t capable of spelling out. This might look like A- “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while, I’m going to come sit with you this evening. I’m here to listen, or just be near you”, B-Ask them specific questions like, “What are you most anxious about or afraid of right now?”, “What is one thing that would help distract you, calm you, or re-channel this mental energy? I would like to do that thing with you/for you”, or C- Ask what they need, but also be very prepared for them to not know. Just like Piglet knew his friend Pooh loved tea, honey, and being near to him, use your intimate knowledge of your friends passions and just show up for them. Show you love them. Show you care. They just might feel that love more tangibly than hearing about it.

“You must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think. But the most important thing to remember is even if we are apart, I will always be with you”
Winnie the Pooh

Show Belief
Possibly the greatest fear rooted deep down in the heart and mind of someone who lives with O.C.D., is the fear of being rejected and abandoned because of the exhaustion of dealing with O.C.D.. And as their loved one, you’ll have the ability to see their potential, even when they can’t. You know what they’re capable of, the brilliance inside of them, the creativity that flows from them, the strength that bursts through their daily fight. Remind them of these things. Remind them that they are not O.C.D., they simply have O.C.D.. Remind them of their ability to take control of how O.C.D. affects them, and that they are capable of thriving. And most importantly, gently remind them that though you cannot be there for 100% of every struggle, every decision, every daily battle, you’re in their heart and they are in yours. Reassure them x1,000,000 that even when you’re apart, you believe in them, will check in on them, and are thinking about them. You’ll be tempted to continually want to “fix” them. But that just hurts the person in the long run. Your role in their life is not to fix their O.C.D.. No, my friend,you have been tasked with the crucial and sweet role of supporting them as they discover in themselves how to live a healthy and thriving life despite this mental disorder. You are not their crutch. But you can be a rock for them!

“We’ll be friends forever, won’t we Pooh?” asked Piglet.
“Even longer,” Pooh answered.
Winnie the Pooh

Show Loyalty
Fewer things reassure a racing mind, and uncertain heart, than hearing, “I know we are walking through a really tough season of your O.C.D.. But I love you in the easy seasons and even more in the harder seasons. I’m beside you for every season. I will sit by you, and believe in you during the dark seasons, and I will also cheer for you and celebrate you during the thriving seasons.” Let me be very clear: This..takes..commitment. Let me be even more clear: You..are only..one…person! They might need more than your friendship, and that’s ok to admit. Your friendship and love for them will do wonders. But please don’t lose your own sanity in the process of helping your loved one walk through an O.C.D. spiral. You need to find your own balance, your own peace, and your own anchor as you strive to support them in the hard seasons. Just the same, you must know when to guide them to other tools and resources like counseling, medication, building a bigger supportive community, etc. You may be their safety net, but you’re only one person. They will need an army of tools and resources as they learn to thrive despite this disorder. Approach this very gently and lovingly. Heck, hold their hand while you tell them these things! Work diligently to choose your choice of words carefully. Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry! I just can’t handle this!”, or “I’m just not what you need right now!”, or “I just wish you could be yourself!” These can be incredibly isolating and damaging to your loved one who is already struggling with the insecurities of being abandoned or too much of a burden. More appropriate ways to approach this, would be, “You have me. I’m here for you through thick in thin. And because I’m here for you for the long haul, I believe that there are more tools than just me out there to help you with this. I’m only one person, and I’m doing my best. But you deserve all of the tools and resources, even ones I can’t provide you with!”

Can you feel the difference in these approaches?

Now, before you walk away thinking, “Geeze, I never want to love someone with O.C.D., that sounds like a LOT of work!” I want you to consider one thing: Every single human being on this earth has, is currently, or will endure hardship of some form. Even you. These pieces of advice I just shared aren’t specifically and solely to use for those of us with O.C.D.. Spoiler alert! These tips are applicable to supporting anyone through hardship of any kind. Friendship takes work. Intimate and life long friendship takes even more work. But oh my, it is so worth it!

Being a Healthy Friend Despite O.C.D.

Have you ever seen the movie Pitch Perfect? One of my favorite scenes in the movie, is when Chloe starts to blame everything on her “nodes”. At one point she messes up a singing part, and as she attempts to explain why, Fat Amy interrupts and says, “We KNOW, we KNOW! It’s your nodes!”

Living with a clinical condition like O.C.D. can tempt a person to blame every mistake and unhealthy behavior on the clinical condition itself. But let me be clear, though we may not be able to control having a clinical condition, we do have control over how it manifests in us at times. We shouldn’t be the Chloe of a friendship, and blame poor effort on our condition. Our friends, family, and loved ones deserve better. They are not our punching bags left to take the hits of our obsessive, compulsive, and disordered behaviors.

I believe that putting the following steps into action within our relationships, will lead those of us with O.C.D. towards being healthier friends, family members, and loved ones for those who walk beside us in our struggles.

Seek Wise Counsel
I cannot recommend professional and/or sound counsel enough. Whether through a licensed counseling office, or a trusted mentor, having an unbiased outside party to share our O.C.D. struggles with, is crucial. These conversations allow us to not only communicate our struggles in detail, but also to receive advice, discipline, perspective, and understanding regarding our behaviors and concerns as they relate to O.C.D.. Counseling may or may not lead to further intervention like medication, or cognitive/behavioral therapy. These tools for me personally have made all the difference when it comes to what type of friend I am to others despite having O.C.D..

