health – Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

OCD And 2020

2020 has definitely proven to be a year full of unsettling events. A global pandemic, political unrest, racial divide, and violent riots. Where have you found yourself mentally throughout this year?

Despite the vast challenges of the year, 2020 has also proven to be one of the deepest soul searching years. At least for me! With far more time to myself amidst quarantine and shutdowns, I, like so many others, have been forced into God’s will of being still, and knowing who He is in my life.

This unexpected season of isolation has forced me to address questions and thoughts that for so long I was too busy, or too distracted, to address. Questions like: What are my callings? What are my passions? What are my talents? What is my vision? What hurdles do I still need to leap over? What path am I walking down, and where is it headed? What am I actually doing to positively impact my community? Thoughts like: I don’t have value. I am so far behind everyone else in life. I just don’t compare.

As we wrap up this unique year, I knew that I needed to face these questions and thoughts head on. So, last month I packed up and headed to Arizona and Utah for a 4 day get away into the beautiful mountains and canyons of the mid West. I spent 4 days surrounded by beautiful nature, soaking in (mostly) quiet moments. Nature has always managed to be a safe place for me to address my racing mind. And, because I believe the reminders and messages imprinted on my heart in that time truly do matter, I want to share my takeaways with you!

Mental Health Matters
We can only run away from our thoughts and mental distress for so long until it all catches up to us. This season of quarantine and stillness reminded me that it is so important to be in tune with my mental health. Why run from the obsessive thoughts, questions, insecurities, fears, or doubts when running only leads to more distress down the road? I am hopeful that the future me will look back at 2020 and say, “That was the year that I finally took control of my mental health and began actively putting mental health as a top priority in my life.”

There is Always Hope
I wonder if I am the only one who has taken comfort in the fact that literally the entire world is experiencing this pandemic together. I can’t remember a point in my life time where literally the entire world was shut down, and sharing one common experience that united us all. Despite the death, the pain, the uncertainty, the fear, this commonality has brought me great hope. But not just pandemic hope. This season has taught me that even in the absolute lowest and darkest of valleys, if we keep our eyes open we will see and experience something that will help shape us into better people. This is true for OCD as well. Good things can come from OCD and other hardships. We just have to open ourselves up to seeing that goodness, to feeling that hope.

We Are Not Alone
My heart breaks as I hear the rising statistics of suicide rights during this pandemic. I personally have heard of 3 suicides just in my social circle. And though I cannot speak for the deceased, I do sense a commonality of loneliness and isolation at the basis of these situations. But what I find interesting, is that even in their death, they were apart of a larger suicide community. What that has taught me, is that whatever we are struggling with, chances are that others around the world have experienced, are experiencing, or will experience similar struggles. But how will we know if we are unwilling to share our struggles openly? Which leads me to my last takeaway.

Awareness is Everything
Whether it is us as individuals being aware of our own struggles and needs, or being aware of the needs of others around us, we are our healthiest as a people when we are aware. Awareness does not just happen by itself. It only follows vulnerable openness. When we open up about our struggles and needs, not only do we become aware of resources to help or other people experiencing similar struggles and needs…but others become aware of our struggles and needs as well. Awareness has become my greatest mission through this blog and other platforms. I believe awareness holds the power to bring true healing, true unity, and true growth.

What has 2020 taught you? I can only hope all that we have learned and taken away from this year will lead us into a much healthier environment for 2021, despite any challenges that continue or arise.

OCD-Created On Purpose

You might have noticed a subtle, yet significant change on my website. But because I’m assuming most of you didn’t catch the change at all, I’ll go ahead and give you the spoiler alert: I changed the subject of this blog from “Living With OCD”, to “Created on Purpose”.

Over the last few months, I have been meditating and praying over the direction of this blog leading into 2021, especially in combination with my newly launched Youtube channel. How could I possibly discuss living with OCD in a way that relates to everyone? And then, it hit me!

