mentalhealthawareness – Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

OCD and My Tiny Life

Happy New Year! It has been a minute since I have updated this blog. That is because so much has happened since last year already. Including the fact that I went TINY!

That’s right! I am officially a tiny home owner and enjoying every minute of my Tiny Life. In just a month’s time, I moved out of a 700 square foot luxury apartment into a small 8 foot by 30 foot loft camper that needed a total renovation. The craziest part (because no, that part wasn’t the crazy part!) ?! I had absolutely no idea how to renovate OR live in an RV. Talk about a whirlwind!

I literally self taught on youtube, or reached out to more knowledgeable friends for advice. And, as you can imagine, this leap has come with quite a few OCD challenges to say the least. I want to be open and honest on what this process has done to and for my OCD, in hopes that it will encourage others with OCD to step out in faith despite the challenges that will come with that leap!

Change on Change
It’s no shock that changes, especially major changes like uprooting your whole way of living, can have a direct impact on mental disorders like OCD. Routine is everything for me, as it helps keep my obsessions, compulsions, and disorder under better management. So, what has this major life change done!? Well, quite frankly it ripped out the comfort rug right from under my feet and left me flat on my back! Surprisingly, that hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing! Stressful? Sure. Inconvenient? Sure. Challenging? YES! But it has revealed what truly triggers my OCD, which better helps me understand the root of it all. At one point in life, change was crippling for me. But after proper therapy, medication, and a much deeper understanding of how my disordered mind works, I am facing the changes head on and even finding joy in them.

New Environment > New Irrational Fears
Let me just be super duper clear with you on what it’s like to live with OCD.

During the renovation process in the last month, I was exposed to quite a few of my irrational fears like sharp objects, contamination, and creepy crawly insects. For the non OCD mind, it would be expected and normal to be on the cautious side of all three of these encounters. But for the OCD mind? Well, here’s what it looked like:

I have always had a weird fear of being cut by sharp objects. So much so that when around sharp objects such as power tools, my mind begins to obsessively imagine my limbs being cut off to the point that I can almost tangibly feel the pain as if it were happening in reality. So, while renovated the RV, my dad needed my constant help in holding wood and flooring while he cut the materials with his power tools. At one point I got so close to passing out that I had to completely jump away from the power tool, causing him to mess up on the cut.

This is the exact experience that happens with the idea of contamination and creepy crawling insects as well. So when we found mold growing where previous leaks were located, and then found a large amount of (thankfully dead) ants inside of the wall…my…mind…went..BONKERS! I would stay up all night in my parents guest bedroom envisioning thousands of insects crawling out of the seems in my RV, and the mold growing all around and silently killing me. I could envision it as if it were really happening.

That, my friends, is OCD at its finest. At first, I was slightly compulsive as I would treat the mold multiple times a day (not safe for me to be around but did it anyway!) instead of once or twice over all. I would constantly peel back too much of perfectly fine walls and floors because I was convinced that I would find more insects. You get the point.

THE GOOD NEWS?!
I quickly realized that I was spiraling and losing management of my OCD’s response to irrational fears and vivid images. With a few of my therapy coping strategies, talking out my fears, I reassured myself by reviewing the safety guidelines on the sharp tools, taking pictures each day of the mold to remind myself it was resolving, and having occasional reminders by my dad to “stop cutting the good wall and floor away”.

I recognized my OCD was in charge.
I took action to change from the co-pilot seat to the pilot seat.
I put my irrational fears in check with reality.

The result? Well, I’m still working on it. But I am officially sleeping in my RV comfortably, am so pleased with the progress of renovation, and feel much more safe and comfortable in my surroundings.

2020 for me was a year of self discovery. And though I am definitely still on that journey, 2021 represents exposing myself to more irrational fears, and allowing my mind the chance to fight back!

If anything in this blog or on this site seems helpful to you , or you think it could benefit someone you know, please follow along and share! I believe that together we can foster a much safer, more normalized, and healthier conversation around mental health.

The Future of O.C.D.

Everytime that I hear someone say, “I am SO ready for 2020 to be over”, I quickly reply with, “Well you don’t know what 2021 has in store for us yet!” And while our future is uncertain in regards to what victories and challenges we will face in the new year, we can be certain of a few things.