Communicate Clearly
One of the most effective steps I’ve taken in my own relationships, is that of communicating openly about my O.C.D. triggers, the effects they have on me, and when I am experiencing a spiral. This clear communication helps those I love not only understand what I’m going through internally or externally, but also provides better understanding to what I need in those moments. Healthy communication can literally be the difference between lashing out or treating our loved ones poorly because of what we are internalizing, and receiving loving support to help us make healthy choices and demonstrate healthy behaviors. This action has also, at times, allowed my friends or family members to call out my unhealthy behaviors like obsessive communication, neediness, etc, while going deeper and asking how I am doing with O.C.D.. Building a community who truly understands what you are enduring internally or externally, is the quickest way to promote healthy balance in relationships.

Set Boundaries
This is possibly the most difficult step. At least for me. I have a tendency to expend myself for others, even to the point of self destruction. But what I’ve learned, is that in doing that, I end up hurting others in the long run because of what I suffer through internally and how that manifests in my relationships over time. There are times in a friendship and relationship, that because of O.C.D., we must advocate for ourselves and set boundaries. Boundaries sound like this:

“Hey, I really want you to feel heard, and I will do my best to support you however I am able, but I cannot talk about this particular subject as it’s a trigger topic for my O.C.D..”
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but this movie is going to have major impacts on my O.C.D. later on, can we watch something else?”
“I think we should have this conversation in person, and really soon. I feel tempted to obsess over this until I feel it’s resolved, and I don’t think texting will show our true tone of voice or care for one another. I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. And I also will have trouble feeling at peace until this is resolved or talked about.”
“I wish I could stay up with y’all, but night time and a lack of sleep really effects my ability to manage my O.C.D., so I’m going to have to head to bed.”

It may feel awkward, excessive, and even a bit cold at times. But I promise you setting boundaries like these will make a world of difference in the type of friend you are able to be for others around you.

Own Up to Unhealthy Behaviors
Let’s face it. There will be times when O.C.D. gets the best of us. If you’re like me, living with O.C.D. is like running a mental and behavioral marathon every…single…day. And though I strive to be healthy, self controlled, and productive each day, there are days when I fail miserably. And just like any off days that we are all prone to having, there will be times when we need to own up to our poor decisions, words, and behaviors. This might look like,

“I want to apologize for how detached I was earlier. I was feeling ____ because of my O.C.D.. I should have communicated that and been more present in the moment, and I’m sorry. I just wasn’t processing my thoughts or fears well and I let it affect our time together.”
“You were so patient with me earlier when I was struggling to process what was happening. I know walking beside me is not always easy and I just wanted to acknowledge your effort.”
“I am sorry that I have been extra obsessive lately. I’m not sure if I’m just needing more reassurance than usual, or if I’m trying to process thoughts and fears. Either way, I will try to have better boundaries so I’m not exhaustive for you.”

It’s okay to have certain needs and expectations. BUT, we must learn to balance these to prevent unhealthy needy, obsessive, or controlling behaviors. We shouldn’t use our friends, family, or loved ones as an emotional dumping ground when we are struggling to have self control.

We might be clinically obsessive, compulsive, and disordered, but we can still have self control and accountability in our relationships.
-Me

It has taken me decades to understand these things in my own friendships and relationships. Heck, I’m still learning how to be a healthy friend, especially when it comes to living with O.C.D.! But I can tell you first hand, the effort pays off and the benefits of a healthy approach to relationship with others is so rewarding. Next week I will discuss practical ways to be a healthy and supportive friend to those of us who live with O.C.D..

If you find this information to be helpful, I hope you’ll follow this blog, as well as share it with others you feel would benefit as well. I believe that productive communication is key to fostering a better environment for mental health. It starts with me. It starts with you. Let’s change misconceptions together, one conversation at a time!

Friendship and O.C.D. Part 2

When I was in college I loved to attend the basketball games every week. It was pure entertainment! And I’m not even talking about the game!

Without fail, every home game a group of 3-4 older women (probably in their late 70s), would all sit together at the top of the bleachers. They would be fully decked out in college apparel supporting their home team, sometimes even matching. They would bring pom poms and signs and cheer in unison through out the game.

Those women were besties for the resties. If the story was right, they had been besties since college and tried to never miss a home game. I remember looking at them every time, and thinking, “Man, now THAT is friend goals!” I always wondered what stories they had, what trials their friendships had endured, and what victories they had celebrated for one another.

Life long friendship is one of the most fascinating relationships to me.

In a marriage, two people are bound for life by a spiritual covenant oath before God. Even when the marriage is hanging on by a thread, often one or both partners will return to their vows to renew their promises to each-other. They are sealed as one before God Himself.

In a biological parenting relationship, you are bound by life through DNA, even if physical presence does not exist. Through an adoptive relationship, a parent becomes bound to the child through a legal document.

But an intimate, life long friendship? These relationships are bound by pure choice. No DNA, no legal document, no divine covenant oath. Simply choice.

I believe each type of relationship we experience in this life comes with unique and divine blessings. One is not better than the other, nor is one worse than the other. All of these relationships are gifts.

But when it comes to discussing the challenges of friendship, it feels important to acknowledge that out of all the relationships we encounter here, long-term friendship is just about the only one that is held together purely by a choice.

What If They Don’t Choose Me?
When living with O.C.D., or any personal struggle for that matter, it’s tempting to assume that no one would willingly choose to form intimate community and friendship with someone like us. Right?

We get so in our heads analyzing ourselves through the other person’s eyes, before even given them an opportunity to choose friendship with us. We completely forget about the fact that they will most likely have their own struggles and burdens for us to help carry as well.

Quite frankly, there will be individuals in your life who are not fit to help carry your burdens. Know that as you pursue deep, and life-long friendship. Some individuals might be too toxic, tempting to pull you further away from mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Maybe YOU are too “toxic” for them with your specific set of struggles. Maybe they’ve had traumas or experiences in their life that will be triggered by your specific struggles. Or maybe, they’ll be so self centered that they won’t know how to truly support you through your valleys.