The core of everything I have shared up to this point, is founded on one passionate message: Despite our brokenness, despite our limitations, despite our darkness, we were created on purpose and for a purpose. We are our best selves when we are living with purpose. I believe this with everything in me.

This change represents broadening my message to more than just individuals who live with a mental disorder like OCD. I want to speak and share in ways that anyone can relate to.

What will this look like in 2021?

1-Addressing Broader Topics.
I want to go beyond conversations about OCD and cover topics that anyone can relate to.

2-Fostering Deeper Conversations.
My hope is to tackle those questions or thoughts that most try to avoid and dance around, while still occasionally incorporating my own personal journey with OCD.

3-Creating Intentional Content.
I truly want to create a more unified platform that has a tangible direction and message.

I want to thank each of you who have supported this journey in 2020. But honestly, I feel like I am just getting started as I enter the new year with a fresh vision and more intentional content. I hope you’ll continue to follow me into these new and deeper discussions. I can only do so much in this world. But together? Man, we can literally change the world around us.

Will you join me?

OCD Awareness Week

Can you imagine going 17 years through life, not knowing why you struggle with your struggles with certain things that others don’t struggle with?

The term “OCD” was loosely thrown around at me in counseling during college, as a potential cause of what I was miserably enduring for many years. Other terms that I heard growing up to describe my challenges were, “learning disorder”, “anxiety”, “depression”, “eating disorder”, “gay”, “too picky”, “overwhelming”, “too critical”, and others I’m sure.

Can you imagine being told these things, while knowing in your heart something just wasn’t right?

I knew I didn’t have a learning disorder. I was a fantastic student and graduated from nursing school with great grades!

I knew I didn’t have chronic anxiety or depression. At my core I was passionate, productive, social and full of joy.

I knew I didn’t have an eating disorder. I loved food, enjoyed being healthy, and wasn’t trying to lose weight.

I knew I wasn’t gay. But I couldn’t understand my irrational fears, obsessive and intrusive thoughts, or my obsession over fear of the body when thinking about intimacy.

I knew I wasn’t intentionally being stubborn or picky about the things I was afraid of or uncomfortable with like textures, colors, patterns, or sounds.

I knew that I was overwhelming, but I didn’t want to be.

I knew that I was over critical, but I didn’t enjoy it nor did I want to be.

17 years is a LONG time to wrestle with these challenges. 17 years is a LONG time to feel so misunderstood. 17 years is a LONG time to not have an explanation for what you are struggling with. 17 years is a LONG time to feel isolated.

My opinion, is that this gap–the time it takes a person to be properly diagnosed and treated for OCD–is one of the greatest causes of suicide rates within the OCD community. As mentioned before, we are 10 times more likely to commit suicide than those who do not suffer from this disorder. When was the turning point in my own journey? The moment I learned that my struggles had a name, an explanation, and a treatment plan! That moment was the moment suicide stopped being a continual thought, and HOPE began to fuel every day.

I am still on my healing journey. And honestly, I probably always will be this side of heaven. But I believe that the more I (we) communicate openly about these things, raise awareness, and shorten this gap in the OCD community, the more momentum, power, and HOPE will be injected into our community.

Help me spread this message by following and sharing my social media platforms.

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Announcement!!

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Did you know that the 2nd week of October is O.C.D. awareness week? Did you know that my birthday kicks off the beginning of that week? Did you know that I have O.C.D.? Ok, too far….of course you did! That’s been the topic of this entire blog site.

To support the O.C.D. community, and others who struggle with mental health balance, I will be posting personalized videos throughout the month of October. These videos will be vulnerable in an effort to help those still living isolated from their disorder, step into the light of healthy communication.

For more information on special events, community awareness walks, and virtual education, check out the O.C.D. awareness week website here.

I hope you’ll help me in spreading the word, showing support, and raising awareness for this amazing cause. I truly believe that together we can drastically help reduce suicide cases that are related to mental disorders like O.C.D.. It starts with me. It starts with you.

Will you join me in this fight for mental health?

