Tag: affectsofpornography

Romance and O.C.D. Part 3

Photo by Jasmine Carter on Pexels.com

Naturally I have inherited quite a few traits from my mother.

We both love crafting. We both are perfectionists who love to clean. We both explosively sneeze. We both have tiny  noses that barely keep our sunglasses on our faces. And we both have a gap in our top front teeth. But there is one trait of my mother’s that I most definitely did NOT inherit—the fearless love of riding huge roller coasters.

I’ll never forget when the Titan opened at Six Flags over Texas in 2001 while I was in middle school. There was so much hype and publicity about this roller coaster, with its 255 foot drop that would send you plummeting down at 85 miles per hour.

I decided to take one of my best friends with our family to check out this beast. Up to that point, I had only heard stories and facts about this new coaster. And I was so ready for it! The whole ride to the amusement park I spoke boldness and excitement about conquering this feat! Of course I felt a few nerves, but mostly just excitement.

Until we pulled in the parking lot next to the new ride, that is. As we stepped out of the car and looked up at the towering hill, and the steep plummeting drop, I begin trembling in fear. All of a sudden, every ounce of excitement and confidence in me was replaced with terror and a desire to run away. As we got closer and closer to the front of the line, the “clink, clink, clink” sound of the roller coaster climbing the massive and steep hill, followed by screaming victims, became too much for me! It felt like a horror movie! And I just couldn’t take the overwhelming fear.

So what did I do? I chickened out and peaced out, leaving my friend solo! And guess who stepped in to save the day? My mom! Not only did she get on that ride with my friend, but also road first cart, hands in the air, and conquered that beast like it was nothing! Hearing their excitement as they returned from the ride did not seem fair! How were they not paralyzed in fear like I was? I mean they saw the same site, they heard the same sounds, yet they went for it! It just did not seem fair.

Oh how this experience perfectly relates to approaching the topic of sex while living with O.C.D.. As mentioned in my two previous posts, the effects of accessible porn that were blasted at my generation as children have had major negative impacts on us in different ways. But for someone like me, who lives with a mental disorder that traps images on repeat in the mind, creates irrational and obsessive fears/thoughts? Well, it’s much like the experience of the roller coaster. Let me break down the process to help those who do not have O.C.D. understand the impact this has had.

Phase 1: The Blissful Excitement of the Unknown
Remember how excited, courageous, and confident I was to ride the new roller coaster, after hearing about how adventurous and fun it was? Well, when I first heard about dating, kissing, marriage, and intimacy, I was pretty excited and curious. In my innocence of the unknown, I was blissfully willing to approach this area of life. And I was boy, CRAZY! I loved having “boyfriends”. I loved kissing those cute faces (sorry mom!). And I loved holding hands during the couples skating songs at the skating rink.


Phase 2: The Shock Factor
The moment I stood at the bottom of the Titan in person, seeing it’s intimidating appearance towering over me, was equivalent to the moment that intense pornographic videos popped up on my screen as a child. All of that excitement, confidence, and adventurous spirit I had towards boys, dating, and one day marriage/intimacy, was replaced and gripped with overwhelming fear and refusal to participate. Images of such corrupt videos (if I knew I didn’t have young readers, I would explain), and disturbing images seared in my mind. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I became so overtaken by fear.

Phase 3: Getting Out of the Line
The older I got, and the closer I became to the age of marriage and idea of intimacy, the more overwhelmed I became. Further destructive experiences entered my life: Boys trying to take advantage of me, or flat out dumping me harshly when I would strive to remain pure, seeing men of faith get sucked into the trap and ruin their marriages with porn addictions and affairs, hearing stories of my friends being raped or mishandled, hearing Godly married friends discuss their struggling sex life and frustrations with their husbands/wives, etc. All of it was like the horrific sound of the “clink, clink, clink” of the roller coaster climbing the hill. So what did I do? I bailed. I got out of line. I decided in my heart that marriage and intimacy just weren’t for me.

Phase 4: Stuck in Isolation
despite the fact that so many in my generation were also impacted by pornography and negative sexual experiences, they continued in the line towards marriage and intimacy. There I was, left behind, unwilling to participate in it all, watching them conquer the challenges while running to me after in pure excitement and joy. How? They saw the same disturbing images and videos as me! They went through far more negative experiences personally, than I’d ever been through. Yet they were able to move forward and find the enjoyment in the intended experience of dating, marriage, and intimacy despite the challenges.

But not me. I remained stuck out of the line, looking on from a distance in loneliness, confusion, fear, and frustration. Were they not nervous? Were they not scarred? Were they not afraid? Were they not fed up and overwhelmed? And if so, how could they possibly move forward? So I just kept quiet, alone, and afraid.  With so many images trapped on repeat, stories replaying in my head, and obsessive, irrational fear controlling all parts of me.

