When I was in the 8th grade, I had a skating accident that resulted in a broken pelvis, a broken tailbone, and two broken lower vertebrae.
The unfortunate part, besides having 4 broken bones that is, is that only my broken pelvis and tailbone were initially addressed. It wasn’t until much later that I learned I had actually broken my lower back in the fall as well. So, here I am, a couple of decades later, still suffering with back issues because my initial treatment plan was not appropriate for the type of breaks that went undetected in the E.R..
The daunting task of providing healing advice to all those affected by pornography, must first start with a crucial acknowledgement. That is, the exposure to and effects of pornography are different for each of us, as discussed in my previous post here. Some have fresh wounds, some have unhealed older wounds, some have unaddressed scars that have left long-term effects, and some have re-occurring wounds that are deeply infected and need proper attention. Just as my improper initial treatment plan actually caused more damage to me in the long run, we too are at risk of insufficient healing if we don’t first assess the damage done from pornography.
In lieu of my last post, I want to offer a few practical pieces of advice and words of encouragement for each type of “wound”, if you will. I believe the “treatment plan” should look different, based on what type of damage is present.
Those Who Intentionally Seek Out Pornography
Your treatment plan starts by looking beyond the surface. Though it might be tempting to believe you can just quit this habit or addiction cold-turkey, I urge you to reconsider the long-term effects if not properly addressed. As my last post discussed, I believe that there are four main underlying reasons a person seeks out pornography:
1- Loneliness.
2- Lack of self-control, misplaced lustful desire.
3- Feelings of neglect or dissatisfaction from your partner.
4- A desire to learn about other types of experiences.
It is so important that you dig deep in your thought process, your emotions, and your core beliefs about others, yourself, and God (if you’re a believer). You must ask the tough questions like, “Why do I feel alone?”, “Why am I obsessed with this?”, “Is this truly healthy for me?”, “How will this affect my future marriage and relationships?”, “Why am I feeling so insecure or incapable?”. What I’ve learned, is that we often need help, whether professionally or communally, to understand these deeper parts of us mentally and emotionally. So, your treatment plan?
Confession. Seek out a counselor. Open up to someone of the same gender about your concerns and struggles. Bring your darkness to light and watch what happens!
Safe Guards. Chances are, you won’t have the strength initially to stop cold-turkey. There are great tools like Covenant Eyes and VidAngel, that can help keep you accountable.
Renew Your Mind. A wise man once suggested that the best, and possibly the only way, to renew our mind from darkness, is to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. He suggested, or more like guaranteed, if you take your mind captive, and re-direct your thoughts upon these things, you will not fall! (Philippians 4:8-9).
Those Who Are Involved in the Making of Pornography
Your treatment plan starts with re-valuing yourself. I have talked to several women who were intentionally, or unintentionally, a part of pornographic video/image making. Their reasons varied. I would imagine your reasons varies as well. Maybe you desperately need(ed) the income and don’t (didn’t) believe there’s any other way. Maybe you have (had) been misused by men/women your whole life, and this truly is (was) all you know. Maybe you have been (were) forced into this life by manipulation, abuse, or fear. Maybe you started out in the industry oblivious to the affects it would have on you emotionally, mentally, physically, socially, and spiritually. So, your treatment plan?
Consider the Impact. Our natural human tendency is to focus on the right here, right now. We make decisions based off of the immediate results. But in this case, I encourage you to consider what this life style will do to your overall health long-term. Not to mention the impact of future relationships, marriage, raising children with a healthy self-image and healthy image of intimacy/relationships. Have you stopped to truly consider how your conduct could be aiding in so much darkness like child sex trafficking, infidelity, STDs, AIDs, and so much more?
Consider Your Worth. My friend, has anyone told you that you were created on purpose, and for a purpose? The God I serve can use you in powerful ways to reach the hurting, and comfort the confused. Invite Him in. He won’t misuse you, abuse you, or devalue you. Surround yourself with people who love you for you, not your body or what you have to offer sexually. You…deserve…authentic love and relationship!
Consider Your Dreams. I would be surprised if your long-term dream is to retire in the porn industry, serving this darkness your whole life. What are your dreams? What imprint do you hope to leave on the world? Messages like, “Your worth depends on your sexual talent and ability”, or “You’re only enough if you can provide these things in bed”, etc? Tell me you believe in yourself and your ability more than to leave these messages imprinted on the generations after you? Consider another way! Consider another job, another relationship, another community, another perspective. Consider that your dreams are actually possible without this path.
Those Who Did Not Invite Pornography In
Your treatment plan starts by rebuilding trust. As I mentioned previously in my last post, I was exposed to pornography by accident, due to the cultural shift we experienced in my middle school years. Images and videos would take over our screens without warning, spam email would come to our inbox with misleading titles, etc. And because of my O.C.D., the images and videos wreaked havoc in my ability to process relationships, intimacy, and especially thoughts about men. For the majority of my life, I have been driven by irrational and overwhelming fear, crippled with insecurity, distrust, and even disgust. All related to what I witnessed as a child. So, our treatment plan?
Get Help. Of course I encourage confiding in a trusted, healthy friend or family member about these lasting effects, but I can’t recommend a trusted professional counselor enough. In fact, I used my Employee Assistance Program through work, to locate a faith based counselor that specializes in this very thing!
Seek Healthy Environments. How do your friends view sex, intimacy, and marriage? Chances are, if you’re surrounded by other unhealthy relationships and viewpoints, your thought process will continue to leak toxic patterns. Seek out a healthy marriage, and ask for a mentorship or counsel. Pursue platonic friendships with whatever gender you are uncomfortable with and distrusting of. This will help you regain trust where trust has been shattered.
Stop Being the Victim. Are you in immediate danger? If so, then please get professional help! If not, then how long are you going to allow those images from the past to control, dictate, and abuse your thought process and relationships? Aren’t you exhausted from the daily battle, the daily fear, and the daily distrust? I know I am.
Find Peace. Ok, this is hard. REALLY HARD. But maybe, just maybe, you need to come to terms with being at peace as a celibate, single individual. Or maybe you need to face the fact that healthy intimacy, God approved intimacy, does in fact exist, and you need help to reach the point of accepting that type of relationship in your life. Whatever path you choose, you were designed to live in internal peace, despite external chaos.
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I want to link multiple resources for you all, that have tremendously helped me. I can only hope and pray that these resources will bring healing, awareness, clarity, and peace to your hurting heart and warped thought processes. You are not alone. You are capable of rewiring your thoughts, and transforming your behaviors.
RESOURCES
Get Out of Your Head
Covenant Eyes
VidAngel
Kevin Carson blog on intimacy, sexual desire, and marriage
Incredible series on unhealthy/healthy romance
Romans 12:2
Colossians 3:2
2 Corinthians 10:4
Galatians 5:13-18
Ephesians 1: 1-13
Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered. 