Check these out:
O.C.D. Week Calendar
Virtual Walk-a-Thon
Virtual Seminars
Make a Donation

Romance and O.C.D. Part 5

When I was in the 8^th grade, I had a skating accident that resulted in a broken pelvis, a broken tailbone, and two broken lower vertebrae.

The unfortunate part, besides having 4 broken bones that is, is that only my broken pelvis and tailbone were initially addressed. It wasn’t until much later that I learned I had actually broken my lower back in the fall as well. So, here I am, a couple of decades later, still suffering with back issues because my initial treatment plan was not appropriate for the type of breaks that went undetected in the E.R..

The daunting task of providing healing advice to all those affected by pornography, must first start with a crucial acknowledgement. That is, the exposure to and effects of pornography are different for each of us, as discussed in my previous post here. Some have fresh wounds, some have unhealed older wounds, some have unaddressed scars that have left long-term effects, and some have re-occurring wounds that are deeply infected and need proper attention. Just as my improper initial treatment plan actually caused more damage to me in the long run, we too are at risk of insufficient healing if we don’t first assess the damage done from pornography.

In lieu of my last post, I want to offer a few practical pieces of advice and words of encouragement for each type of “wound”, if you will. I believe the “treatment plan” should look different, based on what type of damage is present.

Those Who Intentionally Seek Out Pornography
Your treatment plan starts by looking beyond the surface. Though it might be tempting to believe you can just quit this habit or addiction cold-turkey, I urge you to reconsider the long-term effects if not properly addressed. As my last post discussed, I believe that there are four main underlying reasons a person seeks out pornography:

1- Loneliness.
2- Lack of self-control, misplaced lustful desire.
3- Feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction from your partner.
4- A desire to learn about other types of experiences.

It is so important that you dig deep in your thought process, your emotions, and your core beliefs about others, yourself, and God (if you’re a believer). You must ask the tough questions like, “Why do I feel alone?”, “Why am I obsessed with this?”, “Is this truly healthy for me?”, “How will this affect my future marriage and relationships?”, “Why am I feeling so insecure or incapable?”. What I’ve learned, is that we often need help, whether professionally or communally, to understand these deeper parts of us mentally and emotionally. So, your treatment plan?

Confession. Seek out a counselor. Open up to someone of the same gender about your concerns and struggles. Bring your darkness to light and watch what happens!

Safe Guards. Chances are, you won’t have the strength initially to stop cold-turkey. There are great tools like Covenant Eyes and VidAngel, that can help keep you accountable.

Renew Your Mind. A wise man once suggested that the best, and possibly the only way, to renew our mind from darkness, is to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. He suggested, or more like guaranteed, if you take your mind captive, and re-direct your thoughts upon these things, you will not fall! (Philippians 4:8-9).

Those Who Are Involved in the Making of Pornography
Your treatment plan starts with re-valuing yourself. I have talked to several women who were intentionally, or unintentionally, a part of pornographic video/image making. Their reasons varied. I would imagine your reasons varies as well. Maybe you desperately need(ed) the income and don’t (didn’t) believe there’s any other way. Maybe you have (had) been misused by men/women your whole life, and this truly is (was) all you know. Maybe you have been (were) forced into this life by manipulation, abuse, or fear. Maybe you started out in the industry oblivious to the affects it would have on you emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. So, your treatment plan?

Consider the Impact. Our natural human tendency is to focus on the right here, right now. We make decisions based off of the immediate results. But in this case, I encourage you to consider what this life style will do to your overall health long-term. Not to mention the impact of future relationships, marriage, raising children with a healthy self-image and healthy image of intimacy/relationships. Have you stopped to truly consider how your conduct could be aiding in so much darkness like child sex trafficking, infidelity, STDs, AIDs, and so much more?

Consider Your Worth. My friend, has anyone told you that you were created on purpose, and for a purpose? The God I serve can use you in powerful ways to reach the hurting, and comfort the confused. Invite Him in. He won’t misuse you, abuse you, or devalue you. Surround yourself with people who love you for you, not your body or what you have to offer sexually. You…deserve…authentic love and relationship!

