Naturally I have inherited quite a few traits from my mother.
We both love crafting. We both are perfectionists who love to clean. We both explosively sneeze. We both have tiny noses that barely keep our sunglasses on our faces. And we both have a gap in our top front teeth. But there is one trait of my mother’s that I most definitely did NOT inherit—the fearless love of riding huge roller coasters.
I’ll never forget when the Titan opened at Six Flags over Texas in 2001 while I was in middle school. There was so much hype and publicity about this roller coaster, with its 255 foot drop that would send you plummeting down at 85 miles per hour.
I decided to take one of my best friends with our family to check out this beast. Up to that point, I had only heard stories and facts about this new coaster. And I was so ready for it! The whole ride to the amusement park I spoke boldness and excitement about conquering this feat! Of course I felt a few nerves, but mostly just excitement.
Until we pulled in the parking lot next to the new ride, that is. As we stepped out of the car and looked up at the towering hill, and the steep plummeting drop, I begin trembling in fear. All of a sudden, every ounce of excitement and confidence in me was replaced with terror and a desire to run away. As we got closer and closer to the front of the line, the “clink, clink, clink” sound of the roller coaster climbing the massive and steep hill, followed by screaming victims, became too much for me! It felt like a horror movie! And I just couldn’t take the overwhelming fear.
So what did I do? I chickened out and peaced out, leaving my friend solo! And guess who stepped in to save the day? My mom! Not only did she get on that ride with my friend, but also road first cart, hands in the air, and conquered that beast like it was nothing! Hearing their excitement as they returned from the ride did not seem fair! How were they not paralyzed in fear like I was? I mean they saw the same site, they heard the same sounds, yet they went for it! It just did not seem fair.
Oh how this experience perfectly relates to approaching the topic of sex while living with O.C.D.. As mentioned in my two previous posts, the effects of accessible porn that were blasted at my generation as children have had major negative impacts on us in different ways. But for someone like me, who lives with a mental disorder that traps images on repeat in the mind, creates irrational and obsessive fears/thoughts? Well, it’s much like the experience of the roller coaster. Let me break down the process to help those who do not have O.C.D. understand the impact this has had.
Phase 1: The Blissful Excitement of the Unknown
Remember how excited, courageous, and confident I was to ride the new roller coaster, after hearing about how adventurous and fun it was? Well, when I first heard about dating, kissing, marriage, and intimacy, I was pretty excited and curious. In my innocence of the unknown, I was blissfully willing to approach this area of life. And I was boy, CRAZY! I loved having “boyfriends”. I loved kissing those cute faces (sorry mom!). And I loved holding hands during the couples skating songs at the skating rink.
Phase 2: The Shock Factor
The moment I stood at the bottom of the Titan in person, seeing it’s intimidating appearance towering over me, was equivalent to the moment that intense pornographic videos popped up on my screen as a child. All of that excitement, confidence, and adventurous spirit I had towards boys, dating, and one day marriage/intimacy, was replaced and gripped with overwhelming fear and refusal to participate. Images of such corrupt videos (if I knew I didn’t have young readers, I would explain), and disturbing images seared in my mind. I was shocked. I was disgusted. I became so overtaken by fear.
Phase 3: Getting Out of the Line
The older I got, and the closer I became to the age of marriage and idea of intimacy, the more overwhelmed I became. Further destructive experiences entered my life: Boys trying to take advantage of me, or flat out dumping me harshly when I would strive to remain pure, seeing men of faith get sucked into the trap and ruin their marriages with porn addictions and affairs, hearing stories of my friends being raped or mishandled, hearing Godly married friends discuss their struggling sex life and frustrations with their husbands/wives, etc. All of it was like the horrific sound of the “clink, clink, clink” of the roller coaster climbing the hill. So what did I do? I bailed. I got out of line. I decided in my heart that marriage and intimacy just weren’t for me.
Phase 4: Stuck in Isolation
despite the fact that so many in my generation were also impacted by pornography and negative sexual experiences, they continued in the line towards marriage and intimacy. There I was, left behind, unwilling to participate in it all, watching them conquer the challenges while running to me after in pure excitement and joy. How? They saw the same disturbing images and videos as me! They went through far more negative experiences personally, than I’d ever been through. Yet they were able to move forward and find the enjoyment in the intended experience of dating, marriage, and intimacy despite the challenges.
But not me. I remained stuck out of the line, looking on from a distance in loneliness, confusion, fear, and frustration. Were they not nervous? Were they not scarred? Were they not afraid? Were they not fed up and overwhelmed? And if so, how could they possibly move forward? So I just kept quiet, alone, and afraid. With so many images trapped on repeat, stories replaying in my head, and obsessive, irrational fear controlling all parts of me.
I don’t know about you, but I do not want the journey to end with any of us stuck in Phase 4. No one deserves to be trapped in misery, loneliness, or a mind overtaken by fear and irrational/toxic thinking. I hope you’ll join me next week as I discuss what healing looks like for those of us who have found ourselves deeply affected by the shift we have experienced in our culture.
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“Do not be conformed to this world, but be
transformed by the renewal of your mind.”
Romans 12:2
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Obsessive. Compulsive. Disordered. 