Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered.

Being an aunt of 6 nieces and nephews leaves me with no shortage of stories from their childhood. 

I remember one night my brother texted a picture of my nephew, who was at the time around 2-3 years old, sitting on their kitchen floor covered in jelly, while holding the jelly jar tightly.  

The story went something like, “He is so obsessed with jelly that he waited until we weren’t watching, went and grabbed the jelly container, and scarfed down almost an entire jelly jar in a matter of minutes.” When caught in the moment, he knew he shouldn’t be doing what he was doing, yet because of his obsession with jelly, he continued to frantically devour the jelly while looking at my brother and sister-in-law as they snapped the picture. 

I have had similar experiences with obsessing over something until I compulsively gave in. Only my situations looked very different than sitting shirtless on my kitchen floor while devouring a jar of jelly (now if it were a jar of peanut butter, that’d be a different story!). My experiences involve obsessing over something, to the point I compulsively dropped hundreds if not thousands of dollars in a matter of minutes, in order to subside that obsession. Example?

When I found out that I was going to become a school nurse, I knew that I would need new scrubs and a new pair of shoes since I only owned one color of scrubs, and worn out shoes from my hospital jobs. I decided to get 1 or 2 pair of converse shoes , and 2-3 solid color undershirts that would match any of my new pediatric scrubs. But while at the store, O.C.D. kicked in. 

I began obsessing over things like: Will these patterns, textures, and colors match? What if I get one dirty, should I go ahead and get multiple? What if this shirt feels different than the scrub material? What if…What if…What if…

What initially started out as being 1-2 pair of converse, and 2-3 undershirts turned into (literally) 10+ pair of converse shoes, and roughly 10-15 undershirts (some in the exact same colors). I remember taking a picture of all of the converse shoes in a row, and all of the exact same t-shirt in a row, and thinking “I have a problem. I didn’t want to do this. I feel guilty about this. I don’t need all of these. But I couldn’t stop”. My bank account suffered. Which only added to the guilt. 

I could provide countless examples of moments like this, where my bank account went from thousands of dollars, to literally less than $100 in a matter of 24 hours. What sounds crazy to the normal brain, is just another day in the life of living with O.C.D. for some of us. And although O.C.D. affects many areas of my life outside of finances, I want to specifically discuss financial burdens in this post. 

Chances are, I’m not the only one whose bank account has suffered because of compulsive, obsessive, or even impulsive spending decisions. This can effect people who do not suffer from O.C.D. as well. Don’t believe me? See if you relate to any of these thoughts: I know I can’t afford this, but I can’t stand that the house isn’t fully decorated yet so I’m just going to buy everything all at once so that it’s completely finished. I’ll fix these cars up one day, so I can’t let this opportunity to purchase another classic car pass by. These video games might be a collectors item one day, so I should buy them all now. 

 See my point? So many of us suffer financially because of obsessive, compulsive thinking and behaviors. That being said, I want to offer four “life lines” to consider when tempted to act on these obsessions or compulsions. Because, though I may not be able to “cure” my O.C.D. mind, I most definitely can train myself how to respond to its influence in my life. And so can you!

Life Line #1- Pray

I’ve always heard the saying, “It’s hard to stay mad at someone once you begin praying for them”. Brilliant, and so true! I believe the same reasoning can be applied with our temptation to carelessly or obsessively blow through money. It’s much harder to be a poor steward of what we’ve been given, when we are continuously in prayer to not only praise God for our blessings, but also to ask Him to protect our management over our blessings. Try praying the day before each pay check, on the way to the store, as you open up that online shop, or before pulling that cash out. See how God works in your ability to steward well even through compulsive, obsessive behaviors. 

Life Line #2-Phone a Friend

If you truly are in need of something—clothes, shoes, house hold items, a gift, etc—invite a close friend in to the buying process. Tell them how much you can afford to spend, what you need, and what you must avoid. Allow them to hold you accountable. Allow them to shop with you. Allow them to budget with you. Don’t face purchasing decisions alone until you are fully controlled enough to make stable decisions with your money.  

Life Line #3-Cash

Wait? How is cash a life line to overcoming your compulsion to obsessively blow through money?  Letting go of tangible cash is far more emotional than swiping an invisible amount on a card. While listening to Dave Ramsey, I really took to his envelope system for this very reason!  Feel the sting when handing your cash over the counter. I assure you, that sting will heal much quicker than the sting of later pulling open your bank account after compulsively spending from your card. This simple life line will shift your mental value off of the item you are obsessing over, and onto the value of stewarding your money well. 

Life Line #4-Tag a Friend 

When I go on vacation, I allow only my most trusted family/friends to step in and care for my sweet puppy, Myla. I know they will protect her, care for her, and most importantly, give her back when I return. Believe it or not, we can view our money in the same way. If you can’t trust yourself with that card in your wallet, or that cash in your purse/account, rely on those you CAN trust with your money. Ask your bank to freeze your card temporarily, move that money into an account meant for increasing over time with interest, ask your spouse or parent or sibling to hold on to that cash or card temporarily. These seem extreme. But then again, blowing through hundreds if not thousands of dollars due to the inability to control your obsessions/compulsions/impulsive desires, also seems extreme. Which extreme would you rather experience? 

In my next post, I will provide you with some great tools to help secure your account from the sting of O.C.D.. There’s no quick solution. Implementing self control when it comes to financial decisions, especially when living with a mental disorder that leads to unwanted obsessions/compulsions, takes surrendering to a greater Power, and choosing discipline over convenience. The road to financial freedom and security won’t be easy, but it sure will be worth it! 

Growing up in the country with three older brothers left me with no other option than to be competitive. 

In fact, few words motivated me more than hearing from a group of boys, “I just don’t know if you could keep up”. Hearing those words reminds me of learning about the “fight or flight” process in nursing school. When faced with a challenge, the body either takes flight and high tails it out of the situation, or, it decides to fight back and step up to the challenge. Being told these things by a group of boys always put me in “fight” mode, pushing me to step up to the challenge at hand. 

