Happy New Year! It has been a minute since I have updated this blog. That is because so much has happened since last year already. Including the fact that I went TINY!
That’s right! I am officially a tiny home owner and enjoying every minute of my Tiny Life. In just a month’s time, I moved out of a 700 square foot luxury apartment into a small 8 foot by 30 foot loft camper that needed a total renovation. The craziest part (because no, that part wasn’t the crazy part!) ?! I had absolutely no idea how to renovate OR live in an RV. Talk about a whirlwind!
I literally self taught on youtube, or reached out to more knowledgeable friends for advice. And, as you can imagine, this leap has come with quite a few OCD challenges to say the least. I want to be open and honest on what this process has done to and for my OCD, in hopes that it will encourage others with OCD to step out in faith despite the challenges that will come with that leap!
Change on Change
It’s no shock that changes, especially major changes like uprooting your whole way of living, can have a direct impact on mental disorders like OCD. Routine is everything for me, as it helps keep my obsessions, compulsions, and disorder under better management. So, what has this major life change done!? Well, quite frankly it ripped out the comfort rug right from under my feet and left me flat on my back! Surprisingly, that hasn’t necessarily been a bad thing! Stressful? Sure. Inconvenient? Sure. Challenging? YES! But it has revealed what truly triggers my OCD, which better helps me understand the root of it all. At one point in life, change was crippling for me. But after proper therapy, medication, and a much deeper understanding of how my disordered mind works, I am facing the changes head on and even finding joy in them.
New Environment > New Irrational Fears
Let me just be super duper clear with you on what it’s like to live with OCD.
During the renovation process in the last month, I was exposed to quite a few of my irrational fears like sharp objects, contamination, and creepy crawly insects. For the non OCD mind, it would be expected and normal to be on the cautious side of all three of these encounters. But for the OCD mind? Well, here’s what it looked like:
I have always had a weird fear of being cut by sharp objects. So much so that when around sharp objects such as power tools, my mind begins to obsessively imagine my limbs being cut off to the point that I can almost tangibly feel the pain as if it were happening in reality. So, while renovated the RV, my dad needed my constant help in holding wood and flooring while he cut the materials with his power tools. At one point I got so close to passing out that I had to completely jump away from the power tool, causing him to mess up on the cut.
This is the exact experience that happens with the idea of contamination and creepy crawling insects as well. So when we found mold growing where previous leaks were located, and then found a large amount of (thankfully dead) ants inside of the wall…my…mind…went..BONKERS! I would stay up all night in my parents guest bedroom envisioning thousands of insects crawling out of the seems in my RV, and the mold growing all around and silently killing me. I could envision it as if it were really happening.
That, my friends, is OCD at its finest. At first, I was slightly compulsive as I would treat the mold multiple times a day (not safe for me to be around but did it anyway!) instead of once or twice over all. I would constantly peel back too much of perfectly fine walls and floors because I was convinced that I would find more insects. You get the point.
THE GOOD NEWS?!
I quickly realized that I was spiraling and losing management of my OCD’s response to irrational fears and vivid images. With a few of my therapy coping strategies, talking out my fears, I reassured myself by reviewing the safety guidelines on the sharp tools, taking pictures each day of the mold to remind myself it was resolving, and having occasional reminders by my dad to “stop cutting the good wall and floor away”.
I recognized my OCD was in charge.
I took action to change from the co-pilot seat to the pilot seat.
I put my irrational fears in check with reality.
The result? Well, I’m still working on it. But I am officially sleeping in my RV comfortably, am so pleased with the progress of renovation, and feel much more safe and comfortable in my surroundings.
2020 for me was a year of self discovery. And though I am definitely still on that journey, 2021 represents exposing myself to more irrational fears, and allowing my mind the chance to fight back!
If anything in this blog or on this site seems helpful to you , or you think it could benefit someone you know, please follow along and share! I believe that together we can foster a much safer, more normalized, and healthier conversation around mental health.
Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered. 