christianfriendship – Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

Being a Healthy Friend Despite O.C.D.

Have you ever seen the movie Pitch Perfect? One of my favorite scenes in the movie, is when Chloe starts to blame everything on her “nodes”. At one point she messes up a singing part, and as she attempts to explain why, Fat Amy interrupts and says, “We KNOW, we KNOW! It’s your nodes!”

Living with a clinical condition like O.C.D. can tempt a person to blame every mistake and unhealthy behavior on the clinical condition itself. But let me be clear, though we may not be able to control having a clinical condition, we do have control over how it manifests in us at times. We shouldn’t be the Chloe of a friendship, and blame poor effort on our condition. Our friends, family, and loved ones deserve better. They are not our punching bags left to take the hits of our obsessive, compulsive, and disordered behaviors.

I believe that putting the following steps into action within our relationships, will lead those of us with O.C.D. towards being healthier friends, family members, and loved ones for those who walk beside us in our struggles.

Seek Wise Counsel
I cannot recommend professional and/or sound counsel enough. Whether through a licensed counseling office, or a trusted mentor, having an unbiased outside party to share our O.C.D. struggles with, is crucial. These conversations allow us to not only communicate our struggles in detail, but also to receive advice, discipline, perspective, and understanding regarding our behaviors and concerns as they relate to O.C.D.. Counseling may or may not lead to further intervention like medication, or cognitive/behavioral therapy. These tools for me personally have made all the difference when it comes to what type of friend I am to others despite having O.C.D..

Communicate Clearly
One of the most effective steps I’ve taken in my own relationships, is that of communicating openly about my O.C.D. triggers, the effects they have on me, and when I am experiencing a spiral. This clear communication helps those I love not only understand what I’m going through internally or externally, but also provides better understanding to what I need in those moments. Healthy communication can literally be the difference between lashing out or treating our loved ones poorly because of what we are internalizing, and receiving loving support to help us make healthy choices and demonstrate healthy behaviors. This action has also, at times, allowed my friends or family members to call out my unhealthy behaviors like obsessive communication, neediness, etc, while going deeper and asking how I am doing with O.C.D.. Building a community who truly understands what you are enduring internally or externally, is the quickest way to promote healthy balance in relationships.

Set Boundaries
This is possibly the most difficult step. At least for me. I have a tendency to expend myself for others, even to the point of self destruction. But what I’ve learned, is that in doing that, I end up hurting others in the long run because of what I suffer through internally and how that manifests in my relationships over time. There are times in a friendship and relationship, that because of O.C.D., we must advocate for ourselves and set boundaries. Boundaries sound like this:

“Hey, I really want you to feel heard, and I will do my best to support you however I am able, but I cannot talk about this particular subject as it’s a trigger topic for my O.C.D..”
“I don’t want to be a party pooper, but this movie is going to have major impacts on my O.C.D. later on, can we watch something else?”
“I think we should have this conversation in person, and really soon. I feel tempted to obsess over this until I feel it’s resolved, and I don’t think texting will show our true tone of voice or care for one another. I don’t want to say things I don’t mean. And I also will have trouble feeling at peace until this is resolved or talked about.”
“I wish I could stay up with y’all, but night time and a lack of sleep really effects my ability to manage my O.C.D., so I’m going to have to head to bed.”

It may feel awkward, excessive, and even a bit cold at times. But I promise you setting boundaries like these will make a world of difference in the type of friend you are able to be for others around you.

Own Up to Unhealthy Behaviors
Let’s face it. There will be times when O.C.D. gets the best of us. If you’re like me, living with O.C.D. is like running a mental and behavioral marathon every…single…day. And though I strive to be healthy, self controlled, and productive each day, there are days when I fail miserably. And just like any off days that we are all prone to having, there will be times when we need to own up to our poor decisions, words, and behaviors. This might look like,

“I want to apologize for how detached I was earlier. I was feeling ____ because of my O.C.D.. I should have communicated that and been more present in the moment, and I’m sorry. I just wasn’t processing my thoughts or fears well and I let it affect our time together.”
“You were so patient with me earlier when I was struggling to process what was happening. I know walking beside me is not always easy and I just wanted to acknowledge your effort.”
“I am sorry that I have been extra obsessive lately. I’m not sure if I’m just needing more reassurance than usual, or if I’m trying to process thoughts and fears. Either way, I will try to have better boundaries so I’m not exhaustive for you.”