When dealing with the strong force of cultural influence taking place over the last 50-100 years, we have two options. We can either fight back against the norm of society, or go into “flight” mode, allowing ourselves to be swept away by the unhealthy patterns of our culture. 

So how exactly to do we go into “fight” mode, in efforts to protect our minds from the long-term damage taking place? 

Acknowledge the Shift

You don’t have to identify as a “Christian” or even a “conservative” to acknowledge the negative impact all of the cultural shifts mentioned in my last post have had on our mental, emotional, and social health. Realizing the impact is the first step to desiring change. I encourage checking out these studies on the effects that pornography, video gaming obsessions, and media addictions have on the mind. I find it interesting that “obsession” and “addiction” pop up multiple times throughout these studies. Sound familiar?

Might I make the link to increased O.C.D. tendencies of obsessions, compulsions, and other addictive thoughts/behaviors in our culture compared to past generations to an increase in cultural influence through technology and media? Not to mention the increase in anxiety, depression, and suicide. How can we ignore these connections? How could we chalk it up as coincidence? We must, as a culture, acknowledge the impact these shifts are having on our mental stability, especially for younger, impressionable, developing minds.

Know Your Boundaries

The next step, is to do something within your power, to foster change. Examples? Add safe guards like Covenant Eyes, or Vid Angel to your electronics. Only allow your children to have internet access when you are sitting next to them. Pre-screen movies for your kids, or better yet, read the reviews before seeing it yourself. Throw out any movies/games/music exposing the mind to rough language, nudity, sex, or violence. Limit your time spent on electronics drastically. Don’t allow your children to have access to social media until they are emotionally, mentally, and socially developed. Limit your own social media usage as an adult and filter your own accounts with safe guards or blocking certain accounts. 

There are so many creative, and easy ways to safeguard the mind from images and words that can do long-term damage. Especially to a mind that battles with O.C.D. or other obsessive tendencies. 

Just Say No

Though it might initially feel awkward or embarrassing, follow the peer pressure rule you teach your kids and request your own friend circle to turn a channel, turn the music off, put the phone down, change the subject, etc. Why do we so often assume that only children need to be protective around their influential friends? Adult peer pressure is a real thing. And it can eat away at mental, emotional, physical, and social health if we allow negative influences from our culture to infiltrate our minds. 

Start a New Trend  

Be the one in your home, in your church, in your community of friends, who says “Enough!”. Enough divorce. Enough violence. Enough out of context sex. Enough addiction. Enough obsession. Enough desensitization. Enough graphics. Enough vulgarity. Enough crudeness. ENOUGH! Be the one to start a new cultural shift that protects the mind, heart, and processing abilities. I for one don’t find it coincidence that the mental state of our world has drastically declined as the influence of media and electronics have sky rocketed, as well as the amount of individuals on medication for anxiety and depression has increased drastically.

OCD is not the only part of our culture taking a major hit. Marriages are dissolving. Friendships are ending. Trust is being broken. Children are being neglected. Families are falling a part. Socializing abilities have declined to more introverted, isolating tendencies which can foster addictive and obsessive environments. Education is digressing. Work ethic is suffering. 

If we don’t acknowledge the impact that our addictive, obsessive, and highly accessible cultural shifts are having on our mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, and social health, then we can no longer be shocked when the suicide rates, numbers of murders/violent acts, divorce rates, etc, continue to sky rocket. 

The change starts with me. And it starts with you! Own up to our part in the cultural shift and say, “ENOUGH!”. Protect your mind. Protect your heart. Let’s start a new cultural shift together that heals what has been tainted, scarred, and broken. We must start this message and shift in our individual hearts, then in our individual homes, then out in our communities. After all, isn’t this how the negative shift began in the first place? Let’s be the world changers that put us back on the path to a positive shift of healing and protection around our minds.

If you are roughly the age of 30, like myself, chances are high that you experienced the “ice salt challenge” phase around middle school. If you did, you know exactly what I’m talking about without the need to explain. If you did not, then let me explain. 

In the 90s, early 2000s, young people went through a phase where the “cool” and “popular” thing to do at lunch, was to sprinkle cafeteria salt on your skin, followed by pushing down a piece of ice over the salted area. This combination would cause a burning sensation similar to frost bite. The challenge was to see who could withstand the pain the longest. A red mark would be left on your skin from the burn. 

Before you go judging our 90s fad, I bet you had similar fads at this age growing up. For example, the tide pod challenge? Yeah, that’s what I thought! 

We all know how impactful our culture, and the latest “trends” can be to our mental, emotional, social, physical, and spiritual state. This is especially true when it comes to living with a disorder like OCD, that impacts the brains ability to process information. I find the correlation to some of our recent “trends” in society and a rise in mental instability to be of no coincidence. 

Though many of you may strongly disagree with me from this point forward, I want to share my personal insight as to how our culture can be destructive to our mental stability. 

Video Games

When I was growing up, the only “violent” scene on video games was when Yoshi jumped on top of the walking mushroom to squish it. The only “explicit” read in the nintendo jargon was a character that had a word bubble with symbols within it, representing a curse word ( example: &!*@ would float above a knocked out character or hover over a character’s mouth instead of an actual curse word). 

But now? Man. Video games include such violent, graphic, cold blood killing scenes filled with realistic looking blood, weapons, and straight up murder. Not to mention the amount of border line, or even full blown, nude images that can pop up. And don’t get me started on the language in most video games these days. 

Smart Phones

I remember the day when getting one alert on the pager attached to your belt was a big deal. There wasn’t this obsessive desire to check and recheck the beeper screen. You either felt the buzz go off, or you didn’t. 

But now? In a matter of seconds, our entire smart phone screen can be filled up with notifications, messages, and alerts. Our brains have developed un deniable addiction to check, re check, scroll, and check again. 

Music

Have you ever listened to popular music from when you were younger and thought, “Oh my word! I had NO idea that’s what that meant!” This happens to me and my friends all the time. We will be jamming to some good beats, and then say, “Wait, WHAT!? How did I not know that’s what this song was talking about!?” And although it usually leads to some awkward laughter, just think about that. 