Today Is The Most Important Day
As special and memorable as the past is, and as exciting and hopeful as the future is, today deserves the most of our attention out of the three. We can’t change or live in the past, and we can’t control or predict the future. But with today, we can utilize what we’ve learned from the past, and form patterns and habits that set us up for a healthy future.

There Will Be Challenges
As long as their is blood pumping through our veins, and air circulating through our lungs, we are at war with the flesh. Whether sickness, death, temptation, disappointment, or trials, we are certain to endure hardship throughout 2021. Knowing this certainty, I find it of utmost importance to spend the remainder of 2020 preparing the mind and spirit for another year of endurance. Just as a military leader prepares their troops for the battle ahead, God gives us resources through His word, prayer, and community that help us prepare for the battle field ahead of us.

Good Can Come From Any Situation
If you’re like me, then you instantly thought of a few situations that surely are incapable of producing anything good. Examples that crossed my mind: A sudden and tragic loss of a child. Watching a loved one suffer and die from cancer. Suffering through a brutal war that leaves one left with PTSD. I could keep going. And though all of these situations are tragic and deserve appropriate grief, I truly do still believe that good can come from any situation. The key is to look for the good in the not so good experiences of life. Not every situation will feel good. But every situation can produce good, even if the good is simply experiencing growth, deepening of community, or an important lesson that is learned.

Let me switch gears for just a moment by saying this,

I DON’T KNOW WHAT 2021 HOLDS FOR MY O.C.D.. BUT I CAN BE CERTAIN OF A FEW THINGS:

Today Is The Most Important Day
I can’t beat myself up over the past struggles of my O.C.D., just as I can’t sit in worry about what a future of living with O.C.D. looks like. What I can do, however, is tap into the strength, self-control, community, and resources that God supplies for me this very day…while trusting that tomorrow will provide a new stream of resources and strength. He always manages to provide just what I need for today. And that’s why I can praise Him for my past victories, learn from past mistakes, and have Faith as I walk into the unknowns of the future.

There Will Be Challenges
The only certainty of 2021, is knowing that I will still have O.C.D.. There will still be challenges and struggles. How I choose to utilize my time right now can greatly determine what shape I will be in mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually during those inevitable struggles. I choose to be thankful for the certainty of hardship because at least I can prepare for it now.

Good Can Come From Any Situation
It has taken me several decades to find “the good” in living with a mental disorder like O.C.D. and irrational phobias that consume my mind and day to day life. But like I explained earlier, just because a situation or experience like O.C.D. doesn’t feel good, that doesn’t mean that the experience cannot produce good. Living with and through O.C.D. has given me far more compassion and empathy for others who have disabilities and disorders. Suffering through O.C.D. has created a deeper hope and longing for heaven in me. Fighting through so many years of isolated misery from O.C.D. has taught me the importance and definition of community.

"Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, 
because tomorrow will worry about itself. 
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

Instead of worrying about the uncertainties of a future filled with O.C.D., I choose to embrace what IS certain. Today is the most important day. That’s certain. I will face challenges in the future. That is certain. Good truly can come from any challenge I endure. That is certain.

What certainties will you choose to meditate on in preparation for a new year?

OCD And 2020

2020 has definitely proven to be a year full of unsettling events. A global pandemic, political unrest, racial divide, and violent riots. Where have you found yourself mentally throughout this year?

Despite the vast challenges of the year, 2020 has also proven to be one of the deepest soul searching years. At least for me! With far more time to myself amidst quarantine and shutdowns, I, like so many others, have been forced into God’s will of being still, and knowing who He is in my life.

This unexpected season of isolation has forced me to address questions and thoughts that for so long I was too busy, or too distracted, to address. Questions like: What are my callings? What are my passions? What are my talents? What is my vision? What hurdles do I still need to leap over? What path am I walking down, and where is it headed? What am I actually doing to positively impact my community? Thoughts like: I don’t have value. I am so far behind everyone else in life. I just don’t compare.