The truth is, we should not isolate ourselves from the beauty and blessing of life-long friendship simply because many will not be the right fit. Intimate community is not meant to be shared with our entire acquaintance/friend circle. We must trust, that the few souls who enter our inner circle of intimate life-long friendship, are the ones that have proven to be a healthy fit for us, and us for them.

What If They Do Choose Me?
It’s only natural to feel anxious about how a friend will respond to our vulnerable confessions, our deepest struggles, and our greatest needs. Sometimes the fear of someone choosing us as a friend can feel greater than the fear of being rejected by a friend.

What’s important to remember with this insecurity, is that no one wants a fake or superficial relationship within their small, intimate community circle. At least not long-term. The key is to find the balance between vulnerability and service. We must avoid being a “consumer” friend through our openness and needs. What I mean is, we can’t just choose one person who is willing to be our bestie for the restie, and dump all of our baggage onto them at once. That’s intense. And kind of unfair to that person. Sure they may stick around for the long haul, but are you being a healthy friend to them?

A true community will stick around. But even more than that, they will help you learn the balance of the sharing of each others burdens in a respectful, healthy, and feasible manner. Open up as you go, while also allowing them the opportunity to open up as well. Don’t make the focal point about you and your struggles during every hang out or every conversation. That’s exhausting.

Find a healthy pace of vulnerability and honesty, couple that with the ability to be there for their burdens as well, and you’ll be so thankful that they did choose you! Your fear of them sticking around will blossom into a thankfulness that you don’t have to live life without them anymore!

“Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy”
Proverbs 27:6

For the next couple of weeks, I want to look more specifically at the challenges that come with being a healthy, balanced friend while living with O.C.D., as well as how to be a healthy, balanced friend for someone who does live with O.C.D.. As the scripture above implies, true sincere friendship, at times, will involve hard conversations that require commitment and adjustment. But that type of long-term community is far sweeter and more beneficial than a hundred superficial, fake friendships that don’t have your overall interest at heart.

Friendship and O.C.D. Part 1

In the 1992 Olympic 400m race, Olympic runner Derek Redmond experienced a major injury right in the middle of his race. With a snapped hamstring, and no hope of winning 1st place, or even placing for that matter, his main determination became to at least finish the race.

As you watch the video of him hobbling towards the finish line, so far behind everyone who had already finished the race, you can see the pain on his face. But just when he thought he had to endure the painful finish alone, his dad burst onto the track-breaking all the rules-to help carry his son the remainder of the way.

There are three things that strike me in this video.

The first? How Derek tries with all his might to stay strong, as he limps in pain toward the finish line, yet the moment he turns to see his father wrapping around him, he breaks down and begins sobbing. It wasn’t until he felt that support from someone he knew truly loved him, that he felt comfortable enough to release all the emotional and physical pain that he was trying so hard to push through alone.

The second? How Derek’s father broke every rule in order to reach his son. The Olympic security tried to get him off the track, but he was relentless. He knew his son would reach the finish line one way or the other. But he refused to watch his son suffer alone, even if it meant breaking the rules to walk alongside of Derek and carry some of the burden for him.

The third? How not one single runner seemed to care about his injury. I mean, I guess I get it. They trained for four years for that one moment. Stopping to help Derek would be a huge inconvenience, possibly detour them if not derail them from their mission, as well as put their wants completely to the side.

I can’t help but relate each of these to the process of finding true, intimate community while living with a disorder like O.C.D.. For so many years, decades actually, I tried with all of my own strength to run through the pain. I watched as so many people who I thought were running beside me, continued on their way, seemingly clueless of the pain I was in. But then, true community began to surround me. And the moment I felt their presence, I released the weight that for so long I suffered through alone.

The truth is, we were not created to walk through life, especially through hardship, alone. God Himself has intimate community with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. How much more so do we, people of the flesh, need community to thrive?

“Woe to him who is alone when he falls”
Ecclesiastes 4:10

Though it is tough to admit, there have been points in my life when I experienced such intense depression and anxiety because of my O.C.D., that taking my own life did become a temptation. Especially when placed on medication that ended up harming my mental state even further.

Through that experience, I am blown away and heart broken at how easily we can convince ourselves that we truly are alone in times of distress. “No one will understand.” “No one has time for me.” “No one cares enough about me.” “I couldn’t possibly trust anyone with this.” “No one can help me.” We feed ourselves with these lies, convincing ourselves that there is no safe place for us to turn…that we must endure alone.

But what fascinates me, is that the one thing we try to avoid most, is the very tool God provides for us to get unstuck from that mental spiral. That one thing?

Healthy Community.

When true community entered my life, willing to break all the rules in order to wrap around me, I knew that I was going to finish the race I started. In my experience, the difference between a solid, healthy community and a life of isolated loneliness, can literally be a matter of life or death. Which is why I am so passionate about discussing this topic of friendship, especially in regards to living with a mental disorder like O.C.D..

For the next several weeks, I want to dive deep into community. Why do we tend to run from it? What does it take to be a healthy friend to others, especially while living with a disorder like O.C.D..? How can we become healthy friends to those who are in seasons of mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual distress?

I look forward to these discussions with you, as friendship and community truly are passion topics of mine. And soon, I hope they will be for you too!

Romance and O.C.D. Part 5

When I was in the 8^th grade, I had a skating accident that resulted in a broken pelvis, a broken tailbone, and two broken lower vertebrae.

The unfortunate part, besides having 4 broken bones that is, is that only my broken pelvis and tailbone were initially addressed. It wasn’t until much later that I learned I had actually broken my lower back in the fall as well. So, here I am, a couple of decades later, still suffering with back issues because my initial treatment plan was not appropriate for the type of breaks that went undetected in the E.R..