The amount of vulgarity, explicit language, abusive, de-moralizing, and even violent messages that are so casually thrown into music the last 60 years, ought to bring shame. But it doesn’t. You know why? Because we have become so desensitized to what we are filling our minds with through music. You can’t tell me this hasn’t created a silent but deadly effect to the stability of the mind. 

Hollywood 

I heard my parents having a conversation one time about how when they were kids, Hollywood/T.V. wouldn’t even show married couples cuddling in bed as it could be improper. 

But now? What use to be rated “X” or “R” has casually slid into PG-13 or even PG movies. Even disney has started throwing sexual meanings into certain conversations for the adults to catch when watching with their children. Aside from the sex filtrated images being seared into our minds at such a young age, how about the graphic violence? You can literally sit and watch graphic abuse, fighting, and violence taking place with such realistic images as a young child. 

Accessibility 

Back in the day, men, and I guess women for that matter, had to work extra hard to access pornography via hard copy magazine. 

But now? Flip on the T.V., scroll through social media, download a new app on your smart phone, or simply walk past a women’s underwear store in a public mall and you will be bombarded with images. We live in an age of accessibility like never before. And yet, we wonder why divorce rates are sky rocketing, suicide is at an all time high, and addictions/obsessions are through the roof compared to previous generations. 

My Point? 

I believe all of these cultural shifts have drastically impacted the minds of thousands upon thousands of adolescents, and adults, causing a desensitization to occur in the mind towards these things that not long ago, were considered explicit, vulgar, and unacceptable.  This isn’t even stemming from my Christian upbringing. We can’t deny the impact that these cultural shifts are having on the development of the mind, emotions, processing abilities, and socialization skills. 

So how do we cope? How to we fight against the “norm” of society when the “norm” is clearly producing alarming effects? Check back right here in just a couple of weeks for my next post, “Give O.C.D. a Fighting Chance”. 

I will never forget my first experience with “laughing gas” at the dentist. 

Everyone prepared me beforehand that I would lose the ability to control my laughter once on the medication. I didn’t believe my friends who tried to prepare me that this would happen. I just assumed everyone who reacted in this way was faking a response for attention. Man was I wrong!

In a matter of minutes, I literally could not quit laughing. Internally I knew that nothing funny had taken place, yet I just ..couldn’t..quit! The dentist would say something as simple as, “Ok, hold still!”, and I would burst into uncontrollable laughter. 

I wish I could tell you that inappropriate laughter has only occurred in my life due to laughing gas. But unfortunately, I have cry laughed in the most inconvenient moments: immediately after being reprimanded by an adult, during class lectures, in the middle of worship services (including prayers!), and even during a funeral (like, cry laughed so hard people started handing me tissues because they assumed I was crying for real). 

I’m sure that qualifies me as a terrible human being. But if we are honest, we all have a tendency to express out of place emotions in the most inconvenient times. Often, these expressions stem from nervousness, inability to process, misunderstanding, insecurity, or the inability to relate to/connect with what is taking place. 

When it comes to sharing something as personal as a mental disorder like OCD, or any personal struggle for that matter, we should allow for the recipient to sort through their responses without taking their initial response so personal. At the same time, there should be a level of discernment when it comes to who we choose to share what information with. 

In this post, I want to briefly share possible reactions one might receive when attempting to communicate something as sensitive and personal as battling OCD. My hope is that by sharing this information, those who desire to openly communicate about their struggle (whatever it might be) will feel more confident in how to handle possible responses, as well as for those that are on the receiving end of such personal information might have better awareness of their important role. 

The Insensitive Response

I’m sure any one of my married female friends have encountered a moment of deep vulnerability, in which the husband’s response was more or less, “Just get over it already!”. (I’m sure women have made men feel that way too, I just hear about it far less). 

I believe this response stems from a few possible underlying factors:

1-The inability to relate. Someone who has never internally and deeply struggled with a disorder, disease, or deeply rooted insecurity, will most likely have a hard time understanding the depth of emotion, inner turmoil, and desperate need for comfort, sensitivity, compassion, and safety. 

2-The inability to embrace. For many reasons, some people have a hard time tuning into deep emotions. This could be the environment they were raised in, or even past trauma that has stunted their ability to express and engage in deep emotions. A person who has a wall built up around their own emotional processing, most likely will not fully understand how to embrace your deep emotions/hardships. 

3-The inability to empathize. Quite frankly, some people are just too self centered to actually empathize with someone else’s pain or struggle. 

How to handle this possible response? 

Don’t take it personal. Chances are, this individual is responding in this way due to their own fears, insecurities, or reserved experiences with emotions. There are some who are naturally more compassionate and empathetic than others. Don’t let this response steer you away from opening up to others. At the same time, stop to consider that maybe you need to communicate more clearly and openly for this individual to fully grasp the hardship you are facing.

The Silent Response 

We all know that individual that is the King or Queen of the silent treatment. Most of the time, silence carries a negative connotation and can be mis interpreted as manipulative, insensitive, apathetic, or even uncaring. And though this most definitely can be the motive or intention behind a person’s silent response, there is an alternative factor to consider. 

There are individuals, at times like myself, who take time to process information they are provided with. Some of us need a bit of time to digest the information and carefully produce “the right” response. This can be a good trait. However, from my experience, this can leave the person who was just vulnerable enough to open up, wondering what the silence means. “Are they going to abandon me?” “Are they judging me?” “Are they mad at me?”

How to handle this possible response? 

Speak up! If the silent response leads you down any of those rabbit holes of wondering, verbalize your need for reassurance. A true friend will listen. It’s not wrong to say, “I know that was a lot of information to process. I want you to process it in your own way, but I also just need reassurance that our friendship/relationship is going to be ok despite me sharing this with you?”. This simple step can spare the danger and hurt of false assumptions.

The Disgusted Response

I wish it weren’t so, but there will most likely be individuals who hear you share your struggles, and respond with disgust. “I can’t believe you would think about that!” “I can’t believe you’re struggling with that!” “How could you think/feel/do that?” This is true for any struggle that is brought to light, not just the struggles that come with OCD. 

