Tag: livingwithocd

OCD and My Tiny Life

Happy New Year! It has been a minute since I have updated this blog. That is because so much has happened since last year already. Including the fact that I went TINY!

That’s right! I am officially a tiny home owner and enjoying every minute of my Tiny Life. In just a month’s time, I moved out of a 700 square foot luxury apartment into a small 8 foot by 30 foot loft camper that needed a total renovation. The craziest part (because no, that part wasn’t the crazy part!) ?! I had absolutely no idea how to renovate OR live in an RV. Talk about a whirlwind!

I literally self taught on youtube, or reached out to more knowledgeable friends for advice. And, as you can imagine, this leap has come with quite a few OCD challenges to say the least. I want to be open and honest on what this process has done to and for my OCD, in hopes that it will encourage others with OCD to step out in faith despite the challenges that will come with that leap!

Change on Change
It’s no shock that changes, especially major changes like uprooting your whole way of living, can have a direct impact on mental disorders like OCD. Routine is everything for me, as it helps keep my obsessions, compulsions, and disorder under better management. So, what has this major life change done!? Well, quite frankly it ripped out the comfort rug right from under my feet and left me flat on my back! Surprisingly, that hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing! Stressful? Sure. Inconvenient? Sure. Challenging? YES! But it has revealed what truly triggers my OCD, which better helps me understand the root of it all. At one point in life, change was crippling for me. But after proper therapy, medication, and a much deeper understanding of how my disordered mind works, I am facing the changes head on and even finding joy in them.

New Environment > New Irrational Fears
Let me just be super duper clear with you on what it’s like to live with OCD.

During the renovation process in the last month, I was exposed to quite a few of my irrational fears like sharp objects, contamination, and creepy crawly insects. For the non OCD mind, it would be expected and normal to be on the cautious side of all three of these encounters. But for the OCD mind? Well, here’s what it looked like:

I have always had a weird fear of being cut by sharp objects. So much so that when around sharp objects such as power tools, my mind begins to obsessively imagine my limbs being cut off to the point that I can almost tangibly feel the pain as if it were happening in reality. So, while renovated the RV, my dad needed my constant help in holding wood and flooring while he cut the materials with his power tools. At one point I got so close to passing out that I had to completely jump away from the power tool, causing him to mess up on the cut.

This is the exact experience that happens with the idea of contamination and creepy crawling insects as well. So when we found mold growing where previous leaks were located, and then found a large amount of (thankfully dead) ants inside of the wall…my…mind…went..BONKERS! I would stay up all night in my parents guest bedroom envisioning thousands of insects crawling out of the seems in my RV, and the mold growing all around and silently killing me. I could envision it as if it were really happening.

That, my friends, is OCD at its finest. At first, I was slightly compulsive as I would treat the mold multiple times a day (not safe for me to be around but did it anyway!) instead of once or twice over all. I would constantly peel back too much of perfectly fine walls and floors because I was convinced that I would find more insects. You get the point.

THE GOOD NEWS?!
I quickly realized that I was spiraling and losing management of my OCD’s response to irrational fears and vivid images. With a few of my therapy coping strategies, talking out my fears, I reassured myself by reviewing the safety guidelines on the sharp tools, taking pictures each day of the mold to remind myself it was resolving, and having occasional reminders by my dad to “stop cutting the good wall and floor away”.

I recognized my OCD was in charge.
I took action to change from the co-pilot seat to the pilot seat.
I put my irrational fears in check with reality.

The result? Well, I’m still working on it. But I am officially sleeping in my RV comfortably, am so pleased with the progress of renovation, and feel much more safe and comfortable in my surroundings.

2020 for me was a year of self discovery. And though I am definitely still on that journey, 2021 represents exposing myself to more irrational fears, and allowing my mind the chance to fight back!

If anything in this blog or on this site seems helpful to you , or you think it could benefit someone you know, please follow along and share! I believe that together we can foster a much safer, more normalized, and healthier conversation around mental health.

The Future of O.C.D.

Everytime that I hear someone say, “I am SO ready for 2020 to be over”, I quickly reply with, “Well you don’t know what 2021 has in store for us yet!” And while our future is uncertain in regards to what victories and challenges we will face in the new year, we can be certain of a few things.

Today Is The Most Important Day
As special and memorable as the past is, and as exciting and hopeful as the future is, today deserves the most of our attention out of the three. We can’t change or live in the past, and we can’t control or predict the future. But with today, we can utilize what we’ve learned from the past, and form patterns and habits that set us up for a healthy future.

There Will Be Challenges
As long as their is blood pumping through our veins, and air circulating through our lungs, we are at war with the flesh. Whether sickness, death, temptation, disappointment, or trials, we are certain to endure hardship throughout 2021. Knowing this certainty, I find it of utmost importance to spend the remainder of 2020 preparing the mind and spirit for another year of endurance. Just as a military leader prepares their troops for the battle ahead, God gives us resources through His word, prayer, and community that help us prepare for the battle field ahead of us.