As we wrap up this unique year, I knew that I needed to face these questions and thoughts head on. So, last month I packed up and headed to Arizona and Utah for a 4 day get away into the beautiful mountains and canyons of the mid West. I spent 4 days surrounded by beautiful nature, soaking in (mostly) quiet moments. Nature has always managed to be a safe place for me to address my racing mind. And, because I believe the reminders and messages imprinted on my heart in that time truly do matter, I want to share my takeaways with you!

Mental Health Matters
We can only run away from our thoughts and mental distress for so long until it all catches up to us. This season of quarantine and stillness reminded me that it is so important to be in tune with my mental health. Why run from the obsessive thoughts, questions, insecurities, fears, or doubts when running only leads to more distress down the road? I am hopeful that the future me will look back at 2020 and say, “That was the year that I finally took control of my mental health and began actively putting mental health as a top priority in my life.”

There is Always Hope
I wonder if I am the only one who has taken comfort in the fact that literally the entire world is experiencing this pandemic together. I can’t remember a point in my life time where literally the entire world was shut down, and sharing one common experience that united us all. Despite the death, the pain, the uncertainty, the fear, this commonality has brought me great hope. But not just pandemic hope. This season has taught me that even in the absolute lowest and darkest of valleys, if we keep our eyes open we will see and experience something that will help shape us into better people. This is true for OCD as well. Good things can come from OCD and other hardships. We just have to open ourselves up to seeing that goodness, to feeling that hope.

We Are Not Alone
My heart breaks as I hear the rising statistics of suicide rights during this pandemic. I personally have heard of 3 suicides just in my social circle. And though I cannot speak for the deceased, I do sense a commonality of loneliness and isolation at the basis of these situations. But what I find interesting, is that even in their death, they were apart of a larger suicide community. What that has taught me, is that whatever we are struggling with, chances are that others around the world have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience similar struggles. But how will we know if we are unwilling to share our struggles openly? Which leads me to my last takeaway.

Awareness is Everything
Whether it is us as individuals being aware of our own struggles and needs, or being aware of the needs of others around us, we are our healthiest as a people when we are aware. Awareness does not just happen by itself. It only follows vulnerable openness. When we open up about our struggles and needs, not only do we become aware of resources to help or other people experiencing similar struggles and needs…but others become aware of our struggles and needs as well. Awareness has become my greatest mission through this blog and other platforms. I believe awareness holds the power to bring true healing, true unity, and true growth.

What has 2020 taught you? I can only hope all that we have learned and taken away from this year will lead us into a much healthier environment for 2021, despite any challenges that continue or arise.

OCD And RV Renovation

Here’s the deal y’all. With OCD, it is incredibly difficult for me to leave things unfinished. I obsess over a project until it’s finished even if I don’t get sleep until it’s done!

So, as you can imagine, the process of renovating an 11 year old RV with limited to no knowledge, is literally jumping into all kinds of exposure for my OCD. I am having to learn to adjust on the fly, accept some things (MANY things) will not be perfect even after renovation, and am having to process the fact that unexpected dilemmas will pop up along the way.

Part of the reason I avoided taking this leap of tiny house renovation for so many years, was largely due to my irrational OCD fears of the entire process. And though I still am having to daily prep myself mentally and emotional for all of these changes and unknowns and challenges, half a year into my medication and cognitive OCD therapy is making a huge difference.

This will not be an easy process. But, part of the reason I am vlogging from start to finish and sharing with you all, is because being in front of a camera helps me go into entertainment mode and that helps redirect my spinning OCD irrational fears and anxieties into something more positive, creative, and dare I say…..fun!!

Enjoy my newest video where I attempt to take out some of the original cabinets in the RV. Subscribe to my channel and follow my blog so that you don’t miss out on this adventure! It’s sure to be entertaining at the least.

OCD-Created On Purpose

You might have noticed a subtle, yet significant change on my website. But because I’m assuming most of you didn’t catch the change at all, I’ll go ahead and give you the spoiler alert: I changed the subject of this blog from “Living With OCD”, to “Created on Purpose”.

Over the last few months, I have been meditating and praying over the direction of this blog leading into 2021, especially in combination with my newly launched Youtube channel. How could I possibly discuss living with OCD in a way that relates to everyone? And then, it hit me!

