Tag: bestfriends

How To Be A Supportive Friend To Someone With O.C.D.

pigletPhoto by Elle Hughes on Pexels.com

Winnie the Pooh. Have you heard of this little guy and his little forest full of friends? Certainly so!

While raising my three brothers and I, my mother was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. How obsessed, you ask? My oldest brother was named Christopher, after Christopher Robin. In fact, the only reason his middle name is not Robin, is because my dad said that was too far! My mom has a thick, whimsical story book full of Winnie the Pooh stories by her bedside. And when I stay in New York each summer for work, she goes bananas when I Facetime her while standing next to the original Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals located at the New York public library.The woman is obsessed, I tell you!

And honestly, I can’t blame her. Not only are the characters so lovable and cute, but some of the wisest quotes on friendship have stemmed from this beloved little bear and his forest friends. In fact, I believe a few of these quotes go perfectly with our discussion this week: How to be a supportive friend to someone with O.C.D.. Fewer friendships are sweeter, or more loyal than the friendship between all of these little friends, (despite Pooh’s honey obsession, Piglet’s compulsive stutter, and Rabbit’s disordered self…see what I did there!).

So, if you’re the person who has grown to love someone with O.C.D., whether it be a child, a spouse, a family member, or a friend, take note! These next pieces of advice could just be the very things that grow you into the sweetest and most loyal friend. Not to mention, we tend to attract the type of friendships that we offer to others. So don’t worry, you’ll get a return on the investment!

“I don’t feel very much like Pooh today”, said Pooh.
“There, there,” said Piglet. “I’ll bring you tea and honey until you do!”

Winnie the Pooh

Show Patience
One of the most challenging and heart breaking aspects of seeing someone we love struggle through O.C.D., is how detached they can become when in a mental/physical spiral. This detachment can manifest in many ways, such as a lack of interest in normal passions, an inability to engage during activities or conversations, or even the inability to cope through day to day routines. Take courage, and be patient! Your friend and loved one is in there somewhere, beneath the spiral of O.C.D., and the dark cloud of depression and/or anxiety stemming from the O.C.D.. There will be times and seasons when you have to be the Piglet of the friendship. This season might require providing extra reassurance to your loved one that A-You’re right there with them, B-They WILL climb back out of the spiral and return to their healthy self again, and C-That they DO have things in life they enjoy, and those things are worth working to regain.

“How do you spell love?” -Piglet.
“You don’t spell it, you feel it!” -Pooh.

Winnie the Pooh

Show Love
When your loved one is walking through the hard seasons of O.C.D., chances are, they are going to feel isolated, exhausted, and invisible. Dealing with intrusive, obsessive thoughts and fears, while trying to combat compulsions, is truly a marathon. Every day becomes a battle. Your loved one will most likely have feelings and thoughts centered around, “No one understands what I’m going through”, “I just don’t want to be a burden any more”, “I don’t think I can do this alone”, “No one truly sees my pain”, “Why can’t I just be like everyone else”. The challenge with these unhealthy perceptions, is that the individual may not ever speak up for themselves, or spell out their needs for you. But that’s just it, sometimes loving someone means seeing the needs they just aren’t capable of spelling out. This might look like A- “Hey, I haven’t heard from you in a while, I’m going to come sit with you this evening. I’m here to listen, or just be near you”, B-Ask them specific questions like, “What are you most anxious about or afraid of right now?”, “What is one thing that would help distract you, calm you, or re-channel this mental energy? I would like to do that thing with you/for you”, or C- Ask what they need, but also be very prepared for them to not know. Just like Piglet knew his friend Pooh loved tea, honey, and being near to him, use your intimate knowledge of your friends passions and just show up for them. Show you love them. Show you care. They just might feel that love more tangibly than hearing about it.

“You must always remember, you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, smarter than you think. But the most important thing to remember is even if we are apart, I will always be with you”

Winnie the Pooh

Show Belief
Possibly the greatest fear rooted deep down in the heart and mind of someone who lives with O.C.D., is the fear of being rejected and abandoned because of the exhaustion of dealing with O.C.D.. And as their loved one, you’ll have the ability to see their potential, even when they can’t. You know what they’re capable of, the brilliance inside of them, the creativity that flows from them, the strength that bursts through their daily fight. Remind them of these things. Remind them that they are not O.C.D., they simply have O.C.D.. Remind them of their ability to take control of how O.C.D. affects them, and that they are capable of thriving. And most importantly, gently remind them that though you cannot be there for 100% of every struggle, every decision, every daily battle, you’re in their heart and they are in yours. Reassure them x1,000,000 that even when you’re apart, you believe in them, will check in on them, and are thinking about them. You’ll be tempted to continually want to “fix” them. But that just hurts the person in the long run. Your role in their life is not to fix their O.C.D.. No, my friend,you have been tasked with the crucial and sweet role of supporting them as they discover in themselves how to live a healthy and thriving life despite this mental disorder. You are not their crutch. But you can be a rock for them!

“We’ll be friends forever, won’t we Pooh?” asked Piglet.
“Even longer,” Pooh answered.