Consider Your Dreams. I would be surprised if your long-term dream is to retire in the porn industry, serving this darkness your whole life. What are your dreams? What imprint do you hope to leave on the world? Messages like, “Your worth depends on your sexual talent and ability”, or “You’re only enough if you can provide these things in bed”, etc? Tell me you believe in yourself and your ability more than to leave these messages imprinted on the generations after you? Consider another way! Consider another job, another relationship, another community, another perspective. Consider that your dreams are actually possible without this path.

Those Who Did Not Invite Pornography In
Your treatment plan starts by rebuilding trust. As I mentioned previously in my last post, I was exposed to pornography by accident, due to the cultural shift we experienced in my middle school years. Images and videos would take over our screens without warning, spam email would come to our inbox with misleading titles, etc. And because of my O.C.D., the images and videos wreaked havoc in my ability to process relationships, intimacy, and especially thoughts about men. For the majority of my life, I have been driven by irrational and overwhelming fear, crippled with insecurity, distrust, and even disgust. All related to what I witnessed as a child. So, our treatment plan?

Get Help. Of course I encourage confiding in a trusted, healthy friend or family member about these lasting effects, but I can’t recommend a trusted professional counselor enough. In fact, I used my Employee Assistance Program through work, to locate a faith based counselor that specializes in this very thing!

Seek Healthy Environments. How do your friends view sex, intimacy, and marriage? Chances are, if you’re surrounded by other unhealthy relationships and viewpoints, your thought process will continue to leak toxic patterns. Seek out a healthy marriage, and ask for a mentorship or counsel. Pursue platonic friendships with whatever gender you are uncomfortable with and distrusting of. This will help you regain trust where trust has been shattered.

Stop Being the Victim. Are you in immediate danger? If so, then please get professional help! If not, then how long are you going to allow those images from the past to control, dictate, and abuse your thought process and relationships? Aren’t you exhausted from the daily battle, the daily fear, and the daily distrust? I know I am.

Find Peace. Ok, this is hard. REALLY HARD. But maybe, just maybe, you need to come to terms with being at peace as a celibate, single individual. Or maybe you need to face the fact that healthy intimacy, God approved intimacy, does in fact exist, and you need help to reach the point of accepting that type of relationship in your life. Whatever path you choose, you were designed to live in internal peace, despite external chaos.
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I want to link multiple resources for you all, that have tremendously helped me. I can only hope and pray that these resources will bring healing, awareness, clarity, and peace to your hurting heart and warped thought processes. You are not alone. You are capable of rewiring your thoughts, and transforming your behaviors.

RESOURCES
Get Out of Your Head
Covenant Eyes
VidAngel
Kevin Carson blog on intimacy, sexual desire, and marriage
Incredible series on unhealthy/healthy romance
Romans 12:2
Colossians 3:2
2 Corinthians 10:4
Galatians 5:13-18
Ephesians 1: 1-13

Romance and O.C.D. Part 3

Naturally I have inherited quite a few traits from my mother.

We both love crafting. We both are perfectionists who love to clean. We both explosively sneeze. We both have tiny noses that barely keep our sunglasses on our faces. And we both have a gap in our top front teeth. But there is one trait of my mother’s that I most definitely did NOT inherit—the fearless love of riding huge roller coasters.

I’ll never forget when the Titan opened at Six Flags over Texas in 2001 while I was in middle school. There was so much hype and publicity about this roller coaster, with its 255 foot drop that would send you plummeting down at 85 miles per hour.

I decided to take one of my best friends with our family to check out this beast. Up to that point, I had only heard stories and facts about this new coaster. And I was so ready for it! The whole ride to the amusement park I spoke boldness and excitement about conquering this feat! Of course I felt a few nerves, but mostly just excitement.