Some things to consider when this response occurs:

1-No one is perfect. Every single human being on planet earth has a struggle. Some struggles are more external , some are more internal in nature. Some are public, some are secret. Some are mental, while others are emotional, physical, or spiritual. Don’t let this response make you feel inadequate or undeserving of support/compassion. 

2-Struggles can be a powerful tool. Though not everyone will understand your struggle, especially when it involves a mental disorder, you can be assured that every single struggle we endure, can be used as a tool to help other people with similar struggles. Though same may disagree, I believe that not one person struggles in isolation, meaning that someone on this earth has struggled with, is struggling with, or will struggle with, your struggle. 

How to handle this response? 

Know that strength, at times, comes in the form of weakness. What I mean is, no one is perfect. And the person who sits all high and mighty, probably lacks the courage to be vulnerable. So, remember that sharing your weaknesses or struggles, actually is a sign of courage and can lead to healing, helping you become stronger in your weakness. The quickest path to healing is one that involves releasing the darkness we are trapping inside of us.

The Abandonment Response

“A true friend loves at all times” Proverbs 17:17. Nothing weeds out true friends from insincere friends more than sharing your struggles. You’ll find out pretty quick who is in this friendship/relationship unconditionally. And though some individuals may not feel strong enough to carry certain burdens of yours due to their own struggles, a true friend won’t abandon you completely when you share your most intimate struggles. 

So, how do you handle if a person responds to your vulnerability by jumping ship? LET ..THEM..GO! They weren’t a true friend to begin with. I believe quality far out weighs quantity when it comes to friendship. As mentioned in Proverbs 18:24,  “A man with many friends may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother”. It’s ok to only have 1, 2 or 3 friends you can trust with the heavy stuff. It’s pretty unrealistic to expect every person to accept your burdens your carry, willingly offering to carry part of that load with you. 

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ So What Now?_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Well, now you take some time to figure out who you can trust to share your thoughts/struggles with. Now you take time to figure out how to word your confessions in a way that’s clear, respectful, but vulnerable and true. Now you approach that friend, or spouse, or family member with a bit more understanding of possible responses you might encounter. The point to all of this is, we as a people have to do better at communicating openly, as well as receiving open communication. 

I believe there is so much room for growth in being a more supportive, compassionate, and encouraging world. It starts with me, and it starts with you!

Who remembers when a pregnant woman was accidentally served cleaning fluid at a McDonald’s, instead of the Latte that she ordered, in 2018?

According to The New York Times post about the incident, an employee switched the tubing of the milk supply line, to a cleaning solution while the woman’s Latte was being made. The woman began experiencing minor but concerning symptoms after taking a drink, and immediately recognized a cleaning product was in the drink. She was allowed to take a picture of the label on the chemical’s bottle which revealed possible side effects.

In nursing school, we were educated on the importance of recognizing hazardous labels, as well as proper responses to those who come in contact with dangerous chemicals. Knowing how to properly label hazardous solutions, as well as how to properly read hazardous solution labels, can help prevent life or death situations from occurring.

Knowing how to properly “label” O.C.D is equally as vital, and can be the deciding factor of whether a person is able to thrive throughout their day to day life, or not.

But how exactly does a person “label” their O.C.D.?

Learn Your Responses
One exercise in my O.C.D. specialized therapy, is pinpointing where in my body, or what area of my life, is being affected by my O.C.D. I’ve learned that my body responds with extreme anxiety, stress, depression, weight change, G.I. changes, sleep changes, and more. I’ve learned that when I see major changes in my spending, hygiene, relationships, social skills, and health, these are all signs of how I try to cope with what’s happening mentally due to my O.C.D.. This technique of learning my responses, helps me label certain behaviors and responses as “Effects of O.C.D.”.

Think back on the woman mentioned at the beginning of this post. According to the story, she immediately recognized that something wasn’t right with her drink based on the intense burning occurring in her mouth. She knew how a drink was suppose to feel and taste, and she knew that what she was experiencing was not normal.

In the same manner, it is important that someone who experiences obsessive thoughts or compulsions, learns their patterns, behaviors, and thought processes when they are stable, so they can better recognize if things are spiraling out of control while triggered.

Learn your body’s response to those intrusive images, trigger topics, uncomfortable experiences, compulsive behaviors, etc, and learn to address those responses instead of ignoring them.

Address Your Body’s Response
What if the woman mentioned above would have ignored the burning sensation in her mouth after taking that first drink of the cleaning solution in her “Latte”? Can you imagine the effects that could have had on not just her, but her unborn child?

When we try to ignore our physical responses or external behaviors brought on by O.C.D. , we are not only at risk of self destruction, but sabotaging important relationships in our lives. We must understand the importance of immediately recognizing one or multiple of our O.C.D. effects occurring, and take action.

As mentioned in previous posts, it is imperative to form a triggered response plan. For me, I chose the help of my therapist and a close friend who knows me inside and out. I formed a response plan for those moments when I feel debilitated by intrusive thoughts, images, or compulsive tendencies to lessen the anxiety or fear. My response plan includes activities that calm me, redirect my attention, keep my mind busy on things that are beneficial and productive, and help me move forward much quicker.

Call for Help
When the pregnant woman began feeling the effects of the cleaning product in her mouth, she immediately took action and called a poison control number. She knew that she needed someone who knew the potential danger of that cleaning product better than herself, and who could speak calmly to her on what steps to take to pursue health and safety of her and her unborn baby.

Calling on others for help the moment you begin feeling O.C.D. taking over your mind and ability to thrive throughout your day to day activities is so crucial. Choose a squad of people, including your therapist/counselor, who know what O.C.D. is capable of doing to you mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Be as descriptive as you can be on what effects of O.C.D. you are experiencing. Listen to their wisdom and advice, and put into action the counsel they give.

As always, I can only hope my vulnerability and the (little) insight that I am able to share through my own journey through living with O.C.D., will help at least one other person who might feel alone. If you could benefit from this blog, or know someone else who could, please subscribe and share. I dream of a healthier, more supportive, and understanding world. That change starts with me and you!