The daunting task of providing healing advice to all those affected by pornography, must first start with a crucial acknowledgement. That is, the exposure to and effects of pornography are different for each of us, as discussed in my previous post here. Some have fresh wounds, some have unhealed older wounds, some have unaddressed scars that have left long-term effects, and some have re-occurring wounds that are deeply infected and need proper attention. Just as my improper initial treatment plan actually caused more damage to me in the long run, we too are at risk of insufficient healing if we don’t first assess the damage done from pornography.

In lieu of my last post, I want to offer a few practical pieces of advice and words of encouragement for each type of “wound”, if you will. I believe the “treatment plan” should look different, based on what type of damage is present.

Those Who Intentionally Seek Out Pornography
Your treatment plan starts by looking beyond the surface. Though it might be tempting to believe you can just quit this habit or addiction cold-turkey, I urge you to reconsider the long-term effects if not properly addressed. As my last post discussed, I believe that there are four main underlying reasons a person seeks out pornography:

1- Loneliness.
2- Lack of self-control, misplaced lustful desire.
3- Feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction from your partner.
4- A desire to learn about other types of experiences.

It is so important that you dig deep in your thought process, your emotions, and your core beliefs about others, yourself, and God (if you’re a believer). You must ask the tough questions like, “Why do I feel alone?”, “Why am I obsessed with this?”, “Is this truly healthy for me?”, “How will this affect my future marriage and relationships?”, “Why am I feeling so insecure or incapable?”. What I’ve learned, is that we often need help, whether professionally or communally, to understand these deeper parts of us mentally and emotionally. So, your treatment plan?

Confession. Seek out a counselor. Open up to someone of the same gender about your concerns and struggles. Bring your darkness to light and watch what happens!

Safe Guards. Chances are, you won’t have the strength initially to stop cold-turkey. There are great tools like Covenant Eyes and VidAngel, that can help keep you accountable.

Renew Your Mind. A wise man once suggested that the best, and possibly the only way, to renew our mind from darkness, is to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. He suggested, or more like guaranteed, if you take your mind captive, and re-direct your thoughts upon these things, you will not fall! (Philippians 4:8-9).

Those Who Are Involved in the Making of Pornography
Your treatment plan starts with re-valuing yourself. I have talked to several women who were intentionally, or unintentionally, a part of pornographic video/image making. Their reasons varied. I would imagine your reasons varies as well. Maybe you desperately need(ed) the income and don’t (didn’t) believe there’s any other way. Maybe you have (had) been misused by men/women your whole life, and this truly is (was) all you know. Maybe you have been (were) forced into this life by manipulation, abuse, or fear. Maybe you started out in the industry oblivious to the affects it would have on you emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. So, your treatment plan?

Consider the Impact. Our natural human tendency is to focus on the right here, right now. We make decisions based off of the immediate results. But in this case, I encourage you to consider what this life style will do to your overall health long-term. Not to mention the impact of future relationships, marriage, raising children with a healthy self-image and healthy image of intimacy/relationships. Have you stopped to truly consider how your conduct could be aiding in so much darkness like child sex trafficking, infidelity, STDs, AIDs, and so much more?

Consider Your Worth. My friend, has anyone told you that you were created on purpose, and for a purpose? The God I serve can use you in powerful ways to reach the hurting, and comfort the confused. Invite Him in. He won’t misuse you, abuse you, or devalue you. Surround yourself with people who love you for you, not your body or what you have to offer sexually. You…deserve…authentic love and relationship!

Consider Your Dreams. I would be surprised if your long-term dream is to retire in the porn industry, serving this darkness your whole life. What are your dreams? What imprint do you hope to leave on the world? Messages like, “Your worth depends on your sexual talent and ability”, or “You’re only enough if you can provide these things in bed”, etc? Tell me you believe in yourself and your ability more than to leave these messages imprinted on the generations after you? Consider another way! Consider another job, another relationship, another community, another perspective. Consider that your dreams are actually possible without this path.

Those Who Did Not Invite Pornography In
Your treatment plan starts by rebuilding trust. As I mentioned previously in my last post, I was exposed to pornography by accident, due to the cultural shift we experienced in my middle school years. Images and videos would take over our screens without warning, spam email would come to our inbox with misleading titles, etc. And because of my O.C.D., the images and videos wreaked havoc in my ability to process relationships, intimacy, and especially thoughts about men. For the majority of my life, I have been driven by irrational and overwhelming fear, crippled with insecurity, distrust, and even disgust. All related to what I witnessed as a child. So, our treatment plan?

Get Help. Of course I encourage confiding in a trusted, healthy friend or family member about these lasting effects, but I can’t recommend a trusted professional counselor enough. In fact, I used my Employee Assistance Program through work, to locate a faith based counselor that specializes in this very thing!

Seek Healthy Environments. How do your friends view sex, intimacy, and marriage? Chances are, if you’re surrounded by other unhealthy relationships and viewpoints, your thought process will continue to leak toxic patterns. Seek out a healthy marriage, and ask for a mentorship or counsel. Pursue platonic friendships with whatever gender you are uncomfortable with and distrusting of. This will help you regain trust where trust has been shattered.

Stop Being the Victim. Are you in immediate danger? If so, then please get professional help! If not, then how long are you going to allow those images from the past to control, dictate, and abuse your thought process and relationships? Aren’t you exhausted from the daily battle, the daily fear, and the daily distrust? I know I am.

