Tag: lifelongfriends

How To Be A Supportive Friend To Someone With O.C.D.

pigletPhoto by Elle Hughes on Pexels.com

Winnie the Pooh. Have you heard of this little guy and his little forest full of friends? Certainly so!

While raising my three brothers and I, my mother was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. How obsessed, you ask? My oldest brother was named Christopher, after Christopher Robin. In fact, the only reason his middle name is not Robin, is because my dad said that was too far! My mom has a thick, whimsical story book full of Winnie the Pooh stories by her bedside. And when I stay in New York each summer for work, she goes bananas when I Facetime her while standing next to the original Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals located at the New York public library.The woman is obsessed, I tell you!

And honestly, I can’t blame her. Not only are the characters so lovable and cute, but some of the wisest quotes on friendship have stemmed from this beloved little bear and his forest friends. In fact, I believe a few of these quotes go perfectly with our discussion this week: How to be a supportive friend to someone with O.C.D.. Fewer friendships are sweeter, or more loyal than the friendship between all of these little friends, (despite Pooh’s honey obsession, Piglet’s compulsive stutter, and Rabbit’s disordered self…see what I did there!).

So, if you’re the person who has grown to love someone with O.C.D., whether it be a child, a spouse, a family member, or a friend, take note! These next pieces of advice could just be the very things that grow you into the sweetest and most loyal friend. Not to mention, we tend to attract the type of friendships that we offer to others. So don’t worry, you’ll get a return on the investment!

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today”, said Pooh.
“There, there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do!”

Winnie the Pooh

Show Patience
One of the most challenging and heart breaking aspects of seeing someone we love struggle through O.C.D., is how detached they can become when in a mental/physical spiral. This detachment can manifest in many ways, such as a lack of interest in normal passions, an inability to engage during activities or conversations, or even the inability to cope through day to day routines. Take courage, and be patient! Your friend and loved one is in there somewhere, beneath the spiral of O.C.D., and the dark cloud of depression and/or anxiety stemming from the O.C.D.. There will be times and seasons when you have to be the Piglet of the friendship. This season might require providing extra reassurance to your loved one that A-You’re right there with them, B-They WILL climb back out of the spiral and return to their healthy self again, and C-That they DO have things in life they enjoy, and those things are worth working to regain.

“How do you spell love?” -Piglet.
“You don’t spell it, you feel it!” -Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh

Show Love
When your loved one is walking through the hard seasons of O.C.D., chances are, they are going to feel isolated, exhausted, and invisible. Dealing with intrusive, obsessive thoughts and fears, while trying to combat compulsions, is truly a marathon. Every day becomes a battle. Your loved one will most likely have feelings and thoughts centered around, “No one understands what I’m going through”, “I just don’t want to be a burden any more”, “I don’t think I can do this alone”, “No one truly sees my pain”, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else”. The challenge with these unhealthy perceptions, is that the individual may not ever speak up for themselves, or spell out their needs for you. But that’s just it, sometimes loving someone means seeing the needs they just aren’t capable of spelling out. This might look like A- “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while, I’m going to come sit with you this evening. I’m here to listen, or just be near you”, B-Ask them specific questions like, “What are you most anxious about or afraid of right now?”, “What is one thing that would help distract you, calm you, or re-channel this mental energy? I would like to do that thing with you/for you”, or C- Ask what they need, but also be very prepared for them to not know. Just like Piglet knew his friend Pooh loved tea, honey, and being near to him, use your intimate knowledge of your friends passions and just show up for them. Show you love them. Show you care. They just might feel that love more tangibly than hearing about it.