The core of everything I have shared up to this point, is founded on one passionate message: Despite our brokenness, despite our limitations, despite our darkness, we were created on purpose and for a purpose. We are our best selves when we are living with purpose. I believe this with everything in me.

This change represents broadening my message to more than just individuals who live with a mental disorder like OCD. I want to speak and share in ways that anyone can relate to.

What will this look like in 2021?

1-Addressing Broader Topics.
I want to go beyond conversations about OCD and cover topics that anyone can relate to.

2-Fostering Deeper Conversations.
My hope is to tackle those questions or thoughts that most try to avoid and dance around, while still occasionally incorporating my own personal journey with OCD.

3-Creating Intentional Content.
I truly want to create a more unified platform that has a tangible direction and message.

I want to thank each of you who have supported this journey in 2020. But honestly, I feel like I am just getting started as I enter the new year with a fresh vision and more intentional content. I hope you’ll continue to follow me into these new and deeper discussions. I can only do so much in this world. But together? Man, we can literally change the world around us.

Will you join me?

OCD and an RV?

What have I gotten myself into?

I have lost count of how many times I have asked myself this question over the last 5 days. It all started with a bold prayer that I wasn’t even quite ready to see in action. “Lord, I want to circle my student loan debt, my desire to adopt a child, and my passion for local and global mission efforts.”

When people say “Be careful what you pray for!”, they must be speaking from experience!

A few hours after this prayer, my Spirit began churning to the point I could not ignore the restlessness in me. Everything I laid at His feet were areas in my life that I could change, improve, and/or surrender. I began thinking about the areas of my life that seem to be so limited by OCD: intimacy/marriage, finances, and connectedness.

The idea of living in a renovated camper had entered my mind many times in the past. But due to my irrational fears, unmanaged OCD, and strict routines inside of my own home, the idea of selling nearly all of my things and living in a small RV just didn’t seem possible. But 7 months into managed OCD, the idea not only felt possible, but it began to feel like the first steps towards achieving the dreams I had laid out before God.

The next day I applied for and was accepted for a small RV loan. Within 24 hours of the loan approval, my dream RV model popped up for sale under budget in the town next to me on Facebook Market. Within 24 hours of seeing that ad pop up, I drove off the parking lot with the RV towing behind my dad’s truck.

What…a…WHIRL WIND. My mind is STILL spinning. Did I REALLY just commit to living in a tiny home that can’t even furnish 2/3 of my belongings? Did I REALLY just commit to breaking my apartment lease without a for sure place to even park the RV? Did I REALLY just commit to an entire life style and environmental change? What have I gotten myself into?!

But the answer is simple, and can be dwindled down to three words: Freedom. Adoption. Connection.

You see, OCD has stripped so much freedom, so much love, and so much connection from me. OCD has deeply affected my finances, my ability to enter a marriage relationship, and even my ability to feel connected to my surroundings. And for longer than I’d like to admit, these limitations controlled my life decisions, and owned my thoughts. But these three words have become my anthem. This anthem will soon begin to unfold as I make this huge change to RV living. Let me explain.

FREEDOM
Having graduated from a small private christian university, my student loans cost more each month than a typical house mortgage. And given the average apartment rent for a studio to one bedroom apartment is minimum $1000/month in my area, the odds of quickly getting out of debt are slim to none. UNLESS…my life style and my environment change drastically. Even the thought of being debt free and experiencing financial freedom inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all.

ADOPTION
For years I have questioned if I am capable of being healthy in a marriage due to my OCD and how it impacts my ability to process physical intimacy. For years this uncertainty heaped up loads of anxiety, insecurity, and loneliness. UNTIL…God put on my heart the calling of adoption. My life matters. My love matters. My attention and affection matter. And to some sweet child out there, it will be their whole world pieced together to receive these things that I am able to offer someone. Knowing that RV living can help me move into a financially stable place to adopt, inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all.

CONNECTION
I feel most connected to creation and humanity when I am participating in local and global relief efforts. Traveling and experiencing different cultures as well as nature, by far is when my mind is most at peace and connected to my surroundings. Connecting to my surroundings can be challenging because of the affects OCD has on my mind. So any and every chance I get to connect to my surroundings, I take it! The concept of having a home on wheels that can roam the country with me, and move throughout life as I do, connecting to my surroundings, well..it just about brings me to tears! And inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all!