Find Peace. Ok, this is hard. REALLY HARD. But maybe, just maybe, you need to come to terms with being at peace as a celibate, single individual. Or maybe you need to face the fact that healthy intimacy, God approved intimacy, does in fact exist, and you need help to reach the point of accepting that type of relationship in your life. Whatever path you choose, you were designed to live in internal peace, despite external chaos.
___________________________________________________
I want to link multiple resources for you all, that have tremendously helped me. I can only hope and pray that these resources will bring healing, awareness, clarity, and peace to your hurting heart and warped thought processes. You are not alone. You are capable of rewiring your thoughts, and transforming your behaviors.

RESOURCES
Get Out of Your Head
Covenant Eyes
VidAngel
Kevin Carson blog on intimacy, sexual desire, and marriage
Incredible series on unhealthy/healthy romance
Romans 12:2
Colossians 3:2
2 Corinthians 10:4
Galatians 5:13-18
Ephesians 1: 1-13

Romance and O.C.D. Part 4

Photo by Maksim Goncharenok on Pexels.com

Through talking with others, I’ve learned that there are a few different types of experiences when it comes to pornography: Those who actively and intentionally sought out pornography out of curiosity or lustful desire. Those who hesitantly followed the peer pressure and joined in while their friends looked at pornography. Those who were apart of making pornographic videos or images. Those who (like me) witnessed pornography by accident.

I believe the “solution” to the damage done to our culture, depends on how a person was exposed to pornography. I want to first digest each possible scenario of exposure, before my final post on this topic, which will discuss the process and path towards healing.

Experience 1: Intentionally Sought Out

I believe that a person who intentionally seeks out pornographic images or videos with intentions to lust, find sexual satisfaction, or due to addictive behaviors, has one or more of the following flawed thoughts:

1- I am lonely. I need to feel connected.
The flaw? Isolating from real people and turning to strangers on a page or screen cannot realistically satisfy true loneliness, especially in the long run.
The risk? Decreased desire for real, in person intimacy. False sense of security. Difficulty navigating in person, real life relationships in a healthy way.

2- I can’t control this urge. I need to see more.
The flaw? Failing to acknowledge that we do actually have control
over our actions, and can in fact redirect our desires and
thoughts into a healthy outlet. Misunderstanding the deeper
need for spiritual intimacy and fulfillment over the flesh.
The risk? Reckless and impulsive addiction that leads to the need of
more—whether more experiences or more intensity.

3- I am not being satisfied by my partner. I need a release.
The flaw? Assuming your partner would not understand, or is
incapable of growing to learn about your hopes for intimacy.
The risk? Long-term damage to your real life relationship, because of
your perceived relationship with the pornographic image or
video. Bitterness towards your real life partner.

4- I don’t know what I’m doing. I need to watch and learn.
The flaw? Placing too much pressure to be perfect on an area of life
that is intended to be a lifelong exploration with the one you
love.
The risk? Neglecting your partner’s desire or ability to learn with you
together. False expectations, leading to decreased
satisfaction in real life experiences.

Experience 2: Caved to Peer Pressure

This experience is a bit tricky. In this case, a person, usually an adolescent, doesn’t fully understand what their peers are participating in, nor do they fully grasp the potential consequences following the experience. They may blindly agree to look at or watch simply out of fear of how others will think about them if they refuse, or maybe even out of innocent curiosity. More times than not, this is how someone begins their path towards destructive addition, or continued curious exploration that damages the mind.

Experience 3: Involved in the Making of Pornography

Whether by choice, or unknowingly, some individuals were a part of a pornographic taping or photograph. The results? Distrust in the opposite or same gender, guilt and shame, false expectations of what true love and healthy intimacy looks like, deeply rooted insecurities, patterns of abuse, and so much more. The repercussions of this experience affect a person’s mental, emotional, spiritual, social, and at times, physical stability and health.

Experience 4: Accidental Exposure

Man does this experience hit home, as this was my personal experience with pornography. Before I even knew what sex was, or the difference between gender anatomy, I experienced pornographic images and videos that would pop up on the computer, or accidentally click links not realizing what the title meant. Then, BAM! Seared into my brain, were images and videos of very crude, at times aggressive, intense, and disturbing displays of sexual activities. No time to shield the eyes, no way to erase from the memory, and no clue how to move forward without long-term damage.

The heart breaking result from this experience, is that when a child is first exposed to the world of sex in such aggressive, explicit ways, and corrupt ways, it can feel near impossible to replace these disturbing, disgusted, and fearful expectations/feelings/thoughts with healthy, innocent, safe, pure, and God intended ones. The joy, pleasure, and excitement of dating, romance, marriage, and intimacy becomes a far fetched idea because of the images that feel like reality. Not to mention any negative experience or conversation in real life towards the subject of intimacy, only makes what was initially experienced feel more like reality.

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How can a young person keep their way pure?
By guarding their way according to God’s word.
Psalm 119:9
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This verse is so true. Guarding ourselves is the main solution to keeping our minds, our hearts, and our perspectives healthy. And while so many of us can help protect our younger generations by implementing this verse, so many of us didn’t even have the opportunity or awareness to guard ourselves from what our culture and world threw at us when we were children. Which is why I believe we desperately need an open and honest discussion on what healing looks like moving forward. I hope you’ll check out my next blog, the final part to Romance and O.C.D.., a look into the path towards healing.

Romance and O.C.D. Part 3

Naturally I have inherited quite a few traits from my mother.

We both love crafting. We both are perfectionists who love to clean. We both explosively sneeze. We both have tiny noses that barely keep our sunglasses on our faces. And we both have a gap in our top front teeth. But there is one trait of my mother’s that I most definitely did NOT inherit—the fearless love of riding huge roller coasters.

I’ll never forget when the Titan opened at Six Flags over Texas in 2001 while I was in middle school. There was so much hype and publicity about this roller coaster, with its 255 foot drop that would send you plummeting down at 85 miles per hour.