It’s okay to have certain needs and expectations. BUT, we must learn to balance these to prevent unhealthy needy, obsessive, or controlling behaviors. We shouldn’t use our friends, family, or loved ones as an emotional dumping ground when we are struggling to have self control.

We might be clinically obsessive, compulsive, and disordered, but we can still have self control and accountability in our relationships.
-Me

It has taken me decades to understand these things in my own friendships and relationships. Heck, I’m still learning how to be a healthy friend, especially when it comes to living with O.C.D.! But I can tell you first hand, the effort pays off and the benefits of a healthy approach to relationship with others is so rewarding. Next week I will discuss practical ways to be a healthy and supportive friend to those of us who live with O.C.D..

If you find this information to be helpful, I hope you’ll follow this blog, as well as share it with others you feel would benefit as well. I believe that productive communication is key to fostering a better environment for mental health. It starts with me. It starts with you. Let’s change misconceptions together, one conversation at a time!

Friendship and O.C.D. Part 2

When I was in college I loved to attend the basketball games every week. It was pure entertainment! And I’m not even talking about the game!

Without fail, every home game a group of 3-4 older women (probably in their late 70s), would all sit together at the top of the bleachers. They would be fully decked out in college apparel supporting their home team, sometimes even matching. They would bring pom poms and signs and cheer in unison through out the game.

Those women were besties for the resties. If the story was right, they had been besties since college and tried to never miss a home game. I remember looking at them every time, and thinking, “Man, now THAT is friend goals!” I always wondered what stories they had, what trials their friendships had endured, and what victories they had celebrated for one another.

Life long friendship is one of the most fascinating relationships to me.

In a marriage, two people are bound for life by a spiritual covenant oath before God. Even when the marriage is hanging on by a thread, often one or both partners will return to their vows to renew their promises to each-other. They are sealed as one before God Himself.

In a biological parenting relationship, you are bound by life through DNA, even if physical presence does not exist. Through an adoptive relationship, a parent becomes bound to the child through a legal document.

But an intimate, life long friendship? These relationships are bound by pure choice. No DNA, no legal document, no divine covenant oath. Simply choice.

I believe each type of relationship we experience in this life comes with unique and divine blessings. One is not better than the other, nor is one worse than the other. All of these relationships are gifts.

But when it comes to discussing the challenges of friendship, it feels important to acknowledge that out of all the relationships we encounter here, long-term friendship is just about the only one that is held together purely by a choice.

What If They Don’t Choose Me?
When living with O.C.D., or any personal struggle for that matter, it’s tempting to assume that no one would willingly choose to form intimate community and friendship with someone like us. Right?

We get so in our heads analyzing ourselves through the other person’s eyes, before even given them an opportunity to choose friendship with us. We completely forget about the fact that they will most likely have their own struggles and burdens for us to help carry as well.

Quite frankly, there will be individuals in your life who are not fit to help carry your burdens. Know that as you pursue deep, and life-long friendship. Some individuals might be too toxic, tempting to pull you further away from mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Maybe YOU are too “toxic” for them with your specific set of struggles. Maybe they’ve had traumas or experiences in their life that will be triggered by your specific struggles. Or maybe, they’ll be so self centered that they won’t know how to truly support you through your valleys.

The truth is, we should not isolate ourselves from the beauty and blessing of life-long friendship simply because many will not be the right fit. Intimate community is not meant to be shared with our entire acquaintance/friend circle. We must trust, that the few souls who enter our inner circle of intimate life-long friendship, are the ones that have proven to be a healthy fit for us, and us for them.

What If They Do Choose Me?
It’s only natural to feel anxious about how a friend will respond to our vulnerable confessions, our deepest struggles, and our greatest needs. Sometimes the fear of someone choosing us as a friend can feel greater than the fear of being rejected by a friend.

What’s important to remember with this insecurity, is that no one wants a fake or superficial relationship within their small, intimate community circle. At least not long-term. The key is to find the balance between vulnerability and service. We must avoid being a “consumer” friend through our openness and needs. What I mean is, we can’t just choose one person who is willing to be our bestie for the restie, and dump all of our baggage onto them at once. That’s intense. And kind of unfair to that person. Sure they may stick around for the long haul, but are you being a healthy friend to them?