Did you know that how you approach a swimming pool reveals a lot about your personality? It’s true!

I’ve observed three separate “pool approaching” tactics through out my life time. And I am convinced that each approach reveals a little something about that person’s outlook on life. I refer to it as Poolology. It’s a thing, okay?! 

Approach number 1 is what I like the refer to as The Toe Dipper. 

 This person stands at the top of the pool stairs, shivering, possibly even with their swim towel wrapped around them, and barely dips the tip of their big toe in the water. After their big toe adjusts to the water temperature, they’ll then ease their whole foot in the water. Once their foot adjusts they will then put both feet in, and so on. You get the picture. It might be 20 minutes later that this person actually gets to enjoy the pool. Which, if you think about it, is 20 minutes less to enjoy the pool. 

My Poolology would bet that this individual has the same approach in real life situations. Fear and timidity mandate their approach to challenges and the unfamiliar. They approach situations with doubt, caution, and detailed analyzing, before determining their ability to proceed. And, just like the toe dipper, this person most likely misses out on a lot of fun, healthy, and wonderful experiences because of their inability to quickly move past the anxiety, fear, and timidity of the unknown. 

Approach number 2 is what I like to refer to as The Classy Dipper. 

This is that person that eases into the water like it’s not big deal, yet refuses to put their hand under for at least 10 minutes. They just can’t fully commit right away, until they feel fully adjusted, prepared, and ready for the full submersion! In my experienced pool observing, this person usually stays in the pool the longest, maintaining that posed, classy, chill vibe. They might even be that person that doesn’t want to be splashed, or that person floating around on their oversized pool floaty soaking in the pool festivities. 

My poolology imagines that this individual approaches real life situations with an outwardly calm, smooth demeanor, while internally struggling to release control and fully commit. And though this person will get to enjoy a bit more of the pool environment than the toe dipper, there is still that inability to be all in and fully commit. 

Approach number 3 is what I like to refer to as The Tidal Wave. 

This person is the pool menace! Immediately upon arriving in the pool area, this is the person that takes off running and without any warning to those around, does a massive cannon ball right in the middle of the pool! They don’t care to test the water out pre jump. They just go all in, all at once, full of adrenaline and excitement. Most likely the first few moments after their tidal wave jump, they will holler and raise a ruckus on how cold it is. But, they quickly adjust and begin initiating all of the fun pool games, while yelling to the toe dipper and classy dipper, “Ah just get in already why don’t ya?!” 

My poolology imagines that this person faces their fears and challenges head on, possibly without much regard to the aftermath. They are probably that person who figures out things as they go, addressing each issue as it arises. And though there might be some harm in this approach at times, this person most likely enjoys experiences to the absolute fullest. 

My poolology , believe it or not, is relatable to how a person with OCD can choose to expose themselves to their irrational fears that tend to cripple and debilitate their mind. Most with OCD would fall in the “toe dipper” category. They are so overcome by the fear of “what ifs” and the anxiety brought on by the unknown, that they remain on the outskirts of all the activities and life experiences, clinging to what feels safe. They might even be too trapped inside of their intrusive, repetitious thoughts to explore the world beyond that false “reality”. The sad part about this, is that they are missing out on such wonderful, normal, and even healthy experiences. They set themselves up for being detached from social communities, which can lead to isolated anxiety and depression. 

Some who have a bit more control over their OCD fall into the classy dipper category. Though they walk into an experience or situation despite their fear or intrusive thoughts, they might possibly never fully commit to enjoying an experience for what it truly is. This can lead to loneliness and an inability to relate to the rest of the crowd. They may be physically present, but internally they are most likely feeling detached and very separated from their environment.

Very, very rarely, will a person with OCD fall into the Tidal Wave category. In fact, most with OCD will place every other non OCD affected person into this category. We set ourselves up for believing that everyone around us gets to enjoy all of the things our OCD restricts us from, with no battle of fear, transitioning, adjustments, or challenges. If we aren’t careful, this can produce intense jealously, or feelings of hopelessness. It’s important to understand that even the most confident person goes through a moment, even if fleeting, of doubt, questioning, analyzing, and adjusting. 

My poolology might be a stretch. But the point is, OCD and the irrational mental games that it plays on a person, can truly strip the joy of life away. We would do well to acknowledge our need for trying out different approaches of exposure to the very things we fear the most. Sure it might be uncomfortable for a time, even scary or unpleasant. But, with persistence, we will soon find ourselves adjusting, and even enjoying the very things we thought we could never experience due to our irrational thinking brought on by OCD.  

If you or someone you know suffers from the effects of OCD, I hope you’ll consider following this blog, or sharing it with others. The purpose of this blog is to bring to light all of the experiences with OCD that most shy away from addressing or communicating about. I believe with everything in me that our best chance at experiencing mental health and balance, is to openly communicate about the disorder, and encourage one another towards healing. 

Myla, pictured above, is my new 10 week old Cavapoo puppy.

Though Myla has so many new puppy quirks, one of my favorites to witness is how jumpy and skittish she is around new objects or sounds. She will be running through the house playing without a care in the world, until a random site or sound sends her running into my arms shaking.

Without fail though, once she gets use to that shadow, or object, or noise, it disrupts her less and less until finally, it doesn’t phase her at all. I know good and well her fears are irrational. But for her in the beginning, they feel so very big, scary, unfamiliar, and real. For Myla, those fears disrupt her playful, carefree moments and send her away shaking and seeking comfort.

OCD is notorious for crippling a person’s mind with irrational fears through disturbing images, obsessive thoughts, and repetitive scenarios that intrude the mind without invite. As discussed in previous blogs, the OCD mind doesn’t naturally have the ability to release such destructive irrational thoughts and fears like most can. 

And just like Myla, for us, what happens in our mind, though irrational, feels very big, scary, unfamiliar, and real. 

Through my OCD studies and experiences, there are roughly 5 main categories that a person with OCD can become irrationally debilitated by (I know there are more, but these are the most prevalent ones in my personal opinion). In this post, I want to discuss each category to simply give insight  to those who may not understand how OCD affects the mind and quality of life. 

