Tag: obsessivecompulsivedisorder

Being a Healthy Friend Despite O.C.D.

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Have you ever seen the movie Pitch Perfect? One of my favorite scenes in the movie, is when Chloe starts to blame everything on her “nodes”. At one point she messes up a singing part, and as she attempts to explain why, Fat Amy interrupts and says, “We KNOW, we KNOW! It’s your nodes!”

Living with a clinical condition like O.C.D. can tempt a person to blame every mistake and unhealthy behavior on the clinical condition itself. But let me be clear, though we may not be able to control having a clinical condition, we do have control over how it manifests in us at times. We shouldn’t be the Chloe of a friendship, and blame poor effort on our condition. Our friends, family, and loved ones deserve better. They are not our punching bags left to take the hits of our obsessive, compulsive, and disordered behaviors.

I believe that putting the following steps into action within our relationships, will lead those of us with O.C.D. towards being healthier friends, family members, and loved ones for those who walk beside us in our struggles.

Seek Wise Counsel
I cannot recommend professional and/or sound counsel enough. Whether through a licensed counseling office, or a trusted mentor, having an unbiased outside party to share our O.C.D. struggles with, is crucial. These conversations allow us to not only communicate our struggles in detail, but also to receive advice, discipline, perspective, and understanding regarding our behaviors and concerns as they relate to O.C.D.. Counseling may or may not lead to further intervention like medication, or cognitive/behavioral therapy. These tools for me personally have made all the difference when it comes to what type of friend I am to others despite having O.C.D..

Communicate Clearly
One of the most effective steps I’ve taken in my own relationships, is that of communicating openly about my O.C.D. triggers, the effects they have on me, and when I am experiencing a spiral. This clear communication helps those I love not only understand what I’m going through internally or externally, but also provides better understanding to what I need in those moments. Healthy communication can literally be the difference between lashing out or treating our loved ones poorly because of what we are internalizing, and receiving loving support to help us make healthy choices and demonstrate healthy behaviors. This action has also, at times, allowed my friends or family members to call out my unhealthy behaviors like obsessive communication, neediness, etc, while going deeper and asking how I am doing with O.C.D.. Building a community who truly understands what you are enduring internally or externally, is the quickest way to promote healthy balance in relationships.

Set Boundaries
This is possibly the most difficult step. At least for me. I have a tendency to expend myself for others, even to the point of self destruction. But what I’ve learned, is that in doing that, I end up hurting others in the long run because of what I suffer through internally and how that manifests in my relationships over time. There are times in a friendship and relationship, that because of O.C.D., we must advocate for ourselves and set boundaries. Boundaries sound like this:

“Hey, I really want you to feel heard, and I will do my best to support you however I am able, but I cannot talk about this particular subject as it’s a trigger topic for my O.C.D..”
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but this movie is going to have major impacts on my O.C.D. later on, can we watch something else?”
“I think we should have this conversation in person, and really soon. I feel tempted to obsess over this until I feel it’s resolved, and I don’t think texting will show our true tone of voice or care for one another. I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. And I also will have trouble feeling at peace until this is resolved or talked about.”
“I wish I could stay up with y’all, but night time and a lack of sleep really effects my ability to manage my O.C.D., so I’m going to have to head to bed.”

It may feel awkward, excessive, and even a bit cold at times. But I promise you setting boundaries like these will make a world of difference in the type of friend you are able to be for others around you.

Own Up to Unhealthy Behaviors
Let’s face it. There will be times when O.C.D. gets the best of us. If you’re like me, living with O.C.D. is like running a mental and behavioral marathon every…single…day. And though I strive to be healthy, self controlled, and productive each day, there are days when I fail miserably. And just like any off days that we are all prone to having, there will be times when we need to own up to our poor decisions, words, and behaviors. This might look like,

“I want to apologize for how detached I was earlier. I was feeling ____ because of my O.C.D.. I should have communicated that and been more present in the moment, and I’m sorry. I just wasn’t processing my thoughts or fears well and I let it affect our time together.”
“You were so patient with me earlier when I was struggling to process what was happening. I know walking beside me is not always easy and I just wanted to acknowledge your effort.”
“I am sorry that I have been extra obsessive lately. I’m not sure if I’m just needing more reassurance than usual, or if I’m trying to process thoughts and fears. Either way, I will try to have better boundaries so I’m not exhaustive for you.”

It’s okay to have certain needs and expectations. BUT, we must learn to balance these to prevent unhealthy needy, obsessive, or controlling behaviors. We shouldn’t use our friends, family, or loved ones as an emotional dumping ground when we are struggling to have self control.

We might be clinically obsessive, compulsive, and disordered, but we can still have self control and accountability in our relationships.

-Me

It has taken me decades to understand these things in my own friendships and relationships. Heck, I’m still learning how to be a healthy friend, especially when it comes to living with O.C.D.! But I can tell you first hand, the effort pays off and the benefits of a healthy approach to relationship with others is so rewarding. Next week I will discuss practical ways to be a healthy and supportive friend to those of us who live with O.C.D..