I don’t know about you, but I do not want the journey to end with any of us stuck in Phase 4. No one deserves to be trapped in misery, loneliness, or a mind overtaken by fear and irrational/toxic thinking. I hope you’ll join me next week as I discuss what healing looks like for those of us who have found ourselves deeply affected by the shift we have experienced in our culture.
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“Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
Romans 12:2
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Romance and O.C.D. Part 2

Photo by Trinity Kubassek on Pexels.com

“If it ain’t broken, don’t fix it!”

How many of you have heard that saying from a parent or grandparent in your life time?

I for one heard this saying often while growing up, mostly because I have a natural tendency to want to fix things, even if they don’t need fixing. I believe this saying to be somewhat useful (though of course one could argue “well what if it can be improved?”).

I also find the opposite of the saying to be of value: “If it is broken, fix it!” Don’t just walk away from the broken, don’t ignore the broken, don’t feed into the broken. Fix it, if at all possible.

If you read my last post, Romance and O.C.D. Part 1, then you will know that I believe our culture completely “broke” our healthy, simple, innocent, and natural way of dating, marriage, and intimacy when it shoved accessible pornography in our faces. Did sexual addiction/porn addiction, rape, abortion, affairs, divorce, and sex trafficking exist before this cultural shift? Of course. But not at the devastatingly high rates as they do now.

I want to first acknowledge how this broken part of our culture has effected society as a whole, and then in my next blog post I want to specifically address how this cultural shift has negatively affected many of “us” with O.C.D. (no, I’m not the official O.C.D. spokesperson so I can’t speak for everyone). 

Desensitization

Have you ever looked at images of swim suites from the early 1800s? If not, you so should! You’ll get a pretty good kick out of them. Both men and women’s swim suits covered the entire body. Can you imagine how heavy those swim suites would be when wet! What fascinates me most though, is that really until the last 100-150 years, the societal expectation was that people would cover their bodies, respect each other’s physical privacy, and save intimacy for where it belongs: in the bedroom with the one you love. 

But now? Visit a public beach and you’ll find pre-teen girls walking around in thong bikinis, as well as young men walking around in tiny speedos, leaving almost nothing for the imagination. I know some may disagree with me on this, but I strongly believe this gradual change is a direct reflection of how our society has been impacted by accessible pornography. We stopped valuing the human body as a prize for the one we love, and became desensitized from the constant exposure of the human body. 

The expectation went from being modest, respectful, and private, to being fully accessible at all times to anyone, anywhere. 

False Expectations

And speaking of expectations, how can we deny the impact accessible porn has on the expectations within a relationship, and especially within marriage and intimacy. Men and women began expecting certain experiences, certain body types, and certain benefits based off of what they were seeing on paper or on a screen.  

Examples: The rise of breast and butt implants, botox, and plastic surgery over the last 50 years has directly increased as pornographic videos and images have become more accessible. Coincidence? I think not. Public stores that all can see, even innocent little children, switched from regular clothes on the displayed mannequins, to kinky lingerie and sex toys on display. Magazines in the check out line went from home decor and cooking tips, to sex tips in big, bold letters. Bridal and groom gifts went from house accessories, financial securities, and spiritual gifts, to sex toys and sex games guaranteed to “keep him/her interested”.  

These false expectations have set millions up for devastating blows to self esteem, disappointment, un-fulfillment, isolation, divorce, affairs, and more. All in efforts to achieve what was experienced from the image or video. Real life intimacy with a real person, gradually stopped competing with the instant, but short lived gratification of the fantasy world. 

Fantasy Verses Reality

And speaking of fantasy, which sounds more appealing? Being addicted to an image or video of a person who doesn’t know you, doesn’t love you, doesn’t care about you, and can’t provide any real life emotional, spiritual, mental, social, or physical support? Or being committed to a real life human that can show you compassion, forgiveness, encouragement, support, and true, unconditional love? Which sounds happier? A relationship entirely based on lust, or a relationship entirely founded upon true love?  

Our culture has been so desensitized by false expectations, that so many would rather isolate themselves to their fantasized addictions, than enjoy a real life, thriving, safe, and committed relationship with someone who deeply cares for them. How sad is that? So many men, and women, throw their real life relationships away in pursuit of these fantasized environments.

Commitment Phobia

And speaking of commitment, when did the following become the “norm”: to live in a fatherless or motherless home, to lose your virginity in middle school, to experience multiple heart breaking divorces, to “accept” that your partner is also sleeping with other people, to abort an unborn child simply so you can continue to have sex with your partner without the commitment of a child. 

The whole no commitment thing seems like a dream to so many. Yet so many in return suffer from a drastic increase in anxiety, depression, loneliness, STDs, substance abuse, and more. Still sound like a dream? What accessible porn has created, is a culture that wants instant gratification, with no strings attached, and complete numbness to the consequences of both pursuits. But what I hope our culture will wake up and realize, is that if we continue down the path of abandoning commitment, then we must be prepared to commit to the devastating heart ache and consequences that follow such a life style.

Which would you rather be committed to? 

So what now? As we begin to acknowledge the broken, and explore its devastating impact on our generation and culture, where do we even begin to pick up the pieces and fix the broken? I hope you’ll stay with me on this topic this month, so that we can find out together!