diyrvrenovation – Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

OCD and My Tiny Life

Happy New Year! It has been a minute since I have updated this blog. That is because so much has happened since last year already. Including the fact that I went TINY!

That’s right! I am officially a tiny home owner and enjoying every minute of my Tiny Life. In just a month’s time, I moved out of a 700 square foot luxury apartment into a small 8 foot by 30 foot loft camper that needed a total renovation. The craziest part (because no, that part wasn’t the crazy part!) ?! I had absolutely no idea how to renovate OR live in an RV. Talk about a whirlwind!

I literally self taught on youtube, or reached out to more knowledgeable friends for advice. And, as you can imagine, this leap has come with quite a few OCD challenges to say the least. I want to be open and honest on what this process has done to and for my OCD, in hopes that it will encourage others with OCD to step out in faith despite the challenges that will come with that leap!

Change on Change
It’s no shock that changes, especially major changes like uprooting your whole way of living, can have a direct impact on mental disorders like OCD. Routine is everything for me, as it helps keep my obsessions, compulsions, and disorder under better management. So, what has this major life change done!? Well, quite frankly it ripped out the comfort rug right from under my feet and left me flat on my back! Surprisingly, that hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing! Stressful? Sure. Inconvenient? Sure. Challenging? YES! But it has revealed what truly triggers my OCD, which better helps me understand the root of it all. At one point in life, change was crippling for me. But after proper therapy, medication, and a much deeper understanding of how my disordered mind works, I am facing the changes head on and even finding joy in them.

New Environment > New Irrational Fears
Let me just be super duper clear with you on what it’s like to live with OCD.

During the renovation process in the last month, I was exposed to quite a few of my irrational fears like sharp objects, contamination, and creepy crawly insects. For the non OCD mind, it would be expected and normal to be on the cautious side of all three of these encounters. But for the OCD mind? Well, here’s what it looked like:

I have always had a weird fear of being cut by sharp objects. So much so that when around sharp objects such as power tools, my mind begins to obsessively imagine my limbs being cut off to the point that I can almost tangibly feel the pain as if it were happening in reality. So, while renovated the RV, my dad needed my constant help in holding wood and flooring while he cut the materials with his power tools. At one point I got so close to passing out that I had to completely jump away from the power tool, causing him to mess up on the cut.

This is the exact experience that happens with the idea of contamination and creepy crawling insects as well. So when we found mold growing where previous leaks were located, and then found a large amount of (thankfully dead) ants inside of the wall…my…mind…went..BONKERS! I would stay up all night in my parents guest bedroom envisioning thousands of insects crawling out of the seems in my RV, and the mold growing all around and silently killing me. I could envision it as if it were really happening.

That, my friends, is OCD at its finest. At first, I was slightly compulsive as I would treat the mold multiple times a day (not safe for me to be around but did it anyway!) instead of once or twice over all. I would constantly peel back too much of perfectly fine walls and floors because I was convinced that I would find more insects. You get the point.

THE GOOD NEWS?!
I quickly realized that I was spiraling and losing management of my OCD’s response to irrational fears and vivid images. With a few of my therapy coping strategies, talking out my fears, I reassured myself by reviewing the safety guidelines on the sharp tools, taking pictures each day of the mold to remind myself it was resolving, and having occasional reminders by my dad to “stop cutting the good wall and floor away”.

I recognized my OCD was in charge.
I took action to change from the co-pilot seat to the pilot seat.
I put my irrational fears in check with reality.

The result? Well, I’m still working on it. But I am officially sleeping in my RV comfortably, am so pleased with the progress of renovation, and feel much more safe and comfortable in my surroundings.

2020 for me was a year of self discovery. And though I am definitely still on that journey, 2021 represents exposing myself to more irrational fears, and allowing my mind the chance to fight back!

If anything in this blog or on this site seems helpful to you , or you think it could benefit someone you know, please follow along and share! I believe that together we can foster a much safer, more normalized, and healthier conversation around mental health.

OCD And RV Renovation

Here’s the deal y’all. With OCD, it is incredibly difficult for me to leave things unfinished. I obsess over a project until it’s finished even if I don’t get sleep until it’s done!

So, as you can imagine, the process of renovating an 11 year old RV with limited to no knowledge, is literally jumping into all kinds of exposure for my OCD. I am having to learn to adjust on the fly, accept some things (MANY things) will not be perfect even after renovation, and am having to process the fact that unexpected dilemmas will pop up along the way.