Good Can Come From Any Situation
If you’re like me, then you instantly thought of a few situations that surely are incapable of producing anything good. Examples that crossed my mind: A sudden and tragic loss of a child. Watching a loved one suffer and die from cancer. Suffering through a brutal war that leaves one left with PTSD. I could keep going. And though all of these situations are tragic and deserve appropriate grief, I truly do still believe that good can come from any situation. The key is to look for the good in the not so good experiences of life. Not every situation will feel good. But every situation can produce good, even if the good is simply experiencing growth, deepening of community, or an important lesson that is learned.

Let me switch gears for just a moment by saying this,

I DON’T KNOW WHAT 2021 HOLDS FOR MY O.C.D.. BUT I CAN BE CERTAIN OF A FEW THINGS:

Today Is The Most Important Day
I can’t beat myself up over the past struggles of my O.C.D., just as I can’t sit in worry about what a future of living with O.C.D. looks like. What I can do, however, is tap into the strength, self-control, community, and resources that God supplies for me this very day…while trusting that tomorrow will provide a new stream of resources and strength. He always manages to provide just what I need for today. And that’s why I can praise Him for my past victories, learn from past mistakes, and have Faith as I walk into the unknowns of the future.

There Will Be Challenges
The only certainty of 2021, is knowing that I will still have O.C.D.. There will still be challenges and struggles. How I choose to utilize my time right now can greatly determine what shape I will be in mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually during those inevitable struggles. I choose to be thankful for the certainty of hardship because at least I can prepare for it now.

Good Can Come From Any Situation
It has taken me several decades to find “the good” in living with a mental disorder like O.C.D. and irrational phobias that consume my mind and day to day life. But like I explained earlier, just because a situation or experience like O.C.D. doesn’t feel good, that doesn’t mean that the experience cannot produce good. Living with and through O.C.D. has given me far more compassion and empathy for others who have disabilities and disorders. Suffering through O.C.D. has created a deeper hope and longing for heaven in me. Fighting through so many years of isolated misery from O.C.D. has taught me the importance and definition of community. 

"Therefore, stop worrying about tomorrow, 
because tomorrow will worry about itself. 
Each day has enough trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

Instead of worrying about the uncertainties of a future filled with O.C.D., I choose to embrace what IS certain. Today is the most important day. That’s certain. I will face challenges in the future. That is certain. Good truly can come from any challenge I endure. That is certain.

What certainties will you choose to meditate on in preparation for a new year?

OCD And RV Renovation

Here’s the deal y’all. With OCD, it is incredibly difficult for me to leave things unfinished. I obsess over a project until it’s finished even if I don’t get sleep until it’s done!

So, as you can imagine, the process of renovating an 11 year old RV with limited to no knowledge, is literally jumping into all kinds of exposure for my OCD. I am having to learn to adjust on the fly, accept some things (MANY things) will not be perfect even after renovation, and am having to process the fact that unexpected dilemmas will pop up along the way.

Part of the reason I avoided taking this leap of tiny house renovation for so many years, was largely due to my irrational OCD fears of the entire process. And though I still am having to daily prep myself mentally and emotional for all of these changes and unknowns and challenges, half a year into my medication and cognitive OCD therapy is making a huge difference.

This will not be an easy process. But, part of the reason I am vlogging from start to finish and sharing with you all, is because being in front of a camera helps me go into entertainment mode and that helps redirect my spinning OCD irrational fears and anxieties into something more positive, creative, and dare I say…..fun!!

Enjoy my newest video where I attempt to take out some of the original cabinets in the RV. Subscribe to my channel and follow my blog so that you don’t miss out on this adventure! It’s sure to be entertaining at the least.

Announcement!!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Did you know that the 2nd week of October is O.C.D. awareness week? Did you know that my birthday kicks off the beginning of that week? Did you know that I have O.C.D.? Ok, too far….of course you did! That’s been the topic of this entire blog site.

To support the O.C.D. community, and others who struggle with mental health balance, I will be posting personalized videos throughout the month of October. These videos will be vulnerable in an effort to help those still living isolated from their disorder, step into the light of healthy communication.

For more information on special events, community awareness walks, and virtual education, check out the O.C.D. awareness week website here.

I hope you’ll help me in spreading the word, showing support, and raising awareness for this amazing cause. I truly believe that together we can drastically help reduce suicide cases that are related to mental disorders like O.C.D.. It starts with me. It starts with you.

Will you join me in this fight for mental health?

Check these out:
O.C.D. Week Calendar
Virtual Walk-a-Thon
Virtual Seminars
Make a Donation