I decided to take one of my best friends with our family to check out this beast. Up to that point, I had only heard stories and facts about this new coaster. And I was so ready for it! The whole ride to the amusement park I spoke boldness and excitement about conquering this feat! Of course I felt a few nerves, but mostly just excitement.

Until we pulled in the parking lot next to the new ride, that is. As we stepped out of the car and looked up at the towering hill, and the steep plummeting drop, I begin trembling in fear. All of a sudden, every ounce of excitement and confidence in me was replaced with terror and a desire to run away. As we got closer and closer to the front of the line, the “clink, clink, clink” sound of the roller coaster climbing the massive and steep hill, followed by screaming victims, became too much for me! It felt like a horror movie! And I just couldn’t take the overwhelming fear.

So what did I do? I chickened out and peaced out, leaving my friend solo! And guess who stepped in to save the day? My mom! Not only did she get on that ride with my friend, but also road first cart, hands in the air, and conquered that beast like it was nothing! Hearing their excitement as they returned from the ride did not seem fair! How were they not paralyzed in fear like I was? I mean they saw the same site, they heard the same sounds, yet they went for it! It just did not seem fair.

Oh how this experience perfectly relates to approaching the topic of sex while living with O.C.D.. As mentioned in my two previous posts, the effects of accessible porn that were blasted at my generation as children have had major negative impacts on us in different ways. But for someone like me, who lives with a mental disorder that traps images on repeat in the mind, creates irrational and obsessive fears/thoughts? Well, it’s much like the experience of the roller coaster. Let me break down the process to help those who do not have O.C.D. understand the impact this has had.

Phase 1: The Blissful Excitement of the Unknown
Remember how excited, courageous, and confident I was to ride the new roller coaster, after hearing about how adventurous and fun it was? Well, when I first heard about dating, kissing, marriage, and intimacy, I was pretty excited and curious. In my innocence of the unknown, I was blissfully willing to approach this area of life. And I was boy, CRAZY! I loved having “boyfriends”. I loved kissing those cute faces (sorry mom!). And I loved holding hands during the couples skating songs at the skating rink.

Phase 2: The Shock Factor
The moment I stood at the bottom of the Titan in person, seeing it’s intimidating appearance towering over me, was equivalent to the moment that intense pornographic videos popped up on my screen as a child. All of that excitement, confidence, and adventurous spirit I had towards boys, dating, and one day marriage/intimacy, was replaced and gripped with overwhelming fear and refusal to participate. Images of such corrupt videos (if I knew I didn’t have young readers, I would explain), and disturbing images seared in my mind. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I became so overtaken by fear.

Phase 3: Getting Out of the Line
The older I got, and the closer I became to the age of marriage and idea of intimacy, the more overwhelmed I became. Further destructive experiences entered my life: Boys trying to take advantage of me, or flat out dumping me harshly when I would strive to remain pure, seeing men of faith get sucked into the trap and ruin their marriages with porn addictions and affairs, hearing stories of my friends being raped or mishandled, hearing Godly married friends discuss their struggling sex life and frustrations with their husbands/wives, etc. All of it was like the horrific sound of the “clink, clink, clink” of the roller coaster climbing the hill. So what did I do? I bailed. I got out of line. I decided in my heart that marriage and intimacy just weren’t for me.

Phase 4: Stuck in Isolation
despite the fact that so many in my generation were also impacted by pornography and negative sexual experiences, they continued in the line towards marriage and intimacy. There I was, left behind, unwilling to participate in it all, watching them conquer the challenges while running to me after in pure excitement and joy. How? They saw the same disturbing images and videos as me! They went through far more negative experiences personally, than I’d ever been through. Yet they were able to move forward and find the enjoyment in the intended experience of dating, marriage, and intimacy despite the challenges.

But not me. I remained stuck out of the line, looking on from a distance in loneliness, confusion, fear, and frustration. Were they not nervous? Were they not scarred? Were they not afraid? Were they not fed up and overwhelmed? And if so, how could they possibly move forward? So I just kept quiet, alone, and afraid. With so many images trapped on repeat, stories replaying in my head, and obsessive, irrational fear controlling all parts of me.

I don’t know about you, but I do not want the journey to end with any of us stuck in Phase 4. No one deserves to be trapped in misery, loneliness, or a mind overtaken by fear and irrational/toxic thinking. I hope you’ll join me next week as I discuss what healing looks like for those of us who have found ourselves deeply affected by the shift we have experienced in our culture.
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“Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
Romans 12:2
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Romance and O.C.D. Part 2

“If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it!”

How many of you have heard that saying from a parent or grandparent in your life time?

I for one heard this saying often while growing up, mostly because I have a natural tendency to want to fix things, even if they don’t need fixing. I believe this saying to be somewhat useful (though of course one could argue “well what if it can be improved?”).

I also find the opposite of the saying to be of value: “If it is broken, fix it!” Don’t just walk away from the broken, don’t ignore the broken, don’t feed into the broken. Fix it, if at all possible.

If you read my last post, Romance and O.C.D. Part 1, then you will know that I believe our culture completely “broke” our healthy, simple, innocent, and natural way of dating, marriage, and intimacy when it shoved accessible pornography in our faces. Did sexual addiction/porn addiction, rape, abortion, affairs, divorce, and sex trafficking exist before this cultural shift? Of course. But not at the devastatingly high rates as they do now.

I want to first acknowledge how this broken part of our culture has effected society as a whole, and then in my next blog post I want to specifically address how this cultural shift has negatively affected many of “us” with O.C.D. (no, I’m not the official O.C.D. spokesperson so I can’t speak for everyone).