Part of the reason I avoided taking this leap of tiny house renovation for so many years, was largely due to my irrational OCD fears of the entire process. And though I still am having to daily prep myself mentally and emotional for all of these changes and unknowns and challenges, half a year into my medication and cognitive OCD therapy is making a huge difference.

This will not be an easy process. But, part of the reason I am vlogging from start to finish and sharing with you all, is because being in front of a camera helps me go into entertainment mode and that helps redirect my spinning OCD irrational fears and anxieties into something more positive, creative, and dare I say…..fun!!

Enjoy my newest video where I attempt to take out some of the original cabinets in the RV. Subscribe to my channel and follow my blog so that you don’t miss out on this adventure! It’s sure to be entertaining at the least.

OCD and an RV?

What have I gotten myself into?

I have lost count of how many times I have asked myself this question over the last 5 days. It all started with a bold prayer that I wasn’t even quite ready to see in action. “Lord, I want to circle my student loan debt, my desire to adopt a child, and my passion for local and global mission efforts.”

When people say “Be careful what you pray for!”, they must be speaking from experience!

A few hours after this prayer, my Spirit began churning to the point I could not ignore the restlessness in me. Everything I laid at His feet were areas in my life that I could change, improve, and/or surrender. I began thinking about the areas of my life that seem to be so limited by OCD: intimacy/marriage, finances, and connectedness.

The idea of living in a renovated camper had entered my mind many times in the past. But due to my irrational fears, unmanaged OCD, and strict routines inside of my own home, the idea of selling nearly all of my things and living in a small RV just didn’t seem possible. But 7 months into managed OCD, the idea not only felt possible, but it began to feel like the first steps towards achieving the dreams I had laid out before God.

The next day I applied for and was accepted for a small RV loan. Within 24 hours of the loan approval, my dream RV model popped up for sale under budget in the town next to me on Facebook Market. Within 24 hours of seeing that ad pop up, I drove off the parking lot with the RV towing behind my dad’s truck.

What…a…WHIRL WIND. My mind is STILL spinning. Did I REALLY just commit to living in a tiny home that can’t even furnish 2/3 of my belongings? Did I REALLY just commit to breaking my apartment lease without a for sure place to even park the RV? Did I REALLY just commit to an entire life style and environmental change? What have I gotten myself into?!

But the answer is simple, and can be dwindled down to three words: Freedom. Adoption. Connection.

You see, OCD has stripped so much freedom, so much love, and so much connection from me. OCD has deeply affected my finances, my ability to enter a marriage relationship, and even my ability to feel connected to my surroundings. And for longer than I’d like to admit, these limitations controlled my life decisions, and owned my thoughts. But these three words have become my anthem. This anthem will soon begin to unfold as I make this huge change to RV living. Let me explain.

FREEDOM
Having graduated from a small private christian university, my student loans cost more each month than a typical house mortgage. And given the average apartment rent for a studio to one bedroom apartment is minimum $1000/month in my area, the odds of quickly getting out of debt are slim to none. UNLESS…my life style and my environment change drastically. Even the thought of being debt free and experiencing financial freedom inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all.

ADOPTION
For years I have questioned if I am capable of being healthy in a marriage due to my OCD and how it impacts my ability to process physical intimacy. For years this uncertainty heaped up loads of anxiety, insecurity, and loneliness. UNTIL…God put on my heart the calling of adoption. My life matters. My love matters. My attention and affection matter. And to some sweet child out there, it will be their whole world pieced together to receive these things that I am able to offer someone. Knowing that RV living can help me move into a financially stable place to adopt, inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all.

CONNECTION
I feel most connected to creation and humanity when I am participating in local and global relief efforts. Traveling and experiencing different cultures as well as nature, by far is when my mind is most at peace and connected to my surroundings. Connecting to my surroundings can be challenging because of the affects OCD has on my mind. So any and every chance I get to connect to my surroundings, I take it! The concept of having a home on wheels that can roam the country with me, and move throughout life as I do, connecting to my surroundings, well..it just about brings me to tears! And inspires me to jump into this change. OCD and all!

OCD might limit me from certain experiences in this life. But I no longer give it permission to control every aspect of my life. OCD cannot have my joy, my peace, my relationships, my purpose, or my dreams. So yes…I choose an RV life, despite OCD.

To follow my RV Life adventures, subscribe to my youtube channel ! You won’t want to miss the entertainment that comes with an OCD individual transitioning to RV living. I assure you.