Until we pulled in the parking lot next to the new ride, that is. As we stepped out of the car and looked up at the towering hill, and the steep plummeting drop, I begin trembling in fear. All of a sudden, every ounce of excitement and confidence in me was replaced with terror and a desire to run away. As we got closer and closer to the front of the line, the “clink, clink, clink” sound of the roller coaster climbing the massive and steep hill, followed by screaming victims, became too much for me! It felt like a horror movie! And I just couldn’t take the overwhelming fear.

So what did I do? I chickened out and peaced out, leaving my friend solo! And guess who stepped in to save the day? My mom! Not only did she get on that ride with my friend, but also road first cart, hands in the air, and conquered that beast like it was nothing! Hearing their excitement as they returned from the ride did not seem fair! How were they not paralyzed in fear like I was? I mean they saw the same site, they heard the same sounds, yet they went for it! It just did not seem fair.

Oh how this experience perfectly relates to approaching the topic of sex while living with O.C.D.. As mentioned in my two previous posts, the effects of accessible porn that were blasted at my generation as children have had major negative impacts on us in different ways. But for someone like me, who lives with a mental disorder that traps images on repeat in the mind, creates irrational and obsessive fears/thoughts? Well, it’s much like the experience of the roller coaster. Let me break down the process to help those who do not have O.C.D. understand the impact this has had.

Phase 1: The Blissful Excitement of the Unknown
Remember how excited, courageous, and confident I was to ride the new roller coaster, after hearing about how adventurous and fun it was? Well, when I first heard about dating, kissing, marriage, and intimacy, I was pretty excited and curious. In my innocence of the unknown, I was blissfully willing to approach this area of life. And I was boy, CRAZY! I loved having “boyfriends”. I loved kissing those cute faces (sorry mom!). And I loved holding hands during the couples skating songs at the skating rink.

Phase 2: The Shock Factor
The moment I stood at the bottom of the Titan in person, seeing it’s intimidating appearance towering over me, was equivalent to the moment that intense pornographic videos popped up on my screen as a child. All of that excitement, confidence, and adventurous spirit I had towards boys, dating, and one day marriage/intimacy, was replaced and gripped with overwhelming fear and refusal to participate. Images of such corrupt videos (if I knew I didn’t have young readers, I would explain), and disturbing images seared in my mind. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I became so overtaken by fear.

Phase 3: Getting Out of the Line
The older I got, and the closer I became to the age of marriage and idea of intimacy, the more overwhelmed I became. Further destructive experiences entered my life: Boys trying to take advantage of me, or flat out dumping me harshly when I would strive to remain pure, seeing men of faith get sucked into the trap and ruin their marriages with porn addictions and affairs, hearing stories of my friends being raped or mishandled, hearing Godly married friends discuss their struggling sex life and frustrations with their husbands/wives, etc. All of it was like the horrific sound of the “clink, clink, clink” of the roller coaster climbing the hill. So what did I do? I bailed. I got out of line. I decided in my heart that marriage and intimacy just weren’t for me.

Phase 4: Stuck in Isolation
despite the fact that so many in my generation were also impacted by pornography and negative sexual experiences, they continued in the line towards marriage and intimacy. There I was, left behind, unwilling to participate in it all, watching them conquer the challenges while running to me after in pure excitement and joy. How? They saw the same disturbing images and videos as me! They went through far more negative experiences personally, than I’d ever been through. Yet they were able to move forward and find the enjoyment in the intended experience of dating, marriage, and intimacy despite the challenges.

But not me. I remained stuck out of the line, looking on from a distance in loneliness, confusion, fear, and frustration. Were they not nervous? Were they not scarred? Were they not afraid? Were they not fed up and overwhelmed? And if so, how could they possibly move forward? So I just kept quiet, alone, and afraid. With so many images trapped on repeat, stories replaying in my head, and obsessive, irrational fear controlling all parts of me.

I don’t know about you, but I do not want the journey to end with any of us stuck in Phase 4. No one deserves to be trapped in misery, loneliness, or a mind overtaken by fear and irrational/toxic thinking. I hope you’ll join me next week as I discuss what healing looks like for those of us who have found ourselves deeply affected by the shift we have experienced in our culture.
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“Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
Romans 12:2
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