Fear of Contamination

A non OCD brain can register that though diseases and germs are real, we generally are not affected by them if we take standard precautions. A non OCD brain will go through the day unhindered by the thought of the diseases and germs lingering around. The OCD brain, however, begins vividly visualizing these germs on surfaces, clinging to things and people, obsessing on images of worst case scenarios. These images lead to compulsive behaviors that, in their mind, will prevent contamination from happening. 

For example, I once read of a man who was so terrified of road contamination after an accident had occurred, that he would listen to scanners for local wrecks or accidents. Then, in the middle of the night, he would go out and scrub the road after the accident was cleared. For the non OCD brain, that sounds so absurd. For the OCD brain however, his very realistic images of xyz taking place unless he scrubbed the contaminated street, led him to obsess to the point that his sleep habits, ability to cope during the day, and ability to cope at work were disrupted. 

Fear of Trauma

A non OCD brain will hear of tragic news, see a disturbing image on television, or experience a traumatic event, and be able to rebound fairly quickly after a healthy amount of time grieving or feeling concerned. The OCD brain, however, will dwell in a state of “doom” almost continually. The OCD brain will begin very vividly imagining tragic scenarios all around them as if they were literally happening.The OCD brain will begin piecing together all of the images, stories, and experiences of tragedy and repetitively playing those scenarios out in their day to day lives. This person goes through each day stripped of joy in their activities, as they obsess over irrational feelings of impending doom, disturbing thoughts, and tragic images. 

Fear of Forgetting/Fear of Error

The non OCD brain will stop only for a second, and question, “Did I lock the door this morning?”, only to move on in their daily obligations. The OCD brain, however, will be compelled to leave work multiple times throughout the day to check, and recheck that lock. These obsessions and compulsive responses, deeply disrupt a person’s ability to cope in school, at work, and in day to day activities. The compulsive need to check, and recheck, read and re-read, correct and re-correct, make it near impossible to stay focused on a task, or complete tasks in a timely manner. 

Some who struggle with this category, might find themselves performing rituals in order to avoid failure or to reassure themselves that they didn’t forget xyz, or didn’t make an error. Talk about exhausting. 

Fear of Letting Go

The non OCD brain can more easily recognize the following: when items need to be discarded or given away, when conversations need to be ended, when an issue needs resolution, etc. The OCD brain however, just…can’t..let..go. This is generally that person who hoards to the point that there is zero room to walk in their house. Or the person who just can’t let go of an offense. Or the person who dwells on a subject for weeks without the ability to just drop it. This person clings emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

Often times this form of OCD disrupts health, relationships, ability to communicate healthily, and can lead to stress, guilt, shame, isolation, and embarrassment. 

Fear of Intimacy

A non OCD brain understands that though physical intimacy and sexual encounters might have very minor discomforts, awkwardness, or challenges, the process is normal, safe, created by God, and pleasurable. The OCD brain, however, will string together irrational expectations, fears, insecurities, or past experiences to create a horror film of images and thoughts in the mind regarding physical intimacy. 

For example, the OCD brain may hear a story about rape, or sexual abuse, or minor (normal) pain/discomfort during a sexual encounter, and for months if not years, imagine these scenarios happening around them as if they were taking place in real life. Talk about disturbing and traumatic. What should be pleasant, desired, normal, and safe, becomes a “realistic” horror film in their mind. 

As expected, this can lead to anxiety, isolation, depression, loneliness, and even the inability to be intimate or around others who do participate in intimacy as that at times can be a trigger.

The non OCD brain can’t comprehend the depth and level of panic, fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, or loneliness that grows from these irrational fears, images, and compulsions brought on by the OCD brain. I hope you’ll stay tuned for my next post, which addresses coping mechanisms for these irrational fears/thoughts/images. 

There is always hope, even with mental disorders. We should never walk through our inner struggles alone. This blog is one small step toward creating a supportive, open environment that fosters safe conversations, imparts knowledge/understanding, and provides encouragement! If you or someone you know relates to any of these blog posts, I encourage you to subscribe and share. Together, we can walk through struggle!

COVID-19.

professional sports canceling, movie premieres postponing, schools prepping to potentially be out for weeks, places of worship telling the church to stay home and stream online… I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced a global response quite like the one we are experiencing, with attempts to contain this rapidly spreading and deadly virus.

The whole concept of containing has been heavy on my mind. The literal definition of the word containing, according to the Oxford definition, is “ The action of keeping something harmful under control or within limits.”

Taking control of what could potentially be harmful, and keeping it within boundaries is our nation’s response to this pandemic viral spread. It also happens to be one of my coping mechanisms when responding to OCD.

But first, you should know what non-contained OCD looks like.

For me personally, OCD without containment looks like obsessive thoughts, that produce irrational fears, that surface uncontrollable anxiety, that leads to hard to manage depression. Compulsions may or may not occur externally. The result? Harmful destruction to all areas of life including financial, relational and social, mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional. Quite simply, I lose control of myself and the environment around me.

It reminds me of Proverbs 25:28, which reads, “ A person without self-control is like a city with broken down walls.” In other words, when I lose control of my OCD, I allow harmful destruction into my mind and heart that wreaks havoc in all areas of life. A pandemic outbreak happens internally.

The opposite of this proverb is true as well, which would read, “ A person with self-control is like a city that secures itself by building sturdy walls around it.” Containing my OCD requires a three-step process, much like the one revealed in the oxford definition: I must take control, by taking actions that put a limit on the potentially harmful situation occurring in my mind.

Let’s break this process down.

Taking control is of course the result I aim for, and work towards. With OCD, I don’t necessarily have the ability to flip on a switch and instantly take control of my miss firing/over firing brain. Sometimes, initially, I cave in to self defeat knowing that my brain does not function quite like it should. But the key is to tell myself immediately, that I can have some control over OCD and the effect it has on my life. Once I fully believe this truth, I can move forward in the process that will ultimately lead me to taking that control.