OCD might limit me from certain experiences in this life. But I no longer give it permission to control every aspect of my life. OCD cannot have my joy, my peace, my relationships, my purpose, or my dreams. So yes…I choose an RV life, despite OCD.

To follow my RV Life adventures, subscribe to my youtube channel ! You won’t want to miss the entertainment that comes with an OCD individual transitioning to RV living. I assure you.

OCD “Why Me?”

Surely I am not the only one who has asked the question, “Why me?”, when facing hardship?

When it comes to OCD, there are so many times I have begged God to take this away from me. I look around at everyone who doesn’t have OCD and wish so deeply I could experience the things they experience without a care in the world.

This video goes a bit deeper into this questions. I hope this change of perspective can help you as much as it is helping me. Make sure to like the video, subscribe to my channel, and pass the message along if you find anything that is said to be helpful or encouraging.

OCD Awareness Week

Can you imagine going 17 years through life, not knowing why you struggle with your struggles with certain things that others don’t struggle with?

The term “OCD” was loosely thrown around at me in counseling during college, as a potential cause of what I was miserably enduring for many years. Other terms that I heard growing up to describe my challenges were, “learning disorder”, “anxiety”, “depression”, “eating disorder”, “gay”, “too picky”, “overwhelming”, “too critical”, and others I’m sure.

Can you imagine being told these things, while knowing in your heart something just wasn’t right?

I knew I didn’t have a learning disorder. I was a fantastic student and graduated from nursing school with great grades!

I knew I didn’t have chronic anxiety or depression. At my core I was passionate, productive, social and full of joy.

I knew I didn’t have an eating disorder. I loved food, enjoyed being healthy, and wasn’t trying to lose weight.

I knew I wasn’t gay. But I couldn’t understand my irrational fears, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, or my obsession over fear of the body when thinking about intimacy.

I knew I wasn’t intentionally being stubborn or picky about the things I was afraid of or uncomfortable with like textures, colors, patterns, or sounds.

I knew that I was overwhelming, but I didn’t want to be.

I knew that I was over critical, but I didn’t enjoy it nor did I want to be.

17 years is a LONG time to wrestle with these challenges. 17 years is a LONG time to feel so misunderstood. 17 years is a LONG time to not have an explanation for what you are struggling with. 17 years is a LONG time to feel isolated.

My opinion, is that this gap–the time it takes a person to be properly diagnosed and treated for OCD–is one of the greatest causes of suicide rates within the OCD community. As mentioned before, we are 10 times more likely to commit suicide than those who do not suffer from this disorder. When was the turning point in my own journey? The moment I learned that my struggles had a name, an explanation, and a treatment plan! That moment was the moment suicide stopped being a continual thought, and HOPE began to fuel every day.

I am still on my healing journey. And honestly, I probably always will be this side of heaven. But I believe that the more I (we) communicate openly about these things, raise awareness, and shorten this gap in the OCD community, the more momentum, power, and HOPE will be injected into our community.

Help me spread this message by following and sharing my social media platforms.

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My O.C.D. Birthday Announcement!

Announcement!!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Did you know that the 2nd week of October is O.C.D. awareness week? Did you know that my birthday kicks off the beginning of that week? Did you know that I have O.C.D.? Ok, too far….of course you did! That’s been the topic of this entire blog site.

To support the O.C.D. community, and others who struggle with mental health balance, I will be posting personalized videos throughout the month of October. These videos will be vulnerable in an effort to help those still living isolated from their disorder, step into the light of healthy communication.

For more information on special events, community awareness walks, and virtual education, check out the O.C.D. awareness week website here.

I hope you’ll help me in spreading the word, showing support, and raising awareness for this amazing cause. I truly believe that together we can drastically help reduce suicide cases that are related to mental disorders like O.C.D.. It starts with me. It starts with you.

Will you join me in this fight for mental health?

Check these out:
O.C.D. Week Calendar
Virtual Walk-a-Thon
Virtual Seminars
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