Desensitization

Have you ever looked at images of swim suites from the early 1800s? If not, you so should! You’ll get a pretty good kick out of them. Both men and women’s swim suits covered the entire body. Can you imagine how heavy those swim suites would be when wet! What fascinates me most though, is that really until the last 100-150 years, the societal expectation was that people would cover their bodies, respect each other’s physical privacy, and save intimacy for where it belongs: in the bedroom with the one you love.

But now? Visit a public beach and you’ll find pre-teen girls walking around in thong bikinis, as well as young men walking around in tiny speedos, leaving almost nothing for the imagination. I know some may disagree with me on this, but I strongly believe this gradual change is a direct reflection of how our society has been impacted by accessible pornography. We stopped valuing the human body as a prize for the one we love, and became desensitized from the constant exposure of the human body.

The expectation went from being modest, respectful, and private, to being fully accessible at all times to anyone, anywhere.

False Expectations

And speaking of expectations, how can we deny the impact accessible porn has on the expectations within a relationship, and especially within marriage and intimacy. Men and women began expecting certain experiences, certain body types, and certain benefits based off of what they were seeing on paper or on a screen.

Examples: The rise of breast and butt implants, botox, and plastic surgery over the last 50 years has directly increased as pornographic videos and images have become more accessible. Coincidence? I think not. Public stores that all can see, even innocent little children, switched from regular clothes on the displayed mannequins, to kinky lingerie and sex toys on display. Magazines in the check out line went from home decor and cooking tips, to sex tips in big, bold letters. Bridal and groom gifts went from house accessories, financial securities, and spiritual gifts, to sex toys and sex games guaranteed to “keep him/her interested”.

These false expectations have set millions up for devastating blows to self esteem, disappointment, un-fulfillment, isolation, divorce, affairs, and more. All in efforts to achieve what was experienced from the image or video. Real life intimacy with a real person, gradually stopped competing with the instant, but short lived gratification of the fantasy world.

Fantasy Verses Reality

And speaking of fantasy, which sounds more appealing? Being addicted to an image or video of a person who doesn’t know you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, and can’t provide any real life emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or physical support? Or being committed to a real life human that can show you compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, support, and true, unconditional love? Which sounds happier? A relationship entirely based on lust, or a relationship entirely founded upon true love?

Our culture has been so desensitized by false expectations, that so many would rather isolate themselves to their fantasized addictions, than enjoy a real life, thriving, safe, and committed relationship with someone who deeply cares for them. How sad is that? So many men, and women, throw their real life relationships away in pursuit of these fantasized environments.

Commitment Phobia

And speaking of commitment, when did the following become the “norm”: to live in a fatherless or motherless home, to lose your virginity in middle school, to experience multiple heart breaking divorces, to “accept” that your partner is also sleeping with other people, to abort an unborn child simply so you can continue to have sex with your partner without the commitment of a child.

The whole no commitment thing seems like a dream to so many. Yet so many in return suffer from a drastic increase in anxiety, depression, loneliness, STDs, substance abuse, and more. Still sound like a dream? What accessible porn has created, is a culture that wants instant gratification, with no strings attached, and complete numbness to the consequences of both pursuits. But what I hope our culture will wake up and realize, is that if we continue down the path of abandoning commitment, then we must be prepared to commit to the devastating heart ache and consequences that follow such a life style.

Which would you rather be committed to?

So what now? As we begin to acknowledge the broken, and explore its devastating impact on our generation and culture, where do we even begin to pick up the pieces and fix the broken? I hope you’ll stay with me on this topic this month, so that we can find out together!

Romance and O.C.D. Part 1

Dating with O.C.D. — Photo by picjumbo.com on Pexels.com

If I asked you who your first major crush was, would you be able to describe him or her?

My first crush was “the new kid on the block”. He was a new transfer student to our town in middle school. And, given that we were in a tiny town, with a tiny pool of options, all the girls went crazy for him! He spiked his hair perfectly every day, had a natural tan, occasionally wore Hawaiian shirts, wrote the cutest home room notes, and always had on a white pukka shell necklace. Hubba, hubba!! Or at least my middle school self thought so!

I get tickled when I remember “dating” back then. It consisted of possibly speaking to each other while at school in the hallways, writing notes during home room, and making occasional calls on our land line phones during the week. And if we were really lucky, maybe, just maybe, our parents would drive us somewhere for a “date”, (where they were most likely near by watching us closely).

Ahhh, the good ol’ days! Simple. Innocent. Uncomplicated. Safe. That’s how dating felt for me.

But then things begin to happen in our culture. And what felt innocent, simple, uncomplicated, and safe…began to feel scary, confusing, and complicated. What felt fun and natural, suddenly felt like a threat. In the time between early middle school and my late 20s, my O.C.D. was so deeply affected by these changes, that dating, marriage, and intimacy no longer felt like an option for me. They became off the table, unbearable to even think about.

So what changed? How does a person, or a culture for that matter, go from one extreme to the other?

Two words: Accessible Pornography.

I understand that pornography existed long before I was in middle school. But during my middle school years, our society began to bombard us children with graphic, vulgar, explicit, aggressive, and even violent images and videos of sex at the touch of the finger through the internet, social media, and cell phones, like never before. Images and videos would pop up before we even knew what we were seeing.

And with that change, I began to notice a shift at school through out that period as well. Suddenly guys were huddled in the corner of a classroom looking up porn on the internet, and planning how to accomplish such “goals” with their girl friend. Girls began dressing so differently, and flirting in ways that weren’t familiar. Shopping with the girls became all about finding the sexiest underwear. I began to sense a new wave of expectations surrounding conversations, hang outs, dates, and the exchange of numbers.

The safe felt scary. The innocent felt tainted. The natural felt uncomfortable.