Taking action is the first step toward taking control. When an intrusive, repetitive, or disturbing thought or image enters my mind without invite, I am faced with one of two decisions. I can either isolate myself from the things that will help me move forward, leading me to freeze up inside of my mind and self destruct, OR, I can choose to take the steps I have mentioned in previous blog posts that help me re-direct and refocus those misfiring or trapped thoughts/fears/obsessions in my brain. This Step in the process is so crucial because it literally determines whether I can move out of the state of internal destruction or not.

The final step of this process is setting limits, or putting up boundaries around my OCD. For me this looks like setting a timer when I am in the midst of a triggered response mentally, and giving myself a set time to obsess over xyz. Once that timer goes off I must move into taking action through redirection, distraction, and refocusing. Per my therapists recommendation, I give myself less and less time each response. What this does, is retrain my brain to redirect all of that obsessive energy into productive coping mechanisms that eventually help me release things much faster. Medication has also been a important tool in this training for me personally.

Just as I believe our amazing scientists and medical professionals will discover a way to take control of COVID-19 for good, I am equally as confident of the ability to contain the effects and impact that OCD can have on one’s life. Both are possible though they take tremendous focus, practice, trial and error, and determination.

This process is not only helpful in response to OCD, but also to any area of our lives that we tend to obsess over, dwell upon, or worry about to an unhealthy level.

If you find this post at all helpful, I encourage you to subscribe for more content and also to share this blog site with others who might find it helpful as well.

With Spring break just around the corner, I know there is one word we are all hoping to avoid as we enter vacation mode..

And that word is, “Delayed”.

There are few things more frustrating than trying to get to your vacation destination, only to have the airline announce a delay of your flight, or your GPS to notify you of a delay up ahead. We’ve all been there before.

Possibly the worst “Delayed” experience of my life, was when my dad and I were taking a trip to the Caribbean Islands together (picture from the trip above!). Not only did we experience multiple delays at the airport, arriving to our destination half a day later than expected at midnight, but the airline ran out of food on our flight, leaving us starving and without food for the night. Ugh, the worst!

I would imagine you have a few “delayed” stories yourself. And though we may all be able to laugh at them now, I bet not much laughing occurred at the time of the delays. When I think about travel delays, I think about having no control over a situation that leaves you somewhat stranded.

But when learning to live with O.C.D. , or any obsessive thoughts/actions for that matter, the process of delaying is actually one that puts us in a position of control. The delay is in our hands, and the obsession is the one inconvenienced.

I want to share with you two delaying methods I learned through O.C.D. cognitive therapy, that help me take control of my mind instead of the other way around.

The ABCs
Like most of our inner struggles that we face, night time is typically the most challenging time for many of us. Falling asleep peacefully can feel impossible when you’re tossing and turning, replaying struggles, heart aches, fears, or insecurities over and over in your mind. This is particularly true for those of us with O.C.D., who especially struggle with turning off repetitious, obsessive thoughts or routines. So, this exercise can actually benefit anyone who struggles with falling asleep at night, not just those of us with O.C.D.

I’ve named it The ABC delaying method. I learned it during my therapy and it has been a life saver for so many nights. Here is how it works.

I choose to delay those disturbing, obsessive thoughts and images, by refocusing that brain energy into a distraction that will produce positive and peaceful thoughts and images. I start with the letter A, moving through to letter Z, and for each letter of the alphabet I choose an adjective about God. I then pray a prayer of praise or gratitude over that descriptive word.

For example, I would say or think, “A is for aware. God is aware of my struggles.”, followed by a prayer thanking God for his awareness. Then I would move to the letter B, “B is for brave. God makes me brave enough to face these struggles.”, followed by a prayer thanking God for making me brave. You get the point.

If you aren’t a believer in God, and not into prayer, I would suggest choosing a dear friend or family member and instead of saying or thinking a prayer, substitute that step with verbalizing a time when that person has demonstrated that characteristic. For example, “C is for compassionate. Last night when I was really struggling, and I reached out to _, they showed me such compassion when they listened to me”.

This delaying method works so well for me that I am usually asleep by the time I get to the letter G.

The Triggered List
The ABCs works great for falling asleep at night, but I use a different delaying method when my O.C.D. strikes during the daytime. I call it my “Triggered List”. Let me explain.

When my O.C.D. therapist was explaining the importance of training my brain to delay O.C.D. , she had me make a list of things that I enjoy and that distract me even for a moment. She told me that the next time those obsessive, disturbing, and at times debilitating images, thoughts, compulsions, or fears began to intrude my mind and body, to start from the top of my triggered list, and work my way down.

Here is an example of my triggered list:
-Watching a disney movie: Frozen, Tangled, Moana, Toy Story, Beauty and the Beast.
-Listening to music: Audrey Assad, Rend Collective, The Beach Boys, Hillsong, Indie Folk Playlist
-Working Out
-Cooking: Meal prep, make a meal for someone and deliver it to them, try a new recipe.
-Writing: Write a blog, write a card for someone, write in my journal, make a list, write a poem.
-Praying: Pray for specific topics in my life, ask a friend how I can pray for them and send them the prayer.
-Reading: Read my bible, read material for my weekly bible studies, read my O.C.D. book, read blog posts.
-Podcasts: Listen to a sermon.

You get the idea.

One of two things usually happens during this delaying method: I either become so distracted and focused on these steps that i forget what I was obsessing over, or, whatever I was obsessing over slowly begins to fade until it is no longer so scary or debilitating, and much easier to cope with.

If you are reading this blog, and have made it this far, please hear me out when I say these two delaying methods have literally helped me get through nights and triggered moments that I didn’t think I had the ability to get through. It takes emense courage, self control, determination, and strength to apply delaying methods in the middle of enduring debilitating, irrational, or overwhelming obsessions, fears, insecurities, temptations, compulsions, or disturbing/unwanted images and thoughts. But when we train our brain to immediately go into delay mode, we begin to take control over our brain and rewire it to rechannel that energy into what is constructive instead of destructive.

I hope you’ll stay tuned for Part 2 of this month’s helpful method tipsjs, “Containing O.C.D.”. Even if you don’t have O.C.D., I hope you find this information helpful in trying to deal with every day consuming thoughts and struggles. If you do find it helpful, please subscribe for more monthly posts, and share this blog with someone else you think might benefit.

