When I was in college I loved to attend the basketball games every week. It was pure entertainment! And I’m not even talking about the game!
Without fail, every home game a group of 3-4 older women (probably in their late 70s), would all sit together at the top of the bleachers. They would be fully decked out in college apparel supporting their home team, sometimes even matching. They would bring pom poms and signs and cheer in unison through out the game.
Those women were besties for the resties. If the story was right, they had been besties since college and tried to never miss a home game. I remember looking at them every time, and thinking, “Man, now THAT is friend goals!” I always wondered what stories they had, what trials their friendships had endured, and what victories they had celebrated for one another.
Life long friendship is one of the most fascinating relationships to me.
In a marriage, two people are bound for life by a spiritual covenant oath before God. Even when the marriage is hanging on by a thread, often one or both partners will return to their vows to renew their promises to each-other. They are sealed as one before God Himself.
In a biological parenting relationship, you are bound by life through DNA, even if physical presence does not exist. Through an adoptive relationship, a parent becomes bound to the child through a legal document.
But an intimate, life long friendship? These relationships are bound by pure choice. No DNA, no legal document, no divine covenant oath. Simply choice.
I believe each type of relationship we experience in this life comes with unique and divine blessings. One is not better than the other, nor is one worse than the other. All of these relationships are gifts.
But when it comes to discussing the challenges of friendship, it feels important to acknowledge that out of all the relationships we encounter here, long-term friendship is just about the only one that is held together purely by a choice.
What If They Don’t Choose Me?
When living with O.C.D., or any personal struggle for that matter, it’s tempting to assume that no one would willingly choose to form intimate community and friendship with someone like us. Right?
We get so in our heads analyzing ourselves through the other person’s eyes, before even given them an opportunity to choose friendship with us. We completely forget about the fact that they will most likely have their own struggles and burdens for us to help carry as well.
Quite frankly, there will be individuals in your life who are not fit to help carry your burdens. Know that as you pursue deep, and life-long friendship. Some individuals might be too toxic, tempting to pull you further away from mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Maybe YOU are too “toxic” for them with your specific set of struggles. Maybe they’ve had traumas or experiences in their life that will be triggered by your specific struggles. Or maybe, they’ll be so self centered that they won’t know how to truly support you through your valleys.
The truth is, we should not isolate ourselves from the beauty and blessing of life-long friendship simply because many will not be the right fit. Intimate community is not meant to be shared with our entire acquaintance/friend circle. We must trust, that the few souls who enter our inner circle of intimate life-long friendship, are the ones that have proven to be a healthy fit for us, and us for them.
What If They Do Choose Me?
It’s only natural to feel anxious about how a friend will respond to our vulnerable confessions, our deepest struggles, and our greatest needs. Sometimes the fear of someone choosing us as a friend can feel greater than the fear of being rejected by a friend.
What’s important to remember with this insecurity, is that no one wants a fake or superficial relationship within their small, intimate community circle. At least not long-term. The key is to find the balance between vulnerability and service. We must avoid being a “consumer” friend through our openness and needs. What I mean is, we can’t just choose one person who is willing to be our bestie for the restie, and dump all of our baggage onto them at once. That’s intense. And kind of unfair to that person. Sure they may stick around for the long haul, but are you being a healthy friend to them?
A true community will stick around. But even more than that, they will help you learn the balance of the sharing of each others burdens in a respectful, healthy, and feasible manner. Open up as you go, while also allowing them the opportunity to open up as well. Don’t make the focal point about you and your struggles during every hang out or every conversation. That’s exhausting.
Find a healthy pace of vulnerability and honesty, couple that with the ability to be there for their burdens as well, and you’ll be so thankful that they did choose you! Your fear of them sticking around will blossom into a thankfulness that you don’t have to live life without them anymore!
“Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy”
Proverbs 27:6
For the next couple of weeks, I want to look more specifically at the challenges that come with being a healthy, balanced friend while living with O.C.D., as well as how to be a healthy, balanced friend for someone who does live with O.C.D.. As the scripture above implies, true sincere friendship, at times, will involve hard conversations that require commitment and adjustment. But that type of long-term community is far sweeter and more beneficial than a hundred superficial, fake friendships that don’t have your overall interest at heart.
Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered. 