“You must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think. But the most important thing to remember is even if we are apart, I will always be with you”

Winnie the Pooh

Show Belief
Possibly the greatest fear rooted deep down in the heart and mind of someone who lives with O.C.D., is the fear of being rejected and abandoned because of the exhaustion of dealing with O.C.D.. And as their loved one, you’ll have the ability to see their potential, even when they can’t. You know what they’re capable of, the brilliance inside of them, the creativity that flows from them, the strength that bursts through their daily fight. Remind them of these things. Remind them that they are not O.C.D., they simply have O.C.D.. Remind them of their ability to take control of how O.C.D. affects them, and that they are capable of thriving. And most importantly, gently remind them that though you cannot be there for 100% of every struggle, every decision, every daily battle, you’re in their heart and they are in yours. Reassure them x1,000,000 that even when you’re apart, you believe in them, will check in on them, and are thinking about them. You’ll be tempted to continually want to “fix” them. But that just hurts the person in the long run. Your role in their life is not to fix their O.C.D.. No, my friend,you have been tasked with the crucial and sweet role of supporting them as they discover in themselves how to live a healthy and thriving life despite this mental disorder. You are not their crutch. But you can be a rock for them!

“We’ll be friends forever, won’t we Pooh?” asked Piglet.
“Even longer,” Pooh answered.

Winnie the Pooh

Show Loyalty
Fewer things reassure a racing mind, and uncertain heart, than hearing, “I know we are walking through a really tough season of your O.C.D.. But I love you in the easy seasons and even more in the harder seasons. I’m beside you for every season. I will sit by you, and believe in you during the dark seasons, and I will also cheer for you and celebrate you during the thriving seasons.” Let me be very clear: This..takes..commitment. Let me be even more clear: You..are only..one…person! They might need more than your friendship, and that’s ok to admit. Your friendship and love for them will do wonders. But please don’t lose your own sanity in the process of helping your loved one walk through an O.C.D. spiral. You need to find your own balance, your own peace, and your own anchor as you strive to support them in the hard seasons. Just the same, you must know when to guide them to other tools and resources like counseling, medication, building a bigger supportive community, etc. You may be their safety net, but you’re only one person. They will need an army of tools and resources as they learn to thrive despite this disorder. Approach this very gently and lovingly. Heck, hold their hand while you tell them these things! Work diligently to choose your choice of words carefully. Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry! I just can’t handle this!”, or “I’m just not what you need right now!”, or “I just wish you could be yourself!” These can be incredibly isolating and damaging to your loved one who is already struggling with the insecurities of being abandoned or too much of a burden. More appropriate ways to approach this, would be, “You have me. I’m here for you through thick in thin. And because I’m here for you for the long haul, I believe that there are more tools than just me out there to help you with this. I’m only one person, and I’m doing my best. But you deserve all of the tools and resources, even ones I can’t provide you with!”

Can you feel the difference in these approaches?

Now, before you walk away thinking, “Geeze, I never want to love someone with O.C.D., that sounds like a LOT of work!” I want you to consider one thing: Every single human being on this earth has, is currently, or will endure hardship of some form. Even you. These pieces of advice I just shared aren’t specifically and solely to use for those of us with O.C.D.. Spoiler alert! These tips are applicable to supporting anyone through hardship of any kind. Friendship takes work. Intimate and life long friendship takes even more work. But oh my, it is so worth it!

Being a Healthy Friend Despite O.C.D.

Photo by ROMAN ODINTSOV on Pexels.com

Have you ever seen the movie Pitch Perfect? One of my favorite scenes in the movie, is when Chloe starts to blame everything on her “nodes”. At one point she messes up a singing part, and as she attempts to explain why, Fat Amy interrupts and says, “We KNOW, we KNOW! It’s your nodes!”

Living with a clinical condition like O.C.D. can tempt a person to blame every mistake and unhealthy behavior on the clinical condition itself. But let me be clear, though we may not be able to control having a clinical condition, we do have control over how it manifests in us at times. We shouldn’t be the Chloe of a friendship, and blame poor effort on our condition. Our friends, family, and loved ones deserve better. They are not our punching bags left to take the hits of our obsessive, compulsive, and disordered behaviors.

I believe that putting the following steps into action within our relationships, will lead those of us with O.C.D. towards being healthier friends, family members, and loved ones for those who walk beside us in our struggles.