The sooner we bring our struggles, fears, and insecurities into the light, learning how to productively communicate about them, we will begin to heal from the inside out as a community. Let’s make this world a safer, healthier, more compassionate place to be, starting with being that for eachother.

People often ask me when I first knew that I would become a nurse one day. 

Maybe it was in Kindergarten on career day, when I drew a picture of me holding a baby while wearing a nursing outfit (side note: I was a post partum nurse for years!). Maybe it was when I would tirelessly watch ER shows and love every fascinating minute despite my dad getting queasy and begging to change the channel? Or maybe…just maybe…it was the time when I tried to give CPR to a dead bird. Wait..what? 

Here’s how it went down: My brother and I were playing at the end of our driveway in a little creek bed, and we came across a very, very, dead bird. I was so heart broken that the bird was dead. I wanted so badly to bring him back to life like the doctors and nurses in the ER shows I had watched. So, I did what any future nurse would do, and began pumping the birds chest with my fingers like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t know where a birds heart was. I didn’t know if I should do mouth to mouth. I didn’t really know much of anything. But I wanted so badly to bring the bird back to life. 

Now I know this may come as a surprise and a let down, but, unfortunately, I did not bring the bird back to life. In fact, I probably cracked all its bones. I’m shocked I didn’t contract a disease from handling that very dead bird. Don’t try it at homes, kids!

I could have avoided this heart breaking ending, had I just accepted that the bird was dead. 

Trying to “overcome” or “fix” O.C.D. , sadly, often looks very similar to this hopeless situation I found myself in with the dead bird. We so badly want our minds to be healed, and to function properly. But instead of accepting some hard truths, we work so tirelessly in all the wrong ways, until we finally reach a point of self defeat, pure exhaustion, hopelessness, and surrender. 

Let me be clear, O.C.D. is not something that is simply “cured” (necessarily). Strong science based evidence proves this to be true the majority of the time, if not always. However, and this is key, O.C.D. can be controlled, managed, and properly treated in a way that shifts a person from living a self destructive and disabled life, to a person who thrives and goes through life successfully. 

But how? 

One of the most powerful tools I’ve come across in my journey through coping with O.C.D. , is found in the book “Brain Lock” written by Doctor Jeffrey Schwartz. In this book, Dr. Schwartz discusses a four step process that he uses in O.C.D. therapy at U.C.L.A. This four step process, at times in combination with medication therapy (but not always), has proven over and over again to drastically reduce the grip that O.C.D. can have on the brain and quality of life. The four steps are: 

1-Relabeling- During this step, we call our O.C.D. out for what it is, a glitched misfiring/over firing in your brain that is not entirely based upon reality or truth. This is such a crucial piece controlling O.C.D. in that it re-defines what is happening in the brain during the obsessive thoughts or obsessive compulsions. This is the moment when a person is able to stop and say, “This isn’t truly me or my beliefs, it’s my O.C.D. This isn’t the truth, it’s the lie and irrational thinking brought on by my O.C.D.” I can hardly find the words to adequately express the freedom that comes from this first step. I have found so much reassurance in the relabeling strategy as it helps me cling to what is true, and what is just O.C.D. trying to trick me or distract me from my true character or beliefs. 

2-Reatributing- The next step in the process of treating O.C.D. , called reattribution, is so closely linked with relabeling O.C.D.. The difference is, with relabeling, we call O.C.D. out as it creeps into our mind and behaviors initially. A mental alarm goes off and says, “ALERT! This is not you, it is your O.C.D.!” With reattribution, however, we learn to attribute , or correlate, the lingering, unending thoughts and behaviors to our mental disorder. This is a very pivotal moment in the process of coping with O.C.D., because without this step, we become completely frozen in our brain lock of misfiring and over firing chemicals in the brain. It is in this step, where we must ask ourselves, “Ok O.C.D., I know this is you at work, so what am I going to do with you? Will I allow you to disrupt my life and send me into a self destructive mode, or will I take hold of you and channel you into something productive?” It is this questioning that leads to the third step in the process. 

3-Refocusing- Once we relabel O.C.D. for what it is, and reattribute our obsessions to O.C.D., we then must choose to refocus our obsessive attention onto something productive, life giving, and wholesome. This is where real change begins to happen, because it teaches us that we do in fact have a say over how O.C.D. affects our lives. The exciting part of this step, is that we can be as creative as we like in what we choose to channel this obsessive energy towards. For me personally, I take those unstoppable repetitive, obsessive thoughts and channel them into physical activities, writing, creating, etc. O.C.D. may not allow my mind to “shut off” or to “just stop”, but with refocusing, I can learn to re-channel my disordered brain activity, into something beneficial. In return, the mind becomes distracted, pulling itself away from the harmful, morbid, scary, irrational, destructive, or unrealistic obsessions that before threatened us. I’ll talk more about this in a later post, as it has been a game changer for me!

4-Revaluing- The last step, and one of the most important, is learning how to revalue O.C.D.. Once we have properly labeled O.C.D. , and made the choice to refocus our attention on productive outlets, we will begin to see O.C.D. for the garbage it is. Our mind will began to rewire and retrain itself in a more functional manner. Calling out O.C.D. and telling ourself, “That’s not real! That’s crazy. That’s not even me , that’s my O.C.D.! I’m smarter than my O.C.D.. I do have a say in how this effects me!”, leads us to a life lived with far more valuable thoughts and behaviors that have truth in them.

Applying these four steps during an O.C.D. experience can be very challenging. But, with practice and consistency, this process is sure to improve the control one has over O.C.D., as well as the quality of life experienced despite living with O.C.D.. Treating O.C.D. requires commitment, discipline, loads of support from a professional therapist/friends/family, and at times, medication therapy. 

I hope you’ll continue on this journey towards awareness with me. My posts will now begin to be less scientific, and more driven by personal experiences, stories, and practical advice. We are one step closer to being better educated, aware, and united in our fight against this mental disorder!