Honestly, looking back, it feels like the culture at that time ripped our safety net right out from under us as children, exposing us to things we didn’t even fully understand. The result in our culture, in my generation? A sky rocket in sexual addictions, pornographic addiction, sexual abuse, sex trafficking, abortions, STDs, rapes, divorce, affairs, and so much more. Not to mention generations of relational, sexual, and marital devastation. And that’s just for the common man and woman produced from that cultural shift.

Now add in a mental disorder, like O.C.D., that traps images and experiences in the mind, replaying them over and over like a graphic horror movie… The result? Utter devastation—a mind so warped by intrusive images, irrational fears, and overwhelming feelings, that true healing seems impossible.

So how do we heal? How do we even begin the process of recovery when the new “norm” seems to be living with deeply rooted scars, fears, insecurities, addictions, heavy baggage, abuse, past traumas, and unrealistic expectations when entering a relationship?

I hope you’ll follow along in this very open, very vulnerable, but very needed conversation. Why? Because I don’t know many individuals from my generation, and the generations right around my age group, that haven’t been negatively affected by this in some way or another. This conversation is not meant to shame, to guilt, to put down, or to criticize anyone. Quite the opposite! This conversation is meant to enlighten, renew, re-claim, and refocus a pretty broken culture.

Finances and O.C.D. (Part 2)

There are two types of people when it comes to approaching a goal or task.

Type A-The planner. This individual spends intentional time in thought and consideration before trying to tackle a task or achieve a goal. This person might make a list, do research, write out multiple plans, and call up friends for advice. Chances are, this individual will take a while before making a decision, or moving forward with the plan. This person might take a while to make a final decision, but once the decision is made or the plan carried out, it is seen through to the end with confidence.

Type B-The “just wing it” person.This individual might spend little to no time in preparation before jumping all in to a challenge, goal, or task. They tend to do first, learn during, and correct as they go. And unlike the first type of individual described above, a common theme in this person’s approach is that they often times start out on a task or goal with confidence, but then burn out, change their mind/plans frequently, or even quit before finishing.

What if we applied these two approaches to some real life situations? For example, which type of person would you prefer when building your dream home? Type A or B? Which type of person would you want teaching your child at school? Which person would you most trust with treating you medically?

Which type of person would you rather place in charge over your finances?

The hard truth is, many of us with O.C.D. fall into the second description, not necessarily by choice, but by default due to our mental disorder that leads us to have uninvited obsessions and compulsions. If you haven’t yet checked out my first post regarding the danger of when O.C.D. collides with financial decisions, check it out here. For this post, I want to offer a few practical tools that can help us “Type B” individuals, graduate to “Type A” with a little practice, persistence, and patience (and prayer if you’re a believer!).

Helpful Tools:

Consider Godly Instruction

If you aren’t a follower of Jesus, feel free to skip down to the next tool. Although, what I’m about to share can be helpful to anyone if applied, whether Christian or not! The bible has much to say when it comes to managing our finances such as avoiding debt, not obsessing over accumulation of money or things, and even how to properly give to others with what we’ve been blessed what. But something that more specifically applies to our topic in this post, is found in 2 Corinthians 9:6-8.

Here the writer Paul specifically instructs us not to dish out money “under compulsion”, but after planning in our hearts ahead of time. He goes on to say that God will make all “grace abound” in such individuals, so that they will learn to be content “in all things at all times”. I don’t know about you, but this sounds like he just described our “Type A” person mentioned at the beginning of this post. I would challenge any of my O.C.D. community, or even those who have a tendency of spending under compulsion, to consider forming a plan before you touch that money, that card, or that online store. Don’t go in blind, go in prepared in your heart!

Dave Ramsey

I have always said that I would never take health advice from someone who lives an unhealthy life. Well, I believe this can also be applied to finances. Why would I consider taking financial advice from someone who practices unwise financial habits?

There are many individuals who were never properly taught about being a good steward of money. There are also many individuals who know they have unhealthy habits, especially if living with the effects of O.C.D., but don’t really know where to turn for wise advice and counsel. I would like to suggest Dave Ramsey. Dave is someone who climbed out of debt himself, consistently made wise decisions, (or at least learned from the unwise decisions), and now lives a very comfortable life—a very wealthy life to be exact. He is paying it forward, so to speak, by sharing some of his best pieces of financial advice.

His financial program won’t guarantee you wealth like he has acquired. BUT, if you truly put into practice his concepts and advice, you will find yourself out of debt, living in financial freedom, and being a consistently good steward of your finances.

Two great resources he provides through his course include the Every Dollar App, and the Baby Steps.

The Every Dollar App can be downloaded for free to your computer, iphone, or android device. This budgeting tool will help you tackle your debt, accumulate smart savings, and start living more wisely with your financial decisions.

The Baby Steps are, well, just as they sound: 7 simple baby steps that can help walk you towards financial freedom.

The Envelope System

Which do you think would feel more noticeable: someone stealing money directly from your bank account, or someone stealing cash right out of your hand? When it comes to O.C.D. related financial disasters, it is so crucial that money remains tangible, and that spending money becomes emotional. I speak from experience that handing over cash out of my hand feels far more emotional than swiping a card and checking the damage to my account later. Label your envelopes. Budget every single penny of your paycheck, and place the appropriate amount of cash in the designated envelopes. Try this for a few paychecks and see the difference for yourself!

YOU CAN DO THIS!

I would not intentionally set any of you up for failure. I truly believe that you and I are capable of experiencing financial freedom and truly living as controlled, healthy stewards of our finances despite living with O.C.D., or any other environmental factors around us. Even more than that, I truly believe we can take ownership of our O.C.D. and the impact it has in our lives. We get to be the owner. We get to decide how O.C.D. effects us and to what extent.