If you find this information to be helpful, I hope you’ll follow this blog, as well as share it with others you feel would benefit as well. I believe that productive communication is key to fostering a better environment for mental health. It starts with me. It starts with you. Let’s change misconceptions together, one conversation at a time!

Finances and O.C.D. (Part 2)

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There are two types of people when it comes to approaching a goal or task. 

Type A-The planner. This individual spends intentional time in thought and consideration before trying to tackle a task or achieve a goal. This person might make a list, do research, write out multiple plans, and call up friends for advice. Chances are, this individual will take a while before making a decision, or moving forward with the plan. This person might take a while to make a final decision, but once the decision is made or the plan carried out, it is seen through to the end with confidence.

Type B-The “just wing it” person.This individual might spend little to no time in preparation before jumping all in to a challenge, goal, or task. They tend to do first, learn during, and correct as they go. And unlike the first type of individual described above, a common theme in this person’s approach is that they often times start out on a task or goal with confidence, but then burn out, change their mind/plans frequently, or even quit before finishing. 

What if we applied these two approaches to some real life situations? For example, which type of person would you prefer when building your dream home? Type A or B? Which type of person would you want teaching your child at school? Which person would you most trust with treating you medically?

Which type of person would you rather place in charge over your finances?

The hard truth is, many of us with O.C.D. fall into the second description, not necessarily by choice, but by default due to our mental disorder that leads us to have uninvited obsessions and compulsions. If you haven’t yet checked out my first post regarding the danger of when O.C.D. collides with financial decisions, check it out here.  For this post, I want to offer a few practical tools that can help us “Type B” individuals, graduate to “Type A” with a little practice, persistence, and patience (and prayer if you’re a believer!). 

Helpful Tools: 

Consider Godly Instruction

If you aren’t a follower of Jesus, feel free to skip down to the next tool. Although, what I’m about to share can be helpful to anyone if applied, whether Christian or not! The bible has much to say when it comes to managing our finances such as avoiding debt, not obsessing over accumulation of money or things, and even how to properly give to others with what we’ve been blessed what. But something that more specifically applies to our topic in this post, is found in 2 Corinthians 9:6-8. 

Here the writer Paul specifically instructs us not to dish out money “under compulsion”, but after planning in our hearts ahead of time. He goes on to say that God will make all “grace abound” in such individuals, so that they will learn to be content “in all things at all times”. I don’t know about you, but this sounds like he just described our “Type A” person mentioned at the beginning of this post. I would challenge any of my O.C.D. community, or even those who have a tendency of spending under compulsion, to consider forming a plan before you touch that money, that card, or that online store. Don’t go in blind, go in prepared in your heart!

Dave Ramsey

I have always said that I would never take health advice from someone who lives an unhealthy life.  Well, I believe this can also be applied to finances. Why would I consider taking financial advice from someone who practices unwise financial habits? 

There are many individuals who were never properly taught about being a good steward of money. There are also many individuals who know they have unhealthy habits, especially if living with the effects of O.C.D., but don’t really know where to turn for wise advice and counsel. I would like to suggest Dave Ramsey. Dave is someone who climbed out of debt himself, consistently made wise decisions, (or at least learned from the unwise decisions), and now lives a very comfortable life—a very wealthy life to be exact. He is paying it forward, so to speak, by sharing some of his best pieces of financial advice.

His financial program won’t guarantee you wealth like he has acquired. BUT, if you truly put into practice his concepts and advice, you will find yourself out of debt, living in financial freedom, and being a consistently good steward of your finances.

Two great resources he provides through his course include the Every Dollar App, and the Baby Steps.

The Every Dollar App can be downloaded for free to your computer, iphone, or android device. This budgeting tool will help you tackle your debt, accumulate smart savings, and start living more wisely with your financial decisions. 

The Baby Steps are, well, just as they sound: 7 simple baby steps that can help walk you towards financial freedom.

The Envelope System

Which do you think would feel more noticeable: someone stealing money directly from your bank account, or someone stealing cash right out of your hand? When it comes to O.C.D. related financial disasters, it is so crucial that money remains tangible, and that spending money becomes emotional. I speak from experience that handing over cash out of my hand feels far more emotional than swiping a card and checking the damage to my account later. Label your envelopes. Budget every single penny of your paycheck, and place the appropriate amount of cash in the designated envelopes. Try this for a few paychecks and see the difference for yourself! 

 YOU CAN DO THIS!

I would not intentionally set any of you up for failure. I truly believe that you and I are capable of experiencing financial freedom and truly living as controlled, healthy stewards of our finances despite living with O.C.D., or any other environmental factors around us. Even more than that, I truly believe we can take ownership of our O.C.D. and the impact it has in our lives. We get to be the owner. We get to decide how O.C.D. effects us and to what extent.