Seek Wise Counsel
I cannot recommend professional and/or sound counsel enough. Whether through a licensed counseling office, or a trusted mentor, having an unbiased outside party to share our O.C.D. struggles with, is crucial. These conversations allow us to not only communicate our struggles in detail, but also to receive advice, discipline, perspective, and understanding regarding our behaviors and concerns as they relate to O.C.D.. Counseling may or may not lead to further intervention like medication, or cognitive/behavioral therapy. These tools for me personally have made all the difference when it comes to what type of friend I am to others despite having O.C.D..

Communicate Clearly
One of the most effective steps I’ve taken in my own relationships, is that of communicating openly about my O.C.D. triggers, the effects they have on me, and when I am experiencing a spiral. This clear communication helps those I love not only understand what I’m going through internally or externally, but also provides better understanding to what I need in those moments. Healthy communication can literally be the difference between lashing out or treating our loved ones poorly because of what we are internalizing, and receiving loving support to help us make healthy choices and demonstrate healthy behaviors. This action has also, at times, allowed my friends or family members to call out my unhealthy behaviors like obsessive communication, neediness, etc, while going deeper and asking how I am doing with O.C.D.. Building a community who truly understands what you are enduring internally or externally, is the quickest way to promote healthy balance in relationships.

Set Boundaries
This is possibly the most difficult step. At least for me. I have a tendency to expend myself for others, even to the point of self destruction. But what I’ve learned, is that in doing that, I end up hurting others in the long run because of what I suffer through internally and how that manifests in my relationships over time. There are times in a friendship and relationship, that because of O.C.D., we must advocate for ourselves and set boundaries. Boundaries sound like this:

“Hey, I really want you to feel heard, and I will do my best to support you however I am able, but I cannot talk about this particular subject as it’s a trigger topic for my O.C.D..”
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but this movie is going to have major impacts on my O.C.D. later on, can we watch something else?”
“I think we should have this conversation in person, and really soon. I feel tempted to obsess over this until I feel it’s resolved, and I don’t think texting will show our true tone of voice or care for one another. I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. And I also will have trouble feeling at peace until this is resolved or talked about.”
“I wish I could stay up with y’all, but night time and a lack of sleep really effects my ability to manage my O.C.D., so I’m going to have to head to bed.”

It may feel awkward, excessive, and even a bit cold at times. But I promise you setting boundaries like these will make a world of difference in the type of friend you are able to be for others around you.

Own Up to Unhealthy Behaviors
Let’s face it. There will be times when O.C.D. gets the best of us. If you’re like me, living with O.C.D. is like running a mental and behavioral marathon every…single…day. And though I strive to be healthy, self controlled, and productive each day, there are days when I fail miserably. And just like any off days that we are all prone to having, there will be times when we need to own up to our poor decisions, words, and behaviors. This might look like,

“I want to apologize for how detached I was earlier. I was feeling ____ because of my O.C.D.. I should have communicated that and been more present in the moment, and I’m sorry. I just wasn’t processing my thoughts or fears well and I let it affect our time together.”
“You were so patient with me earlier when I was struggling to process what was happening. I know walking beside me is not always easy and I just wanted to acknowledge your effort.”
“I am sorry that I have been extra obsessive lately. I’m not sure if I’m just needing more reassurance than usual, or if I’m trying to process thoughts and fears. Either way, I will try to have better boundaries so I’m not exhaustive for you.”

It’s okay to have certain needs and expectations. BUT, we must learn to balance these to prevent unhealthy needy, obsessive, or controlling behaviors. We shouldn’t use our friends, family, or loved ones as an emotional dumping ground when we are struggling to have self control.

We might be clinically obsessive, compulsive, and disordered, but we can still have self control and accountability in our relationships.

-Me

It has taken me decades to understand these things in my own friendships and relationships. Heck, I’m still learning how to be a healthy friend, especially when it comes to living with O.C.D.! But I can tell you first hand, the effort pays off and the benefits of a healthy approach to relationship with others is so rewarding. Next week I will discuss practical ways to be a healthy and supportive friend to those of us who live with O.C.D..

If you find this information to be helpful, I hope you’ll follow this blog, as well as share it with others you feel would benefit as well. I believe that productive communication is key to fostering a better environment for mental health. It starts with me. It starts with you. Let’s change misconceptions together, one conversation at a time!