Winnie the Pooh

Show Loyalty
Fewer things reassure a racing mind, and uncertain heart, than hearing, “I know we are walking through a really tough season of your O.C.D.. But I love you in the easy seasons and even more in the harder seasons. I’m beside you for every season. I will sit by you, and believe in you during the dark seasons, and I will also cheer for you and celebrate you during the thriving seasons.” Let me be very clear: This..takes..commitment. Let me be even more clear: You..are only..one…person! They might need more than your friendship, and that’s ok to admit. Your friendship and love for them will do wonders. But please don’t lose your own sanity in the process of helping your loved one walk through an O.C.D. spiral. You need to find your own balance, your own peace, and your own anchor as you strive to support them in the hard seasons. Just the same, you must know when to guide them to other tools and resources like counseling, medication, building a bigger supportive community, etc. You may be their safety net, but you’re only one person. They will need an army of tools and resources as they learn to thrive despite this disorder. Approach this very gently and lovingly. Heck, hold their hand while you tell them these things! Work diligently to choose your choice of words carefully. Avoid saying things like, “I’m sorry! I just can’t handle this!”, or “I’m just not what you need right now!”, or “I just wish you could be yourself!” These can be incredibly isolating and damaging to your loved one who is already struggling with the insecurities of being abandoned or too much of a burden. More appropriate ways to approach this, would be, “You have me. I’m here for you through thick in thin. And because I’m here for you for the long haul, I believe that there are more tools than just me out there to help you with this. I’m only one person, and I’m doing my best. But you deserve all of the tools and resources, even ones I can’t provide you with!”

Can you feel the difference in these approaches?

Now, before you walk away thinking, “Geeze, I never want to love someone with O.C.D., that sounds like a LOT of work!” I want you to consider one thing: Every single human being on this earth has, is currently, or will endure hardship of some form. Even you. These pieces of advice I just shared aren’t specifically and solely to use for those of us with O.C.D.. Spoiler alert! These tips are applicable to supporting anyone through hardship of any kind. Friendship takes work. Intimate and life long friendship takes even more work. But oh my, it is so worth it!

Friendship and O.C.D. Part 2

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

When I was in college I loved to attend the basketball games every week. It was pure entertainment! And I’m not even talking about the game!

Without fail, every home game a group of 3-4 older women (probably in their late 70s), would all sit together at the top of the bleachers. They would be fully decked out in college apparel supporting their home team, sometimes even matching. They would bring pom poms and signs and cheer in unison through out the game.

Those women were besties for the resties. If the story was right, they had been besties since college and tried to never miss a home game. I remember looking at them every time, and thinking, “Man, now THAT is friend goals!” I always wondered what stories they had, what trials their friendships had endured, and what victories they had celebrated for one another.

Life long friendship is one of the most fascinating relationships to me.

In a marriage, two people are bound for life by a spiritual covenant oath before God. Even when the marriage is hanging on by a thread, often one or both partners will return to their vows to renew their promises to each-other. They are sealed as one before God Himself.

In a biological parenting relationship, you are bound by life through DNA, even if physical presence does not exist. Through an adoptive relationship, a parent becomes bound to the child through a legal document.

But an intimate, life long friendship? These relationships are bound by pure choice. No DNA, no legal document, no divine covenant oath. Simply choice.

I believe each type of relationship we experience in this life comes with unique and divine blessings. One is not better than the other, nor is one worse than the other. All of these relationships are gifts.

But when it comes to discussing the challenges of friendship, it feels important to acknowledge that out of all the relationships we encounter here, long-term friendship is just about the only one that is held together purely by a choice.

What If They Don’t Choose Me?
When living with O.C.D., or any personal struggle for that matter, it’s tempting to assume that no one would willingly choose to form intimate community and friendship with someone like us. Right?

We get so in our heads analyzing ourselves through the other person’s eyes, before even given them an opportunity to choose friendship with us. We completely forget about the fact that they will most likely have their own struggles and burdens for us to help carry as well.

Quite frankly, there will be individuals in your life who are not fit to help carry your burdens. Know that as you pursue deep, and life-long friendship. Some individuals might be too toxic, tempting to pull you further away from mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Maybe YOU are too “toxic” for them with your specific set of struggles. Maybe they’ve had traumas or experiences in their life that will be triggered by your specific struggles. Or maybe, they’ll be so self centered that they won’t know how to truly support you through your valleys.

The truth is, we should not isolate ourselves from the beauty and blessing of life-long friendship simply because many will not be the right fit. Intimate community is not meant to be shared with our entire acquaintance/friend circle. We must trust, that the few souls who enter our inner circle of intimate life-long friendship, are the ones that have proven to be a healthy fit for us, and us for them.

What If They Do Choose Me?
It’s only natural to feel anxious about how a friend will respond to our vulnerable confessions, our deepest struggles, and our greatest needs. Sometimes the fear of someone choosing us as a friend can feel greater than the fear of being rejected by a friend.

What’s important to remember with this insecurity, is that no one wants a fake or superficial relationship within their small, intimate community circle. At least not long-term. The key is to find the balance between vulnerability and service. We must avoid being a “consumer” friend through our openness and needs. What I mean is, we can’t just choose one person who is willing to be our bestie for the restie, and dump all of our baggage onto them at once. That’s intense. And kind of unfair to that person. Sure they may stick around for the long haul, but are you being a healthy friend to them?

A true community will stick around. But even more than that, they will help you learn the balance of the sharing of each others burdens in a respectful, healthy, and feasible manner. Open up as you go, while also allowing them the opportunity to open up as well. Don’t make the focal point about you and your struggles during every hang out or every conversation. That’s exhausting.

Find a healthy pace of vulnerability and honesty, couple that with the ability to be there for their burdens as well, and you’ll be so thankful that they did choose you! Your fear of them sticking around will blossom into a thankfulness that you don’t have to live life without them anymore!

“Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy”

Proverbs 27:6

For the next couple of weeks, I want to look more specifically at the challenges that come with being a healthy, balanced friend while living with O.C.D., as well as how to be a healthy, balanced friend for someone who does live with O.C.D.. As the scripture above implies, true sincere friendship, at times, will involve hard conversations that require commitment and adjustment. But that type of long-term community is far sweeter and more beneficial than a hundred superficial, fake friendships that don’t have your overall interest at heart.