A true community will stick around. But even more than that, they will help you learn the balance of the sharing of each others burdens in a respectful, healthy, and feasible manner. Open up as you go, while also allowing them the opportunity to open up as well. Don’t make the focal point about you and your struggles during every hang out or every conversation. That’s exhausting.

Find a healthy pace of vulnerability and honesty, couple that with the ability to be there for their burdens as well, and you’ll be so thankful that they did choose you! Your fear of them sticking around will blossom into a thankfulness that you don’t have to live life without them anymore!

“Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy”
Proverbs 27:6

For the next couple of weeks, I want to look more specifically at the challenges that come with being a healthy, balanced friend while living with O.C.D., as well as how to be a healthy, balanced friend for someone who does live with O.C.D.. As the scripture above implies, true sincere friendship, at times, will involve hard conversations that require commitment and adjustment. But that type of long-term community is far sweeter and more beneficial than a hundred superficial, fake friendships that don’t have your overall interest at heart.

Friendship and O.C.D. Part 1

In the 1992 Olympic 400m race, Olympic runner Derek Redmond experienced a major injury right in the middle of his race. With a snapped hamstring, and no hope of winning 1st place, or even placing for that matter, his main determination became to at least finish the race.

As you watch the video of him hobbling towards the finish line, so far behind everyone who had already finished the race, you can see the pain on his face. But just when he thought he had to endure the painful finish alone, his dad burst onto the track-breaking all the rules-to help carry his son the remainder of the way.

There are three things that strike me in this video.

The first? How Derek tries with all his might to stay strong, as he limps in pain toward the finish line, yet the moment he turns to see his father wrapping around him, he breaks down and begins sobbing. It wasn’t until he felt that support from someone he knew truly loved him, that he felt comfortable enough to release all the emotional and physical pain that he was trying so hard to push through alone.

The second? How Derek’s father broke every rule in order to reach his son. The Olympic security tried to get him off the track, but he was relentless. He knew his son would reach the finish line one way or the other. But he refused to watch his son suffer alone, even if it meant breaking the rules to walk alongside of Derek and carry some of the burden for him.

The third? How not one single runner seemed to care about his injury. I mean, I guess I get it. They trained for four years for that one moment. Stopping to help Derek would be a huge inconvenience, possibly detour them if not derail them from their mission, as well as put their wants completely to the side.

I can’t help but relate each of these to the process of finding true, intimate community while living with a disorder like O.C.D.. For so many years, decades actually, I tried with all of my own strength to run through the pain. I watched as so many people who I thought were running beside me, continued on their way, seemingly clueless of the pain I was in. But then, true community began to surround me. And the moment I felt their presence, I released the weight that for so long I suffered through alone.

The truth is, we were not created to walk through life, especially through hardship, alone. God Himself has intimate community with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. How much more so do we, people of the flesh, need community to thrive?

“Woe to him who is alone when he falls”
Ecclesiastes 4:10

Though it is tough to admit, there have been points in my life when I experienced such intense depression and anxiety because of my O.C.D., that taking my own life did become a temptation. Especially when placed on medication that ended up harming my mental state even further.

Through that experience, I am blown away and heart broken at how easily we can convince ourselves that we truly are alone in times of distress. “No one will understand.” “No one has time for me.” “No one cares enough about me.” “I couldn’t possibly trust anyone with this.” “No one can help me.” We feed ourselves with these lies, convincing ourselves that there is no safe place for us to turn…that we must endure alone.

But what fascinates me, is that the one thing we try to avoid most, is the very tool God provides for us to get unstuck from that mental spiral. That one thing?

Healthy Community.

When true community entered my life, willing to break all the rules in order to wrap around me, I knew that I was going to finish the race I started. In my experience, the difference between a solid, healthy community and a life of isolated loneliness, can literally be a matter of life or death. Which is why I am so passionate about discussing this topic of friendship, especially in regards to living with a mental disorder like O.C.D..

For the next several weeks, I want to dive deep into community. Why do we tend to run from it? What does it take to be a healthy friend to others, especially while living with a disorder like O.C.D..? How can we become healthy friends to those who are in seasons of mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual distress?

I look forward to these discussions with you, as friendship and community truly are passion topics of mine. And soon